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dd has just thrown her phone battery at my head and ds1 says hates me and I'm too old

(40 Posts)
jellyhead Sat 15-Aug-15 19:17:04

As the summer holidays rumble on I am losing the will to live.
Dd 14 wants to be out all day every day sometimes with friends I don't know. Today I said no . She shouted at me and swore at her dad so I bravely demanded her mobile. She took the battery out and said here you are throwing at my head. I'm ashamed to say I picked it up and threw it back at her.
Ds1 16 who does have asd but has excelled himself this break. Refuses to go out then complains he's bored. I bribed him out today with a shopping trip ( he likes clothes) but I didn't want to go where he wanted to so he ranted at me saying how he truly hates me and doesn't want to be seen with me as I'm old and dress badly. I stopped the car and told him to get out and he could walk back home.
Dh has been ill for months waiting for surgery so not much support only to say I let them get away with too much.
Ds1 gcse results next week. Dreading it as school has been a bloody nightmare.
Sick of teenage drama.
Anyone else lost it today ?

Ragwort Sat 15-Aug-15 19:26:31

flowers - I haven't lost it today ............. mainly because DS is out all day with DH so I've had a lovely day to myself.

I feel for you, being a parent to teenagers is hell - my DS also tells me I am 'too old' and doesn't want to be seen with me in public. He even suggested I should dye my hair the other day.

No suggestions really, I think lots of teenagers can be very, very testing. I sometimes think that we would never put up with a husband or friend treating us the way teenage children do sad - but as they are our children we have to love them 'unconditionally'.

jellyhead Sat 15-Aug-15 19:31:44

Thank you.
Hell is a very good description of teenage parenting

YeOldeTrout Sat 15-Aug-15 19:39:29

I wish I had teens that went out (wistful)

FortyCoats Sat 15-Aug-15 19:49:35

I've only got one dc, dd so maybe I'm naive but I honestly can't believe your dd threw something at you.

I don't blame you for throwing it back. (We both know it wasn't the right thing to do but, fuck me, I'd bust dd if she that to me)

Do you have a job outside the home? I ask because of you do, how you handle things will be different to how you would if you're a sahp.


jellyhead Sat 15-Aug-15 19:50:35

I'm grateful dd does go out a lot but I don't always know who with and where. She is vague to say the least so then I start worrying what she is up to.
Meanwhile ds1 won't go out so today was going well until his 20 minute rant.
Middle ground would be nice

jellyhead Sat 15-Aug-15 19:52:37

I do work . Two 12 hour shifts a week and that's why I'm hanging onto my sanity by the fingernails.
I can't believe she threw it at me as well. Bloody hurt

KatharineClifton Sat 15-Aug-15 19:55:47

These young people with their new fangled ways and knowing how to remove a battery without 5 minutes faffing...

I have two of the feckers. They alternate being at war with me with being at war with each other. I actually miss the toddler days.

jellyhead Sat 15-Aug-15 20:02:07

That'd so true. I have no idea how to get the back of my phone off.
I practically weep at pictures of them as toddlers. They were so sweet

FortyCoats Sat 15-Aug-15 20:14:24

They've got you kind of cornered so because last minute drama would affect you job. Still, all is not lost if you can put on imaginary armour and remember what you're trying to teach them...

Dd needs to understand why telling you where she is, is important. If she doesn't, she stays home. She needs to understand throwing things is not how best to deal with anger and it's certainly not how anyone should treat another human, let alone their mum. She's a teen so not mentally equipped just yet to behave like an adult but she's certainly capable of respect and conversation instead of ranting and throwing. She's learning how to be an adult so you've got to stand your ground and make her see there are consequences to behaving as she has done.

Dd phone is her 'life'. Her room and all that's in it are her world. She's a good kid but on occasion I've earned her she will lose it all if her attitude doesn't improve or a certain behaviour continues. She knows one warning is all she gets. Ive rarely had to follow through.

You're in control here, not them. It's not okay to disrespect you, end of and the consequence is losing what's important to them. I'd sit them down, tell them today was the last straw and that they could expect huge changes from here on in. Remind them you are a person and not 'just a mum' and you will never allow a repeat of today. They test you. Try to wear you down but stay strong.

Make a list of rules and consequence. Tell them they will always get one warning (except for something major like throwing things or name calling). Give an allowance, not money on tap.
As soon as any of them break a rule you enforce your punishment and stick to it. It'll be hell so have a 'calm down' strategy. Dont entertain the persistent begging/screaming. Walk away and never look shook.

Be careful with your words. Don't raise your voice (they'll love pointing out all your faults so don't give them the chance!) and don't do or say anything you wouldn't want them to repeat.

Discuss all of this with DH before you sit down with the DC and make sure he backs up your decisions.

Get your fags/chocolate/strong coffee and your hard hat and go for it. You won't look back.

FortyCoats Sat 15-Aug-15 20:16:28

occasion I've earned - occasion I've warned

Indomitable Sat 15-Aug-15 20:19:12

Hello, I don't have my own teenagers (yet), but I get to work with the darlings!

Regarding the things they say that relate to being embarrassed to be seen with you - I listened to this Radio 4 podcast a while back with Sarah Jayne Blakemore. She explained the self-consciousness of the teenage brain (peaking around age 16) that seems to have a huge negative affect on their behaviour. Also about their ability to plan (or rather lack thereof). It's all to do with the changes in brain architecture, rather than the hormones we often blame. The insights have really helped me in thinking about the kids I work with.

It won't change them, but, well, they say knowledge is power!

My personal theory is that teenagers behave so horribly so that they're encouraged to break out into the world and seek independence. If they were all lovely and wonderful we'd never want them to leave!

But then I would say that, DS is 4. Good luck!

Indomitable Sat 15-Aug-15 20:21:05

Aargh, I just wrote you a post but my browser freaked out and lost it.

Long story short (it was waffle anyway): I listened to this podcast a while back - an interview with Sarah-Jayne Blakemore who studies the teenage brain. I found it really helpful.

Hope it's helpful to you too.

Indomitable Sat 15-Aug-15 20:21:33

Oh, I see. Now it posts it. <facepalm>

dementedma Sat 15-Aug-15 20:28:39

I have two twenty something's and one young teen, but none of them have ever thrown anything at me and God help them if they did! I would have picked up the battery and immediately dumped it out of the window or into the bin.No phone.
Re Ds and his unpleasant comments - I sure as hell wouldn't be buying clothes for someone who thought I was old and ugly and was rude to me.
If phone really needed for security I would then buy a brick and put a tenner on it - out of her allowance.

jellyhead Sat 15-Aug-15 20:28:52

Thank you fortycoats and indomitable. Words of wisdom gratefully received.
I don't feel like the adult anymore and have let them get away with many things as have tried to avoid confrontation with their dad being unwell.
However things do need to change ...

Clare1971 Sat 15-Aug-15 20:28:56

Just had indomitable's problem - wrote a post and it disappeared. Maybe you'll get this twice now. What I wanted to say was, I don't have any helpful advice! I sometimes think that the more patient I am the more DD has to up the anti just to make sure she eventually gets to me. I know all the 'put in consequences' stuff but they do reach an age where they don't care about consequences, especially if they earn their own money, but are too young to threaten to kick out the house. My DD is lovely most of the time, which is a blessing, but when she loses it, boy do we all suffer. The two best bits of advice I've heard which I try to follow is first, to try to detach emotionally a bit, and second. Bugger, I've forgotten the second bit. That's how addled my brain is.

Clare1971 Sat 15-Aug-15 20:30:43

Just remembered the second bit - when they are in the middle of an outburst, treat it like a hurricane, in other words, don't attempt to deal with it, just keep yourself safe and wait for it to end. When it's quiet, then you can talk - nothing you say during a hurricane will be heard anyway.

FortyCoats Sat 15-Aug-15 20:36:48

You must be frazzled Jelly, I am with just one. They're bloody hard work for sure but please don't lose 'you' in all of this.

As a pp said, we wouldn't allow others to treat us as badly.

I'm in the same camp as dementedma. Maybe I come across harsh but it's with every good intention and a kind a 'mums United' front.

Basically, take no more shit. You deserve better and they need to understand and respect that.

They'll give a shit about consequences if it means losing what's important (and provided by you) to them.

FortyCoats Sat 15-Aug-15 20:38:18

That's a good one clare - very true.

TSSDNCOP Sat 15-Aug-15 20:50:51

If someone threw something at you in the street or at work you'd rightly go postal. Why should a child doing it in temper be any different? I presume you pay for the phone. If so, sorry DD, no phone.

DS also needs a lesson. Don't want to be seen with your mam? Sorry DS, no new gear.

Being a teen and having a poorly dad absolutely doesn't excuse you being rude and obnoxious.

insanityscatching Sat 15-Aug-15 21:14:07

I wouldn't tolerate any of that tbh (dd2 is soon to be my fifth teen and two have autism) What consequences have you given? If dd likes to be out then she'd be getting her wings clipped for a while and ds would be finding out just how much he should be appreciating you by finding out what it's like when you withdraw services for a week or so.
I'm actually pretty easygoing and rarely needed sanctions because they were all aware that pissing me off was the quickest route to being miserable. Don't let them get away with it or they will do it for you.

jellyhead Sat 15-Aug-15 21:26:15

Thank you all. It's been a crap day but you've given me some ideas and strength .

Penfold007 Sat 15-Aug-15 21:28:19

Someone please explain to me why are parents putting up with this sort of behaviour from their teens/children? If someone posted on here that their partner/spouse behaved this way MN jury would quickly tell that this behaviour is Domestic Violence.

Possibly these aggressors need to realise there are consequences for such behaviour but I do accept its difficult to put in place.

Runs off to hide behind sofa to avoid flaming.

jellyhead Sat 15-Aug-15 21:32:31

I'll join you behind the sofa.
I'm not putting up with it. Today was enough for me . It's been a lot of things over time and today I've had enough.
I feel motivated now to tackle it . Not expecting miracles but not going to continue like this

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