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12 year old daughter not interested in her appearance

(102 Posts)
Sleeplessworry Fri 30-Oct-15 07:53:47

Hi I know this is a miner issue but worried about my 12 nearly 13 year old daughters attitude to her appearance she is not interested in makeup like a lot of her friends and is only happy if in jeans and a hoody which is fine by me but the thing is if we go out for parties, special occasion or family meals she is not interested in getting dressed up for them either I have to fight her to just put on a nice top and jeans and a little bit of makeup she hasn't always been like this just the last year she used to like to dress up when we went out and paint her nails and thing like that but now all she's interested in is utube and her iPad when I ask her why, she says I'm just not girly she also admits that she doesn't wear dresses as she is too lazy to shave her legs but I have said a nice top and trousers is fine but it is hard work to get her to choose anything she's not very confident but we tell all the time how pretty and how proud we are of her I just worry that she is going to get left behind as the girls her age seem to be more into their fashion and appearance although I am pleased she isn't into posing and taking selfies of her self like a lot of them (she also goes to an all girls school) even her cousin who was a real Tom boy and would only wear boys cloths seems to embrace her girly side these days does anyone else have this issue with there 12 13 year old

OneHandFlapping Fri 30-Oct-15 07:59:47

Leave her alone. As long as she is clean that's enough. If you continue to pressurise her she will rebel even harder.

Who said girls have to shave their legs and wear makeup anyway? Tbh its refreshing to hear of a girl who is not conforming.

Most of us (including me) waste most of our teenage years obsessing over our appearance, while boys teach themselves bass guitar, or computer programming.

Just let her be.

ShammyDavis Fri 30-Oct-15 08:03:14

At the risk of sounding harsh, stop wanting her to be what you want her to be, - let her find her own way and style. Presumably she's clean and she wears clean clothes? - that's all that matters. Seriously.

IrenetheQuaint Fri 30-Oct-15 08:03:32

Good for her. She is absolutely entitled to her own preferences on this. I couldn't care less about my appearance at 12 (or really at any points since, though I did make a bit more effort at university) and in retrospect I think it saved me a lot of misery and self-consciousness.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Fri 30-Oct-15 08:03:36

Why does she need to wear make up at 12? Why is it a worry if she doesn't?? Do you realise a lot of adults don't wear make up?
Is she clean? Dressed? If so, leave her be.

Screaminlikeabanshee2 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:04:42

If you don't leave her alone you will put her doing all those things you desperately want her to do for life. Just as yourself Why on earth is it important for a 12/13 yr old to wear makeup, hmm? What for? I'm assuming she's a fresh faced young girl that doesn't need to cover up or enhance anything especially if she doesn't want to.

Your DD sounds like a breath of fresh air n a generation that's intent on the early sexualisation of children, young girls worried about their appearance to the point of having eating disorders, teenagers having all manner 'jobs' done, bullying over appearance. Your DD will naturally progress into the more mature things (if left alone).

Do you compliment on her anything else apart from prettiness? And what is the worry with being 'left behind' left behind what? All the stress and anxiety about looks? I salute her.

ginmakesitallok Fri 30-Oct-15 08:05:05

My daughter is 12 next week, I can't imagine her or her friends in make up, leave her alone!

Happypiglet Fri 30-Oct-15 08:05:11

I don't have this with my DD but your daughter sounds like me as a teenager!!!
Leave her be. There is no need for a 12 year old to wear make up or shave her legs. Or wear a dress or even smart clothes if she doesn't want to.
Unless she is not washing etc ( which might be a sign of something more serious) then I really can't see what the fuss is about.
My DM and I laugh now over the raft of photos of the family when I was this age in which I sort of hang around as a grungy presence near the back....
I turned out fine. Although I still don't bother with make up...
Please stop stressing.

mudandmayhem01 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:05:28

So many things going on here, none of them to do with your daughter's appearance. If her clothes are clean, her personal hygiene is up to scratch etc back off. My daughter is a similar age, very into clothes make up, I'm not that bothered about my outward appearance most of the time but I respect her right to make decisions about how she looks and understand her view on this is different to mine.

PotteringAlong Fri 30-Oct-15 08:05:32

You sound a complete nightmare. I'm 35. I own no make up at all, I don't paint my nails, I don't straighten or style my hair. It doesn't make me a messy unkempt blob.

claraschu Fri 30-Oct-15 08:05:34

Girls don't have to wear makeup or shave their legs! That is a personal choice. Some of the most beautiful women I know don't wear makeup.

I think you should stop talking about how pretty your daughter is, and encourage whatever hobbies or interests she has: praise her for her brains, kindness, funniness, originality, (or any other good quality) 10 times as much as you praise her for her appearance. If she feels confident about herself, she will feel more confident about her appearance.

I don't think you should even mention makeup for parties or special occasions, but should just try to get her to wear something clean and not too inappropriate.

Screaminlikeabanshee2 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:06:00

'Just 'ask' yourself

PotteringAlong Fri 30-Oct-15 08:06:43

And she's 12 and you think she should be self conscious enough to shave her legs?! Really?

futureme Fri 30-Oct-15 08:07:34

Gosh this Reads so strange to me. I'd feel I'd succeeded if my 12 year old wasn't image obsessed, wanting make up etc. U certainly wouldn't be encouraging it!!!

Bloomsberry Fri 30-Oct-15 08:07:39

I thought this was going to be about a child who self-neglected and was dirty! Why on earth do you think she should be wearing makeup and shaving her legs at twelve???? What a depressing post. Think very hard about the messages about appropriate femininity that you are sending your daughter.

SevenSeconds Fri 30-Oct-15 08:07:40

My DD is only 8, but I'll be delighted if she's not interested in make up and doesn't shave her legs when she's 12!

Kevinthefruitbat Fri 30-Oct-15 08:10:15

Think yourself lucky. I have a make up/hair obsessed 12 year old and it drives me bonkers. Takes her so long to get ready and I'm constantly telling her to tone it down. Hoping it's a phase that will pass and that by the time she's 14 she'll be over it.

Screaminlikeabanshee2 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:11:00

Another worry is with all the pressure you're piling on her to be more 'girly' comparing her to other girls she might start to wonder whether she's in the right gender? As dungarees etc don't seem 'normal' or right. You could be opening a whole can of worms there. Please leave her alone.

Wolpertinger Fri 30-Oct-15 08:11:08

Why does she need to wear makeup ever?

I'm 40 years old and prior to last year had only worn makeup at job interviews and my wedding. I now wear it v occasionally for fun.

It's not a mandatory part of womanhood.

Pixi2 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:13:01

Ffs-she's 12! A lot of girls that age are struggling with the concept of not being classed as a child anymore, not yet emotionally ready to have interest from boys (it can be scary if you're not ready for it) and to top it off, you're trying to tell her it's normal to make herself more attractive to get interest from boys.
I remember walking through town as a quite well developed 13yr old and having men interested in me thinking I was older because of my body shape, I was half amused, half scared, and definitely very uncomfortable. I learnt to cope.

Plus, she's 12, she's probably rebelling against what you want her to do!

bearleftmonkeyright Fri 30-Oct-15 08:14:59

I'm on the fence about this because you say she wasn't always like this. Has she just started secondary school? Does she have friends, and is she enjoying school? The make up, nice top thing leave well alone. It is not up to you and she will find her own way with this. But keep an eye on her,especially the amount of screen time she has. But don't force her into doing things she doesn't want to do.

Micah Fri 30-Oct-15 08:23:00

You sound like my mum.

The pressure to wear make up, "make the most of myself", dress nicely etc basically just says "you're not good enough/pretty enough/ no one will like you unless you do these things.

Compliment her, and don't dare tell her she'll look better with a bit of lipstick. Praise her for her confidence and her looks without make up.

Fwiw I still don't wear make up, and hate dressing up. I still managed to find someone to marry me, I'm not a lesbian, and not ostracised by the community. My mum still thinks I'd be "better" in nice clothes and make up.

Bearleft, the change could simply be she has realised she doesn't have do do things she doesn't want to, because people think she should. Good for her for realising so young.

Florriesma Fri 30-Oct-15 08:23:44

Please stop telling her to put make up on. You will destroy her confidence in one stroke doing that. I spent teenage years being told I needed blusher and look how Susan had her hair wasn't she pretty.I should have my hair like that. Its effectively telling dd she us ugly.
Leave her be and support her. She will find her confidence. Do you let her choose her own clothes?

thunderbird69 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:28:03

She sounds fantastic to me! Let her have her own style

Heathcliff27 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:33:06

As all above have said before me. Let her be, my 11 year old isn't a girly girl either. Happiest in skinny jeans and a football shirt. Why on earth would I try and change her. I'm delighted she doesn't feel the need to change how she is to fit in with some of the other girls we know, orange faced and clarted in make up hmm

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