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DD 17.5 staying with b/f in term-time

(12 Posts)
beelights Thu 13-Aug-15 19:33:07

Just had a car ride with DD 17.5 who said that once she goes back to do her A2s this September she will be staying more often with b/f, who lives right near college. Her current trip to college is 45 mins on the college bus. She is sensible, reasonably pleasant (usual foul tempers followed by sweetness, occasional room tidying and chores, generally nice if still snarky 20% of time), responsible with a degree of fecklessness and is easily distracted but sound sense of priorities-ish - the usual mixed teenage bag! Her AS results today were CCD, she was capable of a BBC/BCC but gets anxiety attacks under stress/exams. She is with a nice lad who she stays with as often as she wants to in the holidays. However, I had to bite my tongue (not very successfully) to tell her she certainly wasn't going to stay with him in term-time weekdays. She told me I wasn't being fair and it was her life/choice etc. She is very strong-willed and very keen to be independent. She was always like this, even as a child. She responds well to reasoned negotiation. But I am so unsure what to do for the best....I am single parent to her and her twin brother, have cancer (just lost sight in that eye), and am feeling like I just need to keep things very simple and can't deal with confrontation. I was going to suggest she could do 1 night a week with him and weekends IF her grades stay as they should and her attendance. She will be 18 in Feb and then tougher to argue any case. Some sensible suggestions for my addled brain would be so welcome. Do your 17.5 DDs get to stay over on weeknights? Is it time to hand over to her and let her make her own decisions/mistakes/learning? ~ Thank You ~ Bee

Oswin Thu 13-Aug-15 19:36:33

Its time for her to make her own decisions. She is old enough to make this one.
I would set some house rules though. Always to let you know when she's not staying at home for one.

Dancingqueen17 Thu 13-Aug-15 20:09:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beelights Thu 13-Aug-15 20:53:29

Hello,

Thanks for the messages. So, maybe time to let go!

I think our relationship is pretty strong, so she is unlikely to leave at 18 unless, as you say, I really push her away.

She is not really a shoulder to cry on or someone to share my feelings with as I am a very private person and our relationship is more about sharing a DVD and going out for lunch together - we have an unspoken understanding of each other to a deep level though.

I think the idea of looking at her timetable is a good one and maybe finding a good day to make it work whilst balancing her being here with us as a family.

Boyfriend lives at home. This is another qualm I have, though DD says it is absolutely fine: her b/f has a twin brother who he shares a room with, who sleeps on the top of the double bunk when she is there. I can only presume they don't have sex when he is about. She says it is completely cool, they are all great friends and anyway, she wears PJs and so do the boys (?). His Mum and Step-Dad seem nice from what I can deduce from what she says, though I haven't met them, and she gets on well with his Mum. My brain just isn't working 100% at the moment and I can't be sure I have enough clarity to see this all in perspective!

Thanks so much ~ Bee

Dancingqueen17 Fri 14-Aug-15 13:45:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkje Fri 14-Aug-15 13:56:16

I know she's an adult but I think I would ask to meet the parents and they should at least know of your cancer. That is a serious amount of emotional baggage on you.

rogueantimatter Fri 14-Aug-15 16:50:20

My guess is that bf's parents wouldn't be happy with this arrangement. If you don't have a number for them already perhaps you could get her to give you it by explaining to her that if she's going to be there quite a lot you want to give the parents a financial contribution.

Or you could have nerves of steel - nod and smile - while secretly hoping that the proposed arrangement falls through.

I wish you the best of luck with this tricky situation and also with your cancer treatment. flowers

ImperialBlether Fri 14-Aug-15 16:56:50

Who on earth does this arrangement suit? His parents have to feed her and put up with another person in the house/bathroom etc. Her boyfriend's twin doesn't have any space to himself. Where will she do her work?

nonameatall01 Fri 14-Aug-15 16:58:04

no way would I agree to my dd sharing a bedroom with 2 teenage boys. It is putting her in potentially an extremely vulnerable position.

Finola1step Fri 14-Aug-15 17:03:40

So she shares a bed with her bf and his twin sleeps in the same room. I think you need to talk to his parents directly.

Oblique27 Fri 14-Aug-15 17:08:11

How is she proposing to fund her time elsewhere? Hope she doesn't expect you to do so?

Iwasbornin1993 Fri 14-Aug-15 17:33:42

Can her BF not stay at yours instead?

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