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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

16yo being treated for primary amenorrhea

78 replies

JoelyB · 19/10/2015 20:28

My 16yo daughter is undergoing investigations, has had ultrasound, swears blind she has never had a period.
She's gone away and I decided to risk her wrath by clearing out her bedroom. Wherein I found several bags of used sanitary towels?! (three bags, maybe half a dozen in each, and bits of tissue with blood on) Hidden on top shelf of wardrobe.
What is going on? I know some girls just don't like to discuss, but she's looked the doctor in the eye and told her nothing ever happened?!
She's been for a flipping ultrasound. If nothing else, wouldn't you be scared the ultrasound will show that you are lying?! We await results, perhaps it does!
I am baffled. Any bright ideas?

OP posts:

Report

quicklydecides · 19/10/2015 20:34

I would put them back and say nothing. It's hard to find privacy when you are a weird teenager.
Go back for the results and whatever they say tell them "great well look I think they will just probably stay themselves soon thank you buy we don't want any more investigations.
Then go home, put a bag of towels and tampons in her room,
Assure her that they will start soon,
Put a bin with an easily replaceable bag into the bathroom, then forget about it.
It sounds like she got stuck on a path and couldn't back out. Is she generally stubborn but socially awkward.
Anyway, allow her to save face.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 19/10/2015 20:36

That is strange. Is she usually shy/nervous?

Scarydinosaurs · 19/10/2015 20:37

Excellent advice from quickly

It sounds like it is possible she has enjoyed the attention (only concluding this from the fact she has lied to the doctor and gone on to have medical tests) and perhaps she feels like she's being overlooked in the family? Could you give her attention in a more positive way? Sorry if that's a leap, just wanted to try and explain to you why she might be behaving in this way:

NerrSnerr · 19/10/2015 20:40

How were the investigations instigated? Did she come to you and tell you she'd never had a period or did you ask her if she's started and she said no? I'm just wondering if she denied it to you because she didn't want to talk about it and then felt she had to keep up the lie?

I was so embarrassed about periods I never said anything to my mum, ever. She once found my knickers and bought me pads and told me to tell her when I came on again. I never did and we never discussed it again (and she never bought pads again). I just bought them out of my pocket money in the end. I could see myself getting into this mess myself by refusing to talk about it.

JoelyB · 19/10/2015 20:43

She is a stubborn one, but socially awkward NO! She's a very social young lady with good friends, works as a waitress while studying A levels.
I wondered about giving her the chance to call off the next round of appointments simply by saying - anything happen yet?
And clearing out the gross bags and throwing them away, but not saying anything specifically about them, she is going to be absolutely incandescent at me for cleaning her room anyway - but to be honest there were issues. Some of the stuff I found in there should never have been lying around in a black bag!!!
I'm just mystified, it seems so out of character.
I guess she could be attention seeking but if anything she gets more than her share, as her older sister is a keeper of the peace and general stoic!
Thanks for all advice btw.

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AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 20:44

Gosh. My knee jerk response would be to ask her why she lied and put herself, the NHS (and you) through the time and expense of investigations for nothing

Then I read qd 's response and thought again

JoelyB · 19/10/2015 20:47

NerrSerr I believe I asked her, as I'd done every now and then, and kind of wanted to get any investigating done between GCSE and A Level years as she's so full on when it comes to studying, and is very ambitious academically.
We have a lot of livestock and are a very 'earthy' family I cannot imagine how she could have become so sensitive about this!

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JoelyB · 19/10/2015 20:47

AF that was my knee jerk response to the letter!

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quicklydecides · 19/10/2015 20:55

But a teenager room is an extension of their mind, best not to probe the dark corners, leave them have their dignity and privacy, if you feel you must take it, please think of a vague " it sort if smells like there's something gone off in your room. Could you take these bin bags and fill them with anything you want to get rid off and I'll pop them on the bonfire/ in the rubbish tip this evening "
Please give her a graceful exit from this situation.
It's weird yes, but not deeply troubling.

JoelyB · 19/10/2015 21:01

I see what you're saying, but we have had battles royal over this room for years. It's not just untidy, it is rank. And I can say that, but she won't get rid of it. She has had a hundred opportunities to just bin this stuff.
I am really hoping to find her a graceful exit, but to be honest, even if I'd not found the sanitary (or in this case insanitary!) stuff, there was a problem to be sorted out. You just can't leave rotting food, heaped in bin bags with old school books, outgrown clothes, other people's books ... in the corner of your room.
I've given her so many chances to just do this because she's so defensive of her territory, but I just don't feel like she's coping.
Anyone subscribe to a 'cry for help' theory?
Or are we all thinking, leave well alone?

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JoelyB · 19/10/2015 21:04

and incidentally I have been saying 'there's a funny smell in here!' for ages! Now I know why.

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AnyFucker · 19/10/2015 21:06

Welllll, now we are talking generally...

I don't allow my teens to make a health hazard of their rooms

It's my house, I pay for it's upkeep. Rotten food and rotting used sanitary wear will bring creatures to the place and devalue it over time, so I wouldn't let it go

I would give her an out with the sanitary towels, but not the general filth, tbh

SouthWestmom · 19/10/2015 21:37

Wow.
My dd has developed hoarder tendencies and tbh I am now over the whole sensitivity thing. She has ocd and can't get her stuff sorted so I now remove mugs etx and have resorted to removing 'items' and binning them.

I think it all depends on how your relationship has been up to this point and on who your daughter is. What I might do may be very different to what you should do.

However, I would probably say oh that time I cleared up in your room, I noticed you'd started your periods , how brilliant, shall I cancel all the GP stuff?

JoelyB · 19/10/2015 23:32

I quite like that option, Noeuf (don't know how to link to names! Sure I used to know)

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Scarydinosaurs · 20/10/2015 09:28

Gosh, yes that's the best way to do it. Great suggestion, Nouef.

Can you put a really big bin in her room??

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 13:13

Day two, and I am still unearthing soiled underwear. And bags full of rubbish tucked away at the back of drawers. To be honest, I feel I am going to need professional help with this. But she comes home tonight - exhausted from an expedition - and we won't be able to ignore the fact that her room has been gutted.

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SaveOurBogBrushes · 20/10/2015 13:17

Gosh I was untidy in the extreme to the point of my parents complaining about unwashed clothes on the floor etc but never kept bags of used pads etc that's revolting and frankly a bit worrying!

BumWad · 20/10/2015 13:21

I don't have a teenage daughter but it sounds really odd to me. I think you're going to have to have a frank and honest discussion with her. Surely at 16 and doing A-Levels she should know better? Hence there must be an underlying reason?

Good luck.

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 13:21

Yes, thank you. I am aware that it's a bit worrying. I'm in pieces. But I guess you felt like that needed saying.

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JoelyB · 20/10/2015 13:22

BW it's very odd. It's heartbreaking.

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BumWad · 20/10/2015 13:22

Aah didn't want to make you feel worse op. I suppose the earlier responses on this thread maybe encouraged you to pussyfoot around your daughter whereas I think it needs tackling head on.

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 13:24

Sorry BW, my slightly snappy response was aimed at SOBB. I had in fact realised that it was both revolting and worrying.

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PerspicaciaTick · 20/10/2015 13:27

Can you book an appointment for yourself with your GP to talk through your options? So that when you sit down with your DD, you have a realistic view of what the next steps might be?

I'm sorry you are having to cope with this it sounds scary and rather overwhelming.

Naicecuppatea · 20/10/2015 13:29

I would first of all personally want to get to the bottom of why she lied to the health professionals about not having started her periods to the point of having investigations. This is much more serious than her being upset about her room being tidied. Then tackle the room second. Good luck with your chat with her.

Helenluvsrob · 20/10/2015 13:31

Nothing to add to eat has been said but this isn't the 1st thread we've had like this so you aren't alone.

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