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DSS(15) Behaving appallingly and seems really unhappy, what can I do?

(5 Posts)
evmil Sun 02-Aug-15 20:20:16

Im sorry this is so long...

I have 3 DSS's (15, 14 and 13). The eldest's behaviour can be appalling. He can be lovely, and is a great big brother to my other DSS's and DS(4).

They all live with us full time, along with DSS1's friend (who's also 15). DSS1's childhood has hardly been perfect. DH's family live in the US (which is where I met him and where we used to live together) and are all a little bit 'rough around the edges' i.e. problems with the law, drugs etc. DH is now separated from that, as is FIL, and we moved to the UK 2 years ago for DH's work.

DSS1 has a different mum to the other two and has no contact with her at all. She last saw him on his fifth birthday, and the lack of contact has been her choice. DH also went to prison when the boys were young, and they stayed with FIL during this time. DSS's, especially DSS1, are really close to FIL and it was difficult for them when we moved.

Anyway, DSS's behaviour has never been perfect. There has also been fights. trouble at school, trouble with the police, general attitude and not doing what he is told. However, DH tends to be okay at dealing with him so there were never really any huge problems. He has also always been reality up beat and happy and will joke around.

All this has changed in the last 9 months. He seems so down and upset, even when he is doing something with his brothers he never seems that happy. He will not listen to DH at all (they used to be really close so this has upset DH), and they are constantly clashing about everything. He has been in relatively serious trouble with the police, has been caught with drugs, has stole from DH and doesn't listen to anything he is told. He can also be quite argumentative and combative. Anytime DH tells him off, it is met with 'well you did worse when you were younger' and DH doesn't know how to respond. To top it all off, he spat at a teacher at the end of term, so I'm not even sure if he has a school place to go back to in September

DSS's 2 and 3 have left to go and visit their mum for 3 weeks and DSS has been so could to me since. DH is away so its just him, me, DS and his friend. Anytime I have asked to do something its just been met with a load of swearing.

He just seems so unhappy, and I know he probably feels lonely but literally what am I supposed to do about it? This is going to sound ridiculous but when he used to laugh, it used to be a really deep laugh, and he'd grin and you could see in his eyes how happy he was. Now when he laughs its just half hearted, like its not really in it sad.

And I'm not going to lie, the selfish part of me is at the end of my tether with the whole bloody thing.

Yorkshirebornandbread Tue 04-Aug-15 07:35:55

s there something which might have happened to cause his attitude to change - schools, friends? It must be also incredibly difficult for him to have been rejected by his mother. If you could, maybe think about counselling for him. He may be old enough to benefit from this. Hope things get better for you very soon.

SugarPlumTree Tue 04-Aug-15 07:43:21

I think the clue to his behaviour is the bit where you said he has been caught with drugs. This all sounds very tough to deal with flowers

sandgrown Tue 04-Aug-15 07:43:42

He does sound unhappy and as someone currently dealing with a stroppy teenager I feel for you. Did the move affect him more than you thought? As he gets older is he questioning his abandonment by his mother? Can his grandad help at all? I hope someone with more experience can give you some advice but you sound like you are doing the best you can

LineRunner Tue 04-Aug-15 07:48:35

Hi, OP. I remember your story from another recent thread, and thought your situation sounded really difficult.

Do you think the friend staying has affected your DSS in any way? What's the dynamic like there? Is your home feeling a little crowded? And I suppose the other more obvious question is, do you think DSS is unhappy about your DH working away, as you understandably seem to be.

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