Daughter going to uni - room dilemma

[nerfqueen]

My 18 yr old daughter is due to start uni this September.

We live in a 3 bedroom house and currently the bedroom arrangements are as follows: Me and my ds (4 yrs) co sleep in one room, 18 yr old dd has one room, 14 yr old dd has other room and OH sleeps on the sofa bed in the living room.

Daughters have always been very adamant about never wanting to share and as son co sleeps it has never been much of an issue. However, once dd1 leaves for uni her bedroom will effectively be unused for 2/3 of the yr.

So we are having a swap round, ds will move into14yr old dd2 room, dd2 will move into dd1 room and oh will move back into the main bedroom. The sofa bed will be got rid of.

When dd1 is back from uni on holiday I have got a pull out single sofa bed which will be stored under my 14 yr olds high sleeper when shes not there. They are not happy about sharing but have accepted it (sort of).

The dilemma is what to do with dd1 stuff. She will be taking a certain amount to uni, but things like books and dvds (she has a lot) etc will remain at home. Ive got boxes for them to be packed into and a cupboard to store them in, but I think she feels she is losing her 'space' and that im trying to get rid of her. Which obvs im not but practicality says that we should use her room as she wont be there for 2/3 of the yr anyway.

Anyone else had this dilemma?

[Sparklingbrook]

I think at 18 she should be able to see the bigger picture WRT being practical. Has she said anything?

[Binit]

I think you need to make it clear to her that there is a child without a room and an adult on a sofa bed and this is why you need to use the space in her bedroom. Does she really think that her room should remain empty whilst ds and oh have no bedroom?

In any case, could you instead leave the 14yo where she is, leave most of the 18yos stuff where it is in her room and out a toddler bed in there for the 4yo? I don't get why the 14yo needs to be moved?

[ecuse]

I would make her choose some of her favourite bits and transfer them to her sister's room (making the the 14yo get rid of or box up some of her stuff to make space too) so that it feels like she has some stake in it, she's not just camping in someone else's room.

But really she just needs to suck it up and thank her lucky stars - I can't believe your DH has spent 4 years sleeping in the lounge because they didn't want to share!

[FishWithABicycle]

It's fair and reasonable not to keep a room empty for her, but the room she shares needs to feel like it's at least 1/3rd hers if not half - there should be at least a chest of drawers and/or cupboard for her stuff, some of the shelf space and some wall space that your younger DD isn't allowed to fill.

When she is back for the holidays she may also need somewhere quiet for academic work, depending how rigorous her course is. On my course we were expected to spend about 10hrs per week on vacation coursework.

[NoahVale]

You realise that she will be home a lot, the holidays are long, longer than school holidays, AFAIK

[mrsmeerkat]

I think you have been way too soft so far.

I don't understand it at all. 4 year old could have a little room of his own and daughters share. Get some kallax and keep her stuff.

[FishWithABicycle]

Typical uni terms are 30 weeks a year, whereas schools are usually 39 weeks.

22 weeks a year of camping in a room that feels like someone else's doesn't sound great.

[snala]

I don't understand, why aren't the girls sharing a room and ds in the smallest room?

[CycleChic]

Why can't 18yo share with the 4yo, then the 14yo needn't be moved.

[TheHormonalHooker]

It's absolutely fine to have your 2 girls share, but it's not fine to make one feel like she's on a sleepover when she's at home!

I would be making the room a 50/50 space between the girls. She will still be living with you, just away at uni. She should have more than a camp bed and a few storage boxes IMO.

[CycleChic]

I do understand how she feels like she's being pushed out, though. and how she might not understand why she's loosing her private space the minute she goes to Uni.
I don't really get why they weren't told to share 4 years ago but it's not my family.

[nagynolonger]

It's perfectly acceptable for two teens of the same sex to share a room. The older DD will have somewhere to sleep and somewhere to store her things. Lots of families manage things in the same way all year round.

True she won't be able to have friends/partner stay over in the room but that's just the way it is. The rest of the family can't put their lives on hold until DD1 or DD2 leave home.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

mrsmeerkat Mon 27-Jul-15 09:48:40

^^ This.

Friends/partner. Feck that - she can get a job and pay for a hotel or they can sleep on the sofa.

[SuburbanRhonda]

You sound lovely, dreams

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Sorry if I offended with my brevity or use of the word "feck" I'm genuinely flabbergasted that anyone would suggest that the current arrangements continue so that a university student could have overnight guests occasionally when home for the holidays.

Also genuinely amazed at the current arrangements but perhaps there are other valid reasons why a student sitting A levels would be prioritised within the family home. Once out of the house for significant periods though then something has to give.

[ProudAS]

Keep the sofa bed - at least guests will then have somewhere to sleep.

[RiverTam]

daughters have always been adamant about not sharing. But they're happy to see their brother without a room and their father sleeping on the sofabed for years. Sorry, but they sound like a right spoilt little pair of madams. Well, no time like the present for them both to get a metaphorical slap around the chops.

[swimmerforlife]

Oh this is ridiculous, tell her to suck it up or she knows where the door is. Any half decent person will know that it is not practical or fair on the person who is sleeping on a sofa so she can come back and have her own room for 2 months of the year.

Re the stuff, this is a great time to have a clear out, it's unlikely that she'll move back in after Uni, so get rid of anything that she isn't likely to use again or taking to Halls bar a few childhood mementos etc. Really not much point in wasting space on the off chance that she might use it again.

[Scoobydoo494]

I think you're being very hard on your dd. She is going away to uni not leaving home. this is her home, her security blanket and just because she's going away to study doesn't mean she should be without a room in the place that is still her home! I would personally move the four year old into a part of the 18 year olds room and allow them to share when he is home. Alternatively can you convert a downstairs room into a little bedroom? I completely understand why she feels left out!

[Haffdonga]

Impertinent question - why aren't you sharing with your dp?

Solution 1: Ds moves into dd1's room in term time and back into your room in the hols (in a small bed rather than co-sleeping, so dp can stay too).

Solution 2: Dd1 (and her stuff) moves into dd2's room so they are sharing during the hols but dd2 has her own space term time.

Solution 3: Your solution - musical rooms, everybody moves round and when the music stops dd1 (and her stuff) has nowhere to go.

Why not ask dd1 which she prefers?

[BeautifulBatman]

I can't get past OH on the sofa bed

[yearofthegoat]

RiverTam I could be way off the mark here but I'm guessing that the OH isn't their father. OP is there resentment of a SF and 4YO muddying the waters here?

[Sapat]

This reminds me of the time my brother stayed at his girlfriend's when they were teenagers. The mum was so adamant they should not sleep together that he was made to share a room with the middle sister who was 18 months younger :/

This is too complicated. One room has to have decent bunk beds or a bed with a trundle with legs which can be dropped to make a proper bed. Then come holidays, either the sisters share, or the two youngest share. The arrangements can be flexible as suiting the length of the stay. I would keep the sofa bed.

Then a decluttering exercise for everyone must take place. Of course the student is not leaving home, but she doesn't need as many childhood things and she will need to have space for new possessions.

One thing is for sure, DS needs his own bed and DH needs to get his back. A room cannot be kept empty as a shrine.

When I left for uni my room became the guest room and that was fine by me.

[SavoyCabbage]

The 14 year old moving rooms is pointless. She's already got a room.

I'd move the four year old in to that room and store some of her things that dd1 is not taking in there. At least then she is coming back to the same room.