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dd17 and money we give her

(68 Posts)
nonameatall01 Sun 02-Aug-15 13:22:49

Have one dd, aged 17. We have had lots of issues with her over the last 18 months or so, which has hit my confidence re parenting.

Since she finished school for the summer she has contributed nothing at home at all regards housework, clearing up after herself etc. She doesn't normally do much anyway, and I have been lax in making her. But since the holidays she doesn't even pick up her own dirty plates unless nagged to do so.

She has also been going out a lot and spending a fair amount of money, which we give her as she has no summer job or anything like that. Over the last couple of weeks we have raised the possibility of her doing tasks for more money. We've made it clear it isn't things like clearing your plate away but actually bigger stuff - such as the gardening which sorely needs doing. She has taken no notice. On thursday when I gave her money to go out I said no more money now until you do the garden. She said fine, I will do it on Friday. On Friday she went out, no gardening done, she had money left over so didn't ask for any more. Said she would do the gardening on Sat. On Sat afternoon, no gardening done, she asked for money to go out. I said no, refused to engage further than saying, I told you what the rules were to get more money, other than £20 every week given on Monday. She phoned my dh who repeated the same. She went out anyway, came back and asked for money for a cab which we gave her (she was going to a party and coming back very late) whilst specifying that this was the only money we would give her until Monday and that cab money is different to giving her spending money.

Today she has asked for money again. Said she was doing the gardening on Monday. Both dh and I said, money paid when gardening done (so repeating the same message she has had several times). She went bonkers, was really rude. Dh told her to go upstairs, she wasn't going out any more, she went out anyway. In order to have stopped her we would have physically had to restrain her which we are not going to do.

How are we doing this wrong? We have never not given her money before when she has asked for it to go out. I am thinking this is our fault, she has never had to do much around the house, never had to really plan financially (although during term time she doesn't spend a huge amount anyway). What do we need to do to help her understand things?

mrsdavidbowie Sun 02-Aug-15 13:26:44

Don't give her any money.
Yes she should be doing jobs round the house and should have been for years.
Can she get a job?

scatterthenuns Sun 02-Aug-15 13:31:32

You really need to stop giving her money. Cab money isn't different. Its all just money she expects to be given for no effort.

ilovesooty Sun 02-Aug-15 13:33:15

Does she have a phone? Who pays for that?

LaurieFairyCake Sun 02-Aug-15 13:35:12

The front door locks both ways is my favourite saying with teenagers.

I would give her no money on Monday until she's done the gardening and no money until she did two days grounding at home for storming out when not allowed.

Yes, you have to put your foot down. If she kicks off leave the room, if she really kicks off call the police (violence etc).

middleeasternpromise Sun 02-Aug-15 13:35:39

Unfortunately you have taught her (a) she doesn't need to do anything to get money from you and (b) your 'no' doesn't mean NO. So you have now got a tougher job on your hands than if you had laid the foundations earlier.

I have always linked money to expectations - eg 9 yr old does hoovering and own room tidying for pocket money. Teenager does much much more but has a bigger allowance than her friends that is linked to the fact she can babysit her sib when I would ordinarily have to pay someone else to do it. She would rather earn the money but it wouldn't be available to her for nothing.

You will have to prepare yourself for a serious backlash as angry adolescents who believe they are entitled to things and are in the developmental stage of life where they want to reject parental attachments - wont take kindly to new rules. Good luck but in truth you will be doing her a favour in the long run

Acatcalledfluffy Sun 02-Aug-15 13:58:40

I'm in a similar position here. Dd16 finished school in June and has done sod all since. She is so lazy its unbelievable. I blame myself because I have had such a horrendous year with her that I just can't face any more arguments and drama and have let her get away with too much. We gave her some money as we had to cancel our holiday plans so thought it would be nice to give her some spending money for here instead but wish we hadn't. I haven't got any good advice as I am feeling quite pathetic about it all myself but you are not alone.

RainbowRoses Sun 02-Aug-15 14:32:58

We have found that sticking to the no money until after the doing what was required works.
Even if teen does walk out the house they still have no money and the job still needs to be done.
You need to stay firm and clear about what is required to earn the money.

Murdermysteryreader Sun 02-Aug-15 18:43:24

Unfortunately you've created a rod for your own back here. You will need to be steely to raise the expectations of her. She needs to get a summer job or work per hour for you for about £6. Why would she work as she receives money anyway. At her age many teenagers are babysitting. Dog walking or have a Saturday job. You need to get tough here. You want money get a job. Lots of pubs and restaurants have little jobs going. If would be better if she had work outside the home as it will force her to grow up a bit. Best of luck.

KittensOnAPlane Sun 02-Aug-15 18:48:40

can you not give me some money please?

seriously why are you giving her money? all you are doing is teaching her that she doesnt need to do anything to help out but will still get money

i'd stop the £20 each monday as well, what is she doing to earn that?

my boys have to empty the dishwasher, bins etc and help out as told to get their pocket money

KittensOnAPlane Sun 02-Aug-15 18:51:30

she has contributed nothing at home at all regards housework, clearing up after herself etc. She doesn't normally do much anyway, and I have been lax in making her. But since the holidays she doesn't even pick up her own dirty plates unless nagged to do so.

hello? she does NOTHING to help?

She has also been going out a lot and spending a fair amount of money, which we give her as she has no summer job or anything like that. Over the last couple of weeks we have raised the possibility of her doing tasks for more money. We've made it clear it isn't things like clearing your plate away but actually bigger stuff - such as the gardening which sorely needs doing. She has taken no notice. On thursday when I gave her money to go out I said no more money now until you do the garden. She said fine, I will do it on Friday. On Friday she went out, no gardening done, she had money left over so didn't ask for any more. Said she would do the gardening on Sat. On Sat afternoon, no gardening done, she asked for money to go out. I said no, refused to engage further than saying, I told you what the rules were to get more money, other than £20 every week given on Monday. She phoned my dh who repeated the same. She went out anyway, came back and asked for money for a cab which we gave her (she was going to a party and coming back very late) whilst specifying that this was the only money we would give her until Monday and that cab money is different to giving her spending money.

read this back, and look at what you are saying

cashewnutty Sun 02-Aug-15 18:54:44

You stop all money and give nothing, nada, zilch until she starts to pull her weight. Give her a list of chores that must be completed before she gets money. No giving in to begging. No money for taxi's. Not a bean. No £20 on Monday. Not until she starts doing something in return. If she doesn't like it she can get a job.

I have 17yo DD who has a strenuous summer job and also does whatever chores i leave for her to do on a daily basis. She never complains and she never asks for money. As a result she gets treated every so often to some toiletries or a new top or whatever.

She needs to learn a good work ethic and that starts right now.

Dancingqueen17 Sun 02-Aug-15 18:56:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chippednailvarnish Sun 02-Aug-15 18:56:56

Why are you facilitating her awful attitude?

No money, no phone, no WiFi. I bet she'll soon buck her ideas up.

Twentyninedays Sun 02-Aug-15 19:15:43

I agree no money until she does the garden. Also I would link pocket money to regular tasks in future. Don't whip yourself about your past approach- it won't help you.

The one thing I would do differently is the grounding. Basically she is creating the drama and I think you should resist an escalation, or allowing her to create a bigger drama. This is not your problem- it is her problem. The issue here is money = help.

Stay calm, relaxed and focused. Let her tantrum and walk away. And definitely withdraw all cash until she agrees to sort herself out and do the jobs.

DelphiniumBlue Sun 02-Aug-15 19:23:27

No money apart from £20 every Monday? Why are you giving her that much? Or at all, if you've said you're not going to give her money.
There's no incentive for her to do chores if you give her cash regardless.

BackforGood Sun 02-Aug-15 19:27:00

Have to agree with everyone else.
I don't understand why you are giving her so much money anyway confused.
My teens get less per month than you are giving your dd per week even before you add on extras.
They then have both got jobs to earn more.
You've made it more difficult by not teaching her previously that no means no, but that's what you need to do now, if you want it to change.

Misslgl88 Mon 03-Aug-15 10:29:16

I agree with everyone else surely your DD should be doing chores for money? I had to as a teen I helped with the housework and so got a set amount a month, no housework no money, I also had a pt job for a bit extra from 13. I'll be taking this same stance with my DC and DD nearly 7 already has a job list that she does for pocket money. My other 2 are toddlers still but will have to help as they get older too

BettyCatKitten Mon 03-Aug-15 10:30:13

Tell her to get a job!!
Jesus both my teens earnt there own money at 16. Say the bank of mum and dad is officially closed.

TheHormonalHooker Mon 03-Aug-15 10:39:37

Why do you keep giving her money? She sits on her arse while you wait on her hand, foot and finger! No wonder she doesn't do anything.

My 2 teenagers got jobs at 16. They wanted expensive trainers, t-shirts and the like and we weren't prepared to keep funding the lifestyle they thought they should have.

DS2(18) has had a P/T NMW job that he's meant to work 8 hours a week. Whenever he's had school holidays or free time, he's volunteered to work extra hours. He saved and bought his own car last Sept. (We insure it because we did it for DS1). He's been saving hard all year, and since finishing his A levels been working most days. He's got well over £2k saved atm.

nonameatall01 Mon 03-Aug-15 12:54:27

Hello All thank you for all your responses. When I started reading them yesterday I thought they were very harsh. I was going to post something to that effect. But I know really that they are very accurate, and that is what has made them hard reading.

So - dh and I are sticking to our plan. I am still happy to give dd £20 a week. Anything more she needs to earn (believe me £20 won't last her long). I haven't spoken to her since she left yesterday, she came home at 10 30 pm and I was in bed (awake waiting for her but in bed). She has texted me to say that she is doing the gardening today only.

She does need to get a paid job I agree. She does have a good work ethic when it comes down to what benefits her - works very hard at school, volunteers at a hospital etc. But she is treating dh and I as though we are her servants and this has to stop now. I feel very sad that we have contributed to this.

I am not going to ground her. I want the next few days to be about her coming to terms with being a decent family member and frankly grounding her won't help. It will become all about her not being allowed out, not about her having to contribute to the family.

So thank you again, wish me luck please I think I am going to need it.

mrsdavidbowie Mon 03-Aug-15 12:58:50

Well I think you're mad to still give her £80 a month.
Have you .mug tattooed on your forehead,???

BettyCatKitten Mon 03-Aug-15 12:59:17

Good luck op wine
She'll probably kick off to start with, as you're trying to set boundaries, things generally get worse before they get better. But it will improve with time, plus have a conversation with her about the freedom financial independence will give her smile

chippednailvarnish Mon 03-Aug-15 13:25:34

I want the next few days to be about her coming to terms with being a decent family member

I suspect what you want and what you're going to get are two very different things. So basically you're exactly where you started but for a bit of gardening...

specialsubject Mon 03-Aug-15 17:28:12

assuming you feed her and pay the household bills, she doesn't NEED any money.

so stop giving any to her. You've created an entitled monster and it won't change until she has some consequences.

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