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DD16 is on the pill! Didnt even know she had a boyfriend!

(18 Posts)
Tumbledryer Wed 22-Jul-15 08:57:49

DD is very secretive and tells me next to nothing. I discovered this by accident (I truly was not snooping). At first she denied it was hers but then admitted that she has been seeing this boy (18) for two months! I knew nothing about it so she has obviously been lying - or being very selective with the truth - about where she has been. I just assumed she was out with her friends coz thats what she told me. I suppose I should be pleased that she has had the sense to take precautions. I dont know if she has actually had sex or is planning to as she wont discuss it with me but I am a little bit shocked by it all as it is quite out of the blue and I suppose I am a bit old fashioned and I've never even met the boy, although I do know who he is and DS knows him. She wont bring him round, even though he wants to meet us, as I am too interfering and embarassing!

She made me promise not to tell DH about any of it but I feel torn about what to do. If I tell him and she finds out then she will never trust me and definitely will not tell me anything ever again. But then again I feel bad for keeping this from him. Either way I feel like shit and I dont know what to do. I probably am going to have to keep it to myself.

We had the most horrendous row with DD last night going on till 2.30 am (not about this however). DH and DS were involved too although they didnt know any of the above and DD was screaming and throwing things and threatening to leave the house. She launched herself at DS as he was defending me and I had to physically get in between them to keep them apart. She really is the most selfish, uncaring person I know but not too different from some other teens as I have been reading on MN.

So I've been up all night and could use some kindly advice.

NerrSnerr Wed 22-Jul-15 09:05:47

If she doesn't want to discuss it then that's her choice and you need to respect that. She's 16 so doing nothing wrong.

springlamb Wed 22-Jul-15 09:12:17

I think you have more problems than your 16 yr old daughter being on the contraceptive pill. You had a massive argument until the early hours of the morning, involving every family member, and ending in physical violence. Going by what you say about your ds, I take it he is a mid/late teen too. So 4 young adults/adults are rollicking around screeching at each other and resorting to fisticuffs.
I'd forget the pill and the boyfriend but sit them around the table tonight and simply say 'what happened last night CANNOT happen again. We need to renegotiate how we all live together, or we cannot'.

purits Wed 22-Jul-15 09:13:45

You've spent 16 years protecting her from harm.
It's very difficult to change mind-set, to allow her to put herself in harm's way.
But you'll get used to it.
You won't like it while you transition, but the pair of you will get there.

SwearyGodmother Wed 22-Jul-15 09:14:21

How would your DH react to you telling him?

She may be secretive about the boy because she is embarrassed and doesn't want to be teased/questioned? I remember when I was 16 getting caught out in a lie when I went on a date because I'd said I was out with friends. I lied because I didn't want my parents to know I'd met a boy and to give the 20 questions and insist on meeting him before I had got to know him. I still remember the bollocking I got for it and the complete lack of understanding of why I had lied (immaturity, obviously, but it was perfectly reasonable to my teenage mind) and the horrible teasing from parents and siblings that I had a boyfriend, which cemented to me it was none of their business and I was right to not tell them.

I also put myself on the pill, which my mum found out about and when she told my dad he sat me down gave me a 1950s lecture on morals and called me a slut. I will never forget him doing that, and suggest if your DH is going to do the same not to tell him. In hindsight I see that it was very hard for my father to watch his daughters become women but he was so unpleasant when dealing with his feelings that I truly disliked him for years for it.

In your position (no DC so may be talking out of my arse) I'd not tell DH, but I appreciate that's to do with my baggage, but I would try to talk to DD about there being nothing wrong in having a boyfriend or having sex and that at some point you should meet the BF but allow her some time to effect this. Also ask her to tell you when she's on a date as the lying isn't necessary, there's no judgment.

As for the row/physical violence to your DS last night - what a madam! I'd come down on her like a tonne of bricks for that (not sure how) and make it clear that behaviour like that is unacceptable in your home.

Remember in her head she'll have been entirely reasonable in her motivations and if you allow her some space with that you may well come through slightly less scathed than otherwise.

Chin up, you sound like you are a lovely mum and you're trying to navigate this well.

Tumbledryer Wed 22-Jul-15 09:37:15

Thanks for the quick replies. We did resolve things, kind of, quite calmly in the end last night and agreed that his cannot happen again and we have got to try and live together peacefully. By the way she was the only one screeching and hitting. DS18 has seen how upset she has made me in the past and just told her that he thinks its unacceptable. He would never hit her. DH was calm throughout it all.

DD does think she will be teased by DH for having a boyfriend but it is really not the case and I've told her this. He is a bit of a joker but he would never intentionally embarass her. As for the contraception thing, he also wouldnt lecture her I'm sure but I think she would die of embarassment if her dad knew she was having sex.

I know she's 16 and is not doing anything wrong but she thinks she is so mature and I want to protect her but she wont listen to anything she does not want to hear. Its hard letting them grow up.

specialsubject Wed 22-Jul-15 11:58:06

one or two home truths for her:

a good marriage is a partnership with no secrets about the children. She needs to accept that you will tell your husband.

sex at 16 - her call. Remind her that a condom is also a good idea because she doesn't know where she's been. She also needs to remember that adult games mean adult responsibilities; pill remembered, understanding of what may affect it, etc.

the horrific late night tantrum is not to be repeated and needs apologies and consequences. Any more violence and you call the cops. Follow through on that - it is domestic violence.

she wants respect - she can bloody well give some. Not all teenagers are like this and being a teenager is no excuse.

Backforthis Wed 22-Jul-15 12:01:36

'a good marriage is a partnership with no secrets about the children. She needs to accept that you will tell your husband'

Rubbish.

Chocoholicmonster Thu 23-Jul-15 17:40:45

She's the legal age of consent & therefore it's her choice. She doesn't actually have to tell you anything about her personal / sexual life if she chooses not to - & you'll just have to accept that. I'd be pleased that at 16 she's been sensible enough to go to the Drs herself & get the pill - many young teenagers wouldn't of been so wise.

Mrsjayy Thu 23-Jul-15 17:45:34

My eldest dd was like this drove me bonkers i used to want 1 of those mother and daughter relationships where we spoke about everything anyway she went on the pill at 16 i was a bit gutted she hadnt said, my friend said least she is being sensible and respinsible

Janethegirl Thu 23-Jul-15 17:50:18

Very responsible to get the pill at 16. Totally legal and shows common sense. Agree with pp re the use of condoms too.

Chiefsquawtbt Thu 23-Jul-15 17:56:31

I sympathise massively but agree with Chocoholic that she's sensible enough to put herself on the pil. My eldest DD also 16 put herself on the pill at 15 after discussion with me which was very hard. I'm grateful that she's only had sex in relationships and not just with 'randoms' at parties like a lot of girls she knows..... I wouldn't tell your DH I think there are some things Dads don't need to know as far as daughters are concerned.

Tumbledryer Fri 24-Jul-15 10:13:37

I too would just love a relationship where we were close and talked about everything but tbh that's never going to happen. Its sad and very upsetting the way things are with us but I have to toughen up just get on with things. I will always be there for her if she needs me and I've told her that but that's not registering with her.

Mrsjayy Fri 24-Jul-15 10:22:28

My dd is an adult now we get on great and are really close go for lunch and what not dont be sad and dont give up hope give her space she will come back to you flowers

Tumbledryer Fri 24-Jul-15 17:58:22

I just don't know what to do right now as I haven't got anybody to talk about it with (promised not to tell) so here I am again. I am trying to give dd space and not hassle her but I have questions about the boy and also the birth control. Do I just leave her be? If I start "interfering" again I am afraid I will push her further away. We are being polite to each other and I am being as pleasant as possible but its hard.

rogueantimatter Tue 28-Jul-15 17:33:12

Mrsjayy is right. smile Similar story with my older teenage DD too. IME 15-16 is the most difficult age.

I wouldn't tell your DH either. What good would it do? She deserves to have her desire for privacy respected.

It must have been a huge shock for you though. I sympathise.

bigTillyMint Wed 29-Jul-15 09:42:26

OP, it is really hard with a teenage DD, and some find it harder than others. Teenage tantrums are awful - you have my sympathies. And this must have been quite a shock. But surely it is better that she has got herself onto the pill than risking pregnancy? Ideally they would be using condoms too, obviously.

I think I would hold back from discussing it with your DH if he is likely to go off the deep end, and try to step back a bit whilst reassuring her that you are there to help/support if she needs it.

DayLillie Wed 29-Jul-15 09:58:15

I too would hold off telling OH for the moment and work on reassurance as Tilly says.

In the light of her meltdown and tantrums, I would not assume that life with the boyfriend is as good as she expects/thinks/is trying to make it, and work on making a calm adult home life, even if it is just having a family meal regularly. She needs to work out if he is not ok, without the dramas to distract her (that she is making).

If your OH can be trusted not to go off the deep end and work with you, and not let on, then do discuss it with him. It is better to work together.

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