Advice needed for how to handle school meeting on Monday!

[Dizzy79]

Does anyone else feeling 15 again when summoned to the head??

[fuctifino]

Do you know why you have been invited in? Has your dc given you a heads up?

I haven't been that parent but there is still time.

[Dizzy79]

This is maybe the 20th time I have had to go in. My problem is that my daughter has been a real pain for years, lots of trouble at school and home but she has grown up loads in the last 6 months and is actually really nice to be around. I'm getting called in (I think) because she didn't have her hair tied up, she has blue ends, she said she was on the way to the toilets to put it up when she got caught and put in isolation for the day, she was caught smoking on the field with friends, this wasn't a big deal for me I know she smokes. Nothing radical really! Anyway she has been in trouble in her ICT lesson twice this week, both times her computer would not load, she said she was waiting for the teacher to sort everyone out as she was stressing (teacher not daughter) chatting to her mate at side of her, teacher had a fit and threw her out, knowing my daughter she probably did eyerolling tutt, usual teenage stuff.. Anyway the same happened today, system not working, teacher singles three kids out, including my daughter to got to the library to read, daughter was in wrong as muttered "ffs" under breath, gets sent to isolation again, the deputy head called her in and ranted at her for ages, my daughter has had lots of anger management, CAMS appointments and the school are aware of it, anyway daughter says after ages of sitting there not saying anything with her head down (which she has been told to do) she went mental.. she said he was bringing up everything she has ever done wrong.. I know the teacher and I have had to tell him to stop shouting at her whilst I was in the room, shouting at her does not work, he knows this, carrot works, so basically you don;t behave no school trip for example, anyway, my daughter has come so far and hit all her predicted targets even with dyslexia, am I being a rose coloured glasses parent? I just think this behaviour is so much better than previous, and I do believe she is trying she is actually getting up and going!! urr just need another person opinion so I can go in with a level head, thanks

[fuctifino]

Ooh, difficult.
I would suspect it was the 'ffs' that is the issue, that would be a big no no at our school, even though she wasn't directly swearing 'at' the teacher.
Do you have a good relationship with the head? Do you agree with their approach to her behaviour?
It's a shame it's so early in the term for things to have gone pear shaped.
What year is she now?

Good luck with it all, it must be exasperating.

[passthewineasap]

my DD is much the same .
For me supporting school more has actually had a way more positive outcome for dd me and school. I was all fought out and defended her probably to much. Tough as it is they need to learn no employers will care if they have anger management issues or tolerate it so its a harsh life lesson. I work on a reward system at home for her behaviour in school and it appears to be working. I also brought several stress balls and rescue remedy .

[Dizzy79]

I have always supported the school, however, things at home got so bad because of the behaviour at school that I decided not to punish her at home got things she had already been punished for at school. She had already done the days isolation for the ffs. I suppose I'm finding I difficult to understand why the head had her in the office shouting at her and going on about. All the prior behaviour when he knows that is just going to push her buttons, I've had to tell him to stop shouting at her in meetings before when I have there supporting what he has said. I don't stick up for her if she is in the wrong. Like I said reward works better for her, last year her head of year knew that to threaten that she misses school trips worked. She is behaving at home this is the problem, she hates school, always has and got really let down for years with her learning difficulty. The head sometimes acts like one of the kids with his eye rolling and stuff. My daughter has a Saturday job and babysits and her boss and the parents say she's lovely and polite. She only has a year left.

[pasanda]

If she has anger management problems and the school are aware of this, coupled with the fact that she has clearly been trying harder to behave and the 'reward' thing worked before, I think it is dreadful that the teacher shouted so much at her! What sort of example does that set?? It earns the teacher absolutely no respect from the student and spectacularly backfires most of the time with kids like this.

My ds was getting into trouble quite a bit last year (yr 9) and things took a very negative turn. You know….seen as the bad kid and balled at a lot etc. The head shouted at him so much after ds had written sweary stuff on a friends planner that he was self harming by scratching his arm with his fingernail, underneath his shirt sleeve during the telling off. The head didn't notice. He still has a scar to this day.

Since then, we have made the school aware of everything we are doing for him at home (psychotherapy), rewards and also the triggers to his self harm etc and the school have been brilliant in accepting that for him, to get good behaviour, he actually needs positivity. The HOY emailed all his teachers and asked them to be as positive as they could be with him and also with me and his dad at parents evening!

This helped ds so much and I really appreciate how much effort his school have gone to, to help him. They seem to be seeing who he really is and trying their best for him.

In your dd's case this does not sound at all like this is happening and that is a shame and especially hard for you, I imagine, if you have seen lots of improvement with her behaviour at home.

I also agree that she shouldn't be punished at home for stuff she has been punished in school for.

[mumsgotaminute]

oh my goodness... Im goin through exactly the same thing with my DD. just gone into yr10 and already i've got a mtg with the governors and he had isloation today for the Prk comment after nearly an exactly the same situation with one of his teachers, the same one that he always locks horns with, r has a fabulous lesson with!! Ive pointed this out to the Yr Tutor an finally suggested the pair of them go and sort it out - my son says he actually quite likes the teacher but knows he's bullied by another member of staff - sometimes the school need to realise what we the parents & kids can see.... deputy heads having affairs with staff whos kids are at the school etc... clean up their own house before they start slamming inelligent high achieving kids for having bit of spark and big personalities ... they have picked on my son so much over the past three years that where he used to be funny and lighthearted hes now sarcastic and bad tempered. Kids need to know where the line is.... for both teacher and pupil... if its not consistant then how can you expect an already confused teenager know wtf is goin on.....
oopsy I dont think i helped you stay level headed, but its good to know other people are goin through exactly the same thing.... if it helps, I email my DDs teachers individually to find out what is goin on, and tbh... there is just this 1 specific teacher who has a problem. One or two get bored of constantly nudging him but get that he is a teenager, and the rest see the other side of him that is a joy to teach....
maybe you could try these type of communication channels goin forward?? That way the constant ffs or Prk comments can be looked at in context?