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How do I support my son?

(4 Posts)
itallsucks Fri 04-Sep-15 10:14:53

NC for this, been found!

16yr old ds has ended up at a sixth form his dad doesn't like, it's the sixth form ds has chosen with the A levels of his choice....he didn't want to go to the ones his dad wanted him to go to as he says his dad will pressure him to live with him (the others are closer to his dad's house) which he doesn't want. Ds has been to visit his dad twice since he made his sixth form choice (final decision made last week) and both times he has come home and said his dad has been "mouthing off" stating that although ds feels it's his choice, it's not, apparently my dh and I have heavily influenced him to go to this particular sixth form, he's not happy with the A level's he's chosen, apparently I only want to keep him living with me because then I will still receive benefits for him (chb and csa), ds commented to his gp (dads parent) that after his A levels he would like to get a job, apparently this is my doing as ds has never mentioned a job before! Ds has told his dad that it's all his choice and we haven't influenced him in anyway, his dad doesn't believe him. After his last visit he came home very angry as he didn't like the way his dad was behaving.

How do I support my son through this? I haven't slated his dad for what he has said (that doesn't achieve anything), ds called him an arse, I've told him if that is how he feels then that is how he feels and he is entitled to those feelings. I've told ds I want to help him but I don't know how, I've explained that I can't really offer any advice because we both know that'll be interpreted in to me telling him what to do (although there are a few things I would really love to say!), I do not want to interfere in his relationship with his dad, it's his relationship...not mine. I have advised him to contact childline so he has someone who he can talk to that will offer impartial advice but I feel like I should be doing more, it's not fair that he should have to be dealing with this.

Ds and I both know how much I have tried to get him to look at the other sixth forms, how I encouraged him to consider all options, not just those that apparently worked in my favor, so that part doesn't bother me, the man has always assumed I do everything to benefit me, I don't expect that to change now, but sometimes it just gets so damn frustrating!

wickedwaterwitch Fri 04-Sep-15 10:17:50

Keep supporting his choice of sixth form, keep being kind, it'll be fine.

Mitzi50 Fri 04-Sep-15 10:36:15

This is not about 6th forms - it is about his father wanting to maintain control. DD moved to one of the top grammar schools in the country for 6th form but she had to listen to her father ranting on that she was making a mistake! This was because the decision had been made without consulting him because he is an unreasonable, controlling arse.

I think the best way to support your son is to boost his self confidence and practice ways to shut down these pointless conversations- he is a nearly, adult young man who has clearly made an informed decision. The decision has been made and his father needs to get over it.

itallsucks Fri 04-Sep-15 10:45:39

Thanks wicked and Mitzi, I just feel so helpless, I had a feeling this would happen but didn't want to actually believe it would. I keep telling him that if this is truely what he wants then he needs to stick to his guns and everything will be fine.

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