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17 yo DD whose 'friend' is pressuring her to have sex with him

(17 Posts)
OrlandoTheMarmaladeCat Mon 27-Jul-15 13:09:28

First a confession - I only know about this because DD left her FB chat page open on my PC so I read the conversation between them. I am not proud of myself but I cannot now unread it and I could do with some advice please.

They are not going out but they have been part of the same large group of friends at secondary school. He is putting pressure on DD to have "no strings" sex and is encouraging her to sneak out or to let him in if he sneaks in.

DD has not had a boyfriend - she is a little bit shy as well as very sporty and didn't ever feel like she fitted in at school. She has a pretty active life with her sports and is very much looking forward to sixth form college and making new friends.

She hasn't told me about the conversation. In the FB chat, she seems to be wavering between saying yes and coming up with excuses. He is pretty insistent and keeps contacting her.

I should trust her to make the right decision but is there anything else I could do? I just hate the thought of her feeling pressurised into sex with some boy who she doesn't even love.

OrlandoTheMarmaladeCat Mon 27-Jul-15 13:11:02

She's 16 not 17. God knows why I typed that!

Needaninsight Mon 27-Jul-15 13:12:06

I wouldn't let on that you've seen it, but I would have a conversation maybe about 'you' at 16 and how it's good to have your own mind..don't do things just cos other people do etc etc etc

aginghippy Mon 27-Jul-15 13:23:52

Yes have a chat in a general way about self respect, sexual boundaries, knowing your own mind. IMO someone who tries to pressurise someone else into having sex with him does not respect her and is not a true friend.

My dd is the same age. My usual ploy is to say I was reading a thread on Mumsnet about someone ... wink

thetroubleis Mon 27-Jul-15 13:27:57

Aginghippy is right, but in my head I would use her Facebook to arrange a meeting and turn up in her place and give him a good telling off. Or if print them off, redact DDs name and send them to his mum. You must be anxious about it.

ImperialBlether Mon 27-Jul-15 13:30:08

Tbh if I'd seen that I would have asked my daughter about it because I would hate the pressure coming from him and would want to help give her coping skills.

Cocolepew Mon 27-Jul-15 13:36:08

Do you think she left it open for you to see it?
I would admit to seeing it myself and speak to her about.

cuntycowfacemonkey Mon 27-Jul-15 13:42:03

I think sometimes we just have to step in even if it means admitting we've read their stuff. Tell her she's not in trouble, you're sorry you read it and then have a chat to her about this sodding lad! Well done for not marching round there and ripping his head off!

Is it possible they have already slept together once before and now he'd like to keep things going?

OrlandoTheMarmaladeCat Mon 27-Jul-15 13:50:43

You're all lovely, thank you smile

I have thought about heading down the lane as I know exactly where he lives but that might cause more trouble!

I don't think she left it open on purpose, although it could be a possibility.

I think she is genuinely torn. She's mature enough to know that she really doesn't need to be doing this, but at the same time, she'd quite like to 'fit in' and I use the term loosely. She has minded being on the outside of the perceived 'cool' kids at school and I think she might view this as a chance to be like them. This is, however, all conjecture as I obviously haven't spoken to her about it.

We are very close - we spend a huge amount of time together due to her sporting activities - and I think I will take the opportunity to have a chat to her about it and 'fess up to having read it.

I won't mention it to DH as he will take an alternative approach which will involve either locking up DD or marching down the lane, or both. Neither of which will help much I feel.

Thank you - I feel less panic stricken than I did this morning. And the fact that none of you have berated me for reading her conversation makes me feel slightly less guilty.

ImperialBlether Mon 27-Jul-15 13:53:37

Was he seriously suggesting that she lose her virginity to him when he creeps into the house in the middle of the night?

He sounds as though his boundaries are completely skewed. Your daughter needs to know this isn't normal behaviour.

OrlandoTheMarmaladeCat Mon 27-Jul-15 14:02:10

Yes he was sad I can't tell if that is normal laddish behaviour, bravado or something else. Is this what the over-sexualisation of teenagers means in practice? That it is something matter-of-fact, that you don't have to be in a relationship, that you can pester people? I don't know his family or upbringing at all so have no idea of the context.

If I ever caught DS, who is nearly 19, behaving like this, I would be utterly horrified. But then, how would I know unless someone told me?

But then I remember in my teens there were always boys who got a bit leery having had too much to drink. Is this the same? It just seems more insidious because of the intimacy of the technology.

aginghippy Mon 27-Jul-15 14:24:48

I agree with Imperial, it sounds like his boundaries are skewed.

It's only 'normal' behaviour for boys who don't regard girls/women as full human beings, only as sex objects. Sadly, there are a lot of men and boys who think this way. It's nothing new.

ImperialBlether Mon 27-Jul-15 14:27:30

Being stone cold sober and sending a girl that he knows is inexperienced messages saying "Let me into your house without anyone knowing so we can have sex" is really horrible.

She's not his girlfriend and it seems he doesn't want her to be. He wants to use her for sex. You do need to get involved here - she's only 16 and could easily make the wrong decision.

OrlandoTheMarmaladeCat Mon 27-Jul-15 14:35:49

I will be talking to her this afternoon as I am keen to put a stop to this before it gets any further out of hand.

Thank you for your advice smile

BertieBotts Mon 27-Jul-15 14:37:56

No. This is not a normal expectation of his, today's teenagers aren't that bad. Or at least they weren't 7-8 years ago when I was one. Dick pics, yes, but not this kind of thing. I think your idea that some boys are a bit leery, and the technology is allowing this to creep into your DD's home is spot on. It might be mostly talk and he isn't expecting her to say yes, but don't wait around to find out if she does!

Binit Mon 27-Jul-15 15:33:56

Good luck op. I think it's fine to confess to reading a page that was left open. You didn't go snooping, you read it out of concern for her.

This boy sounds horrible. When I was a teen, a boy who was not my boyfriend asked me to sleep with him just for fun. He was a friend, I said no thanks, he respected that, he's still a friend.

MooJay Mon 27-Jul-15 15:42:12

I'll bet she'll be relieved that you've seen it as it opens it up for her to talk about with you.
This boy sounds like a funny piece of work hmm

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