Difficult teen threatening suicide

[Juliehermann]

My ds (just turned 17) is getting more and more difficult. I will try to describe the situation in pictures - I see my children as ships leaving the harbour which they can always return to. It is good to see my ds heading out on his own but the problem is, he seems determined to completely destroy the harbour as he leaves, hurling insults as he leaves, lying to us, friends and other adults, letting me know he hates me on a regular basis and that there is nothing he wants at home.
I tell him I am fine with letting go , the door is always open, i love him but do not always like his behaviour but do expect certain niceties from him, or anyone, living with me.
Before going out on Sunday he told me I would be sorry when he doesn't come home because he has jumped in front of a train. I told him straightaway that if he really feels suicidal, we will get him professional help and if not, it is not something to joke about or to use to manipulate others. He left without comment.
Whenever I ask him what is behind his behaviour, he says he doesn't want to talk to me about it. He has always blown hot and cold but since the end of August, his attitude has been consistently destructive.
He is staying at his girlfriend's house until tomorrow. I know being a teenager can be a confusing time but I am just as confused right now and not sure how to deal with the situation when he gets home tomorrow.
Any ideas or lessons learned from your own experience?

[Alvah]

I just want to say that my DS 14 (soon 15) can say a lot of hurtful things to me too when he is upset. Lots of swearing, insults, punching walls... He repeatedly says that me and his dad have ruined him and ruined his life by arguing when he was little. We split when he was 5. He also says he'd rather be dead than live with me (or his dad) and that he'd rather be taken into care than live here (this happens when I restrict his freedom such as ground him/curfews). Worst of all he says I make him want to kill himself!

I like you see myself as a 'safe haven/harbour' for him to return to. He will always be loved. My DS started his move towards independence very early, and is very conscious of gaining room and space to look after himself. However I do not consider it safe for him to have as much freedom as he wants...i believe that's where our conflict arises from. And also that he feels conflicted between the need for freedom and the need to be nurtured by mum...

Just one thought that someone pointed out to me. Because I don't really get angry (don't yell profanities back or react in anger) but am pretty patient and empathic (even with out of order behaviours), I wonder if it infuriates him that I don't fight back?!?

Maybe they want that 'fight' from us, I don't know?

Best of luck with your son. Hopefully just a phase he is going through on his journey to become independent

[Juliehermann]

Time to get counselling for him - and probably the whole family. His girlfriend has confirmed that he feels suicidal.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Good luck Julie. Depression in teens often manifests as anger. And it can be difficult to separate the normal teen hormonal pulling away from depression and anxiety and other MH issues.

[Juliehermann]

Thanks for the words of support. It helps to talk! I feel a bit guilty for not recognising signs of depression in him and just assuming he is a stroppy teenager but now need to find a way forward and the strength necessary.

[SeekretSquirrels]

Please look at this charity who specialise in prevention of young suicide.