15 year old possibly pregnant..

[kjaugust05]

My just turned 15 year old daughter has just informed me that her and her bf had unprotected sex at the end of the summer holidays and there's a possibility she might be pregnant. I made her do a pg test and it was negative. Unfortunately she can't remember when they had sex (it was only once apparently) nor when her period is due. Trying to work it out she thinks it was during w/c 24.08.15 and she thinks her period was due at the beginning of this week. She's ridiculously blase about the dates. I don't know if she's telling me these dates because she wants to believe that the test is a true negative. If I take her to the Dr is there any way they can tell earlier than an over the counter pg test? When I was pg (many year ago) I remember my Dr telling me that the tests you buy over the counter are as good as the ones they use in the lab. Is this still true? I've told her she'll have to do another test on Monday if she hasn't got her period before then.

I am very calm outside but inside I'm raging and very emotional. I can't believe they have been so bloody stupid. I had the bf come down this morning and read them both the riot act about the dangers of unprotected sex etc. Ranted at them both. I can't quite get my head round the fact that my dd has had sex at all. Don't get me wrong, I know teens have sex, I did for heavens sake. But still, my dd?

Another issue is my husband, her dad. She's asked me not to tell him. Obviously if she turns out to be pg then I'll tell him. What about if she isn't? I've never kept anything from my husband before and I'm not sure I want to start now.

This was not how my Friday was supposed to start. :-(

[TwmSionCati]

First of all, calm down.
She has done a negative pregnancy test - that is v important.
She is probably not pregnant.
Sit her down and have a rant about the importance of keeping a diary if you are sexually active.
Take her to the doctor and see if she can have an implant or the pill.
Fingers X's for you and DD.
I know it is really hard seeing your little girl become sexually active but there is not much you can do about it other than discourage it.

[BertieBotts]

Oh no that sounds stressful :(

Twm is right that if she has done a negative test, she probably isn't pregnant.

I don't have advice for the rest, but you could let her know that there are apps which will track your periods for you which are pretty useful to have. Do remember that teens often have irregular cycles anyway, so being late isn't necessarily a cause for concern. If the period doesn't turn up over the weekend it might be worth doing another test on Monday but in my experience, they turn up positive when it's been two weeks since conception.

I think that (of course after being angry that she's been careless) you should be proud that she felt able to tell you. When you feel calmer I think it's a good idea to tell her that you're glad she was able to tell you, and it was the right thing to do so you can help her sort it out. I don't know about keeping it a secret. On the one hand, it's important to keep her trust, on the other hand, he ought to be aware. Maybe talk to her and try to persuade her to tell him herself? You could sit down and have an adult discussion with her about her responsibilities which could include going onto long acting reversible contraception (pill, implant or injection) and as part of the discussion say that it might be an idea to let her dad know that she's become sexually active and is sorting out contraception. (But my dad wasn't around when I was a teenager, so I'm not really sure what's normal.)

[FreckledLeopard]

Did she say why they didn't use contraception? I didn't use it at 15 because I wanted a baby (in the end got pregnant at 18 - a miracle it wasn't earlier). I was a screwed up teenager and thought that having a baby would solve my problems (DD is now 14).

[AndNowItsSeven]

No the doctors test are not more sensitive. Home and bargain cheapie tests are reliable earlier than most.
Hopefully she is not pregnant . I disagree with pp saying their is not much you can do about your dd being sexual active. Your dd is 15 it is illegal for her to have sex. She needs to be protected in the same way as if you found out she was taking illegal drugs.

[TwmSionCati]

" She needs to be protected in the same way as if you found out she was taking illegal drugs "

and how would you suggest OP does that? lock her up? I bet you do not have teens.

[specialsubject]

ok, horse has bolted. As noted it is illegal, and if boyfriend is on the other side of a big enough age gap he could possibly end up as a sex offender.

more importantly right now: (and it is good that you have communication)

• pill or implant ASAP
  
• condoms to be used AS WELL and every time, she doesn't know where he's been.
  
• STD test for same reason.
  
• a think about where she goes from here; unfairly when they split up he may tell the whole school she is a slag. Discretion and keeping the notches on the bedpost down are important. (sorry to be brutal but that's teenagers for you)
  

sounds like she has got away with it re pregnancy, but time to stress that grown up games mean grown up choices.

[Yellowpansies]

As i understand it, if she conceived more than 2 weeks ago then a test would show up positive. So if her dates are right she's not pregnant. A trip to the GP wouldn't be a bad idea though as the GP can discuss contraception etc with her.

[Doje]

On the husband issue, if it was me I would tell him. I couldn't keep something so big from him, and think it's important for your daughter to know that a) you and your DH are a team and b) in a grown up relationship you deal with things together and don't have secrets.

Hope everything works out for you all.

[TwmSionCati]

" unfairly when they split up he may tell the whole school she is a slag. "

sadly I agree, this is an issue. Also tell her to be very very careful of 'private' photos.

[kjaugust05]

Freckled Leopard, they didn't use contraception because it was a spur of the moment decision, they got carried away. (Her words.) I asked her what she would do if she was pg and she said she didn't want a baby. I did snidely ask why they'd had unprotected sex if they didn't want a baby, she had no good answer for that.

Bertie, if I'm honest I don't understand why she didn't come to me in the first place. We've always been open and honest with each other about sex and relationships. After she'd been with her bf six months I did speak to her about sex and contraception and obviously she has all the info from school and we've bought tons of books about being a teen and relationships etc. I asked her this morning why she didn't come to me in the first place and she had no answer for that either. I sincerely hope you and Twm are right about the pg test, the waiting for her period or Monday morning is going to be difficult.

As for dh, he'll know somethings wrong as soon as I walk in the door unless I can calm down before I get home. I'm at work at the moment. With a used pregnancy test wrapped in three plastic bags in my handbag. I couldn't put it in the rubbish bin at home in case he saw it! It's so laughable, I might cry.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Yes I have seven dc oldest 17.

[Mrsjayy]

Dont fret about the not coming to you not all teens are open what did you want her to say "so mum me and the bf might be shagging soon is that ok with you ". Take her to the go or look for a young people contraceptive service most areas have 1 they need to realise if they are going to have sex babies will happen they need to be prepared. Im not a cool mum btw far from it and i would strongly discouraging a 15yrold from having sex so young but you cant stop them.

[AndNowItsSeven]

I was responding to " there is nothing much you can do about it"
There are things you can do

[Mrsjayy]

Gp sorry

[BertieBotts]

I think you should be honest with her and tell her that her dad will know something is up and you'd rather she tell him herself.

I agree with Mrsjayy that that conversation beforehand is unlikely, and awkward.

I think you need to make sure she has access to condoms as well as getting her on the pill. It's just sensible. Teenagers are notoriously bad at considering far reaching future consequences so you want to make sure it's easy for her to make the right one. And keep talking!

[Mrsjayy]

My eldest put herself on the pill at 16 she would rather chew her arm off than actually talk about her having sex even though we spoke about the importance of contraceptive and respect in relationships and all the rest of it the theroy is fine because that is somebody else and not them iyswim.

[kjaugust05]

Thank you for your replies. I can see that expecting her to approach me beforehand was very unlikely to happen. I don't consider myself a cool mum by any stretch of the imagination but in my naivety I just thought the relationship we had would at least leave the door open for a discussion.

In my shock this morning I had totally forgotten the legal aspect of it. I think another chat, hopefully a calmer one than the riot act this morning, is in order.

I am going to tell dh and I'm going to tell my dd that I'm going to tell him. I couldn't keep this from him, especially if she's pregnant. Neither of us are naïve enough to think that our daughter wouldn't have sex but we were hopeful she would have a bit of common sense. Just what goes on in teenagers brains?

Just as a bit of clarification, we are not "permissive" parents. She's very rarely left on her own in the house, I work school hours and her and her bf spend a lot of time with us at the weekend. This happened during the summer holidays when his parents were out for the day and my dd was supposed to be at work. Of course I would rather she wasn't having sex but as has been said previously, short of locking her up I'm not sure what else I can do apart from keep her safe from STD and pregnancy. Which I've obviously failed at so far. :-(

Once her period arrives and we know she's definitely not pregnant, I'll take her to the gp/nurse and they can discuss long term contraception with her. I'm hoping against hope that she's not pregnant, I'm not sure I can stand the waiting. I have a feeling it's going to be a long weekend.

[Mrsjayy]

Btw my comment was hindsight i thought my dd would talk to me too wasnt to be anyway i think telling her dad is the right thing to do and unless you have a teen attached to your hip 24/7 then you cant supervise them and she is 15 not 10 good luck with the chat

[JustDanceAddict]

I'd say she probably isnt' pregnant esp if she normally is regular and the dates are right - the home kits are very strong and can usually detect the hormones before your period is due anyway.
She's had a scare now and hopefully will be much more careful in the future. No-one likes to think of their offspring having sex, esp at 15, but it happens despite the legalities, and I think I would rather my DD have sex early in a relationship, than later with some one-nighter, legal or not.
AS for telling your husband, I would probably feel I had to tell mine, but maybe wait until she has come on so you can say 'she had a scare' rather than 'she may be pg'

[cantbelieveimonhere]

You have to tell your husband now. You are a team.

The hurt you will cause him by not telling (regardless of whether dd is pg or not) is far greater than any little gains you will make with your daughter by not telling.

[Ravingloony]

I understand your pain OP as I went through similar with dd16 in the summer. It turned out she wasn't pregnant but it was so stressful. My dd was on birth control, which I knew nothing about, but messed it up. What is it with teens and not using condoms?
I did tell dh as I was so upset and wanted support but in hindsight wish I had waited. He wasn't much support and said he wished I hadn't told him!
I hope everything turns out OK for your dd and I must mention that our local GUM clinic was great offering lots of advice over the phone and can sort out future birth control etc for you. Good luck.

[Cel982]

I'm undecided on whether telling your husband is the right thing to do. I can absolutely understand not wanting to keep something major from him. On the other hand, your daughter is in many ways an adult now, even if not yet legally, and I think you need to deal with her on an adult plane. Her sexual life is primarily her business, and I'm not sure that other people have a right to information about it against her will. It's a tricky one, though.

[cantbelieveimonhere]

her sexual life is primarily her business
really?!!!!!!!!!!

in the eyes of the law she is a child, underage, a minor etc
It is the business of her parents, plural.

How can individuals, families and societies expect men to play an active role in parenting when they are not involved in such pivotal times of family life?!!!!

[cantbelieveimonhere]

Hope things work out OP, tough wait ahead

[Georgethesecond]

I'm not sure about telling your husband. Obviously you must if she is pregnant. But if she isn't, I'm not sure.