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How to cope when they go .....

(15 Posts)
slippersmum Mon 17-Aug-15 08:59:17

My eldest Ds had decided to go travelling for a year, which of course I was thrilled about and thought what a wonderful opportunity we have always had a really great relationship. I have been very lucky. But now he has told us he plans to get a job and stay there. I can't even put into words how this has made me feel. To be completely honest and totally selfish I am devastated. It's what parents do isn't it raise then release them but wow I didn't know it would feel like this. For those who have been through this do you have any kind words? I have just found out so I will get my head round it but right now I could do with a little of that MN support.

OllyBJolly Mon 17-Aug-15 09:06:50

Congratulations on raising a child to be so independent that they can go it alone in another country. Well done you. With Skype etc keeping in touch is easy and you have a new holiday destination!

Seriously - even if he's thousands of miles away he needs your support, even if that's virtual. It might be your efforts that keep you in regular contact but he will appreciate it.

(I have a 23 year old who did move out for five years travelling and is now back home with no signs of moving out. Things are strained! We got on so much better when she visited for a few weeks at a time)

Lonelymom101 Mon 17-Aug-15 10:18:50

I feel for you. Im in a similar sit. My oldest son leaves for college all the way across the country in one month. I have an older daughter that lives in the same state and left home at 22 so she was easier. My son is just 18 and we are very close. Im a single mom and he and i have always been best friends. My mom died a yr and half ago and i had a falling out w the rest of my family this past year. My friends are all pretty superficial friends whom i only really have bec my younger son (10) is friends w their kids. So its been just my 2 sons and i for a long time. Once he leaves, itll really just be my youngest son and i. He oftens goes to his dads too. Im really struggling w my oldest leaving. We will only be able to see him at xmas and for a short summer vaca bec its so far. I really am realizing just how alone i am. I also work in an office by myself. My life will be so isolated w just my youngest and i. Ive tried to see friends more, preparing for this, but theyre always busy w their own lives. To top it off i was diagnosed w severe RA in feb so my energy and physical stamina are really depleted. Can anyone help? How do i deal w him being gone? How do i start to live a fuller life? Im afraid im going into a depression.

Trifle66 Mon 17-Aug-15 13:16:11

I'm dreading it too. One DD who intends to leave for uni next year. It will be me and the dog left once she has gone. There has only been the two of us. I'm ok with her leaving and seeing the world but really want her to settle down near me. I know it's selfish
I feel jealous of people who have more than one child as deep down in thinking at least one of your children will not move too far away.

Aww, I really feel for you all. My DD has been away for the last 2 weeks with the NCS programme and I missed her so much! She's just starting sixth form so we have her home for 2 more years but it's not so long is it? Her being away really made me think how it will feel then especially as last week was "independent living" on a Uni campus
Abroad is even tougher of course.

All I can say is 1) They are his plans - it might change
2) There are ways to keep in touch and he still needs you
3) I once had an amazing year abroad living in Japan. It might be the making of him and he can tell you all about it on visits or when he gets back?

slippersmum Mon 17-Aug-15 15:27:19

It has really helped to know I am not alone in feeling this way. I feel guilty for being selfish and am always very encouraging. I can talk to him about anything and we have such a laugh together. I know there are ways to stay in touch but it won't be the same. I suppose I just need time to readjust. I wonder if allowing myself to feel the loss and sad (in private) is a way to deal with it? And to talk to you guys, which always helps.

Yes slipper always really important to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling - I do know what you mean
I'm not so good at that either partly I think because I wasn't given much time or space to feel sad in childhood. DP's bless them were understandably always trying to cheer me up if I was sad about anything. I think that happens quite a lot.
Possibly our generation is getting slightly better at feelings, and at talking about them too? Can you do some nice things together before he sets off on his adventures? Maybe talk with him just a bit about how you're feeling too. I'm sure it'd be OK to do that you know? Nice to know your Mum will be missing you x

dexter73 Tue 18-Aug-15 12:42:11

My dd has recently set off for Australia/SE Asia and is planning on staying for 6 months. At least I know she is coming back so I'm not sure how I would feel if she said she was going permanently. We do phone and message a bit but tbh I'm trying not to contact her too much (but not too little that she might think think I'm not interested!) at the moment. It is hard and I do feel sad at times but I know she will be having a great adventure!

slippersmum Tue 18-Aug-15 14:34:56

Thanks everyone. It's weird isn't it I never really thought about this part of parenting guess I was so busy doing it didn't think about when it would be 'over'. Maybe new phase is a better term. I shall think that through the sobs after he has gone!!

Chottie Tue 18-Aug-15 17:44:09

DD took a gap year before uni. Loads of people said either she would not come back or she would come back and not go to uni.

Neither happened, she came back after a wonderful year and went straight on to uni smile

Well done on raising a confident young adult smile you are not being selfish, it's natural to miss them. Life does go on, but you just develop a different pattern.....

Lonelymom101 Tue 18-Aug-15 18:07:07

Ugh it is so hard. Thats what we r trying to do this month and next before he leaves. Spend as much time as possible together doing the things we love. I did talk to him about my feelings and worries but he is dead set on his goals so that makes me worry less. I need to try and seperate myself a bit from the loss and focus on ways I can improve my own life. So w my younger son and possibly start dating again? Yuck! Haha

WhatifIdid Tue 18-Aug-15 21:52:56

Aw I feel for you Slippersmum and everyone else. My youngest leaves in 3 weeks for the big wide world. I veer from real fear that I won't cope with the sadness and loss to excitement about this new phase of life where I will be living on my own for the first time ever.

I think it's ok to tell them you'll miss them lots and ask them to stay in contact via text/email or calls, particularly at first while they're still finding their feet and you are

I'm also working on bribes to lure him back occasionally - sunday roasts, lunches out, favourite walks etc <<evil mum>> And planning some nice surprise parcels to send to help feel more in touch still.

Yes it is a new chapter isn't it slipper?

I guess momentous enough you could say a second book almost, or maybe a third or fourth in the series if you think about those baby days, middle childhood, and teenage years?

I hope I'm helping and not making anyone blub any more!

onlyoranges Wed 19-Aug-15 21:52:30

Oh god I can relate to this. My dd is off soon to and I am also putting on that jolly face. My mum is so upset I keep having to tell her to keep it to herself (but that's not something she is good at). But he visits her every week and she is not well and I know she will miss those visits terribly as they always have a good giggle together. This growing up business is far harder than I ever thought really. In fact I have to say this is starting to feel like the most painful part of being a mum and something I never thought or prepared for. I am really glad to hear of other people's experiences.

Savagebeauty Wed 19-Aug-15 21:57:02

DS will definitely go and live in another country on the other side of the world... But I am looking forward to a new life for me as well.
Dd is off to uni soon and I am looking forward to seeing her become independent and more mature

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