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let her go to the party?

(18 Posts)
PennyNewton Tue 21-Jul-15 15:35:54

help help help, im desperate for advise. Tomorrow, we as a family go away camping in Norfolk. me, hubby, 13 year old boy and my 17 year old daughter. shes not done terribly well this year at college, doesnt seem to be interested in getting a p/t job, etc. But on the other hand, shes not a bad kid, just a teenager! Our holiday clashes with 3 of her best friends birthday party. Do i let her come home from norfolk to go to this "important" party? my hubby seems to say no as she should not be rewarded for not trying in life. I just want an easy life. Im so stressed out, we are supposed to leave tomorrow for holiday. my daughter is devastated.

Biscetti Tue 21-Jul-15 15:41:16

Oh gosh I would let her go. Trust me, the holiday will be agony with a v pissed off teenager! 17 year olds can be awkward buggers (and equally, can be awesome). Last year my then 17 yo DS had a crappy year, and has pretty much turned it around this year. I've always followed the line that it's their life, their fuck ups and their responsibility to sort it the fuck out, with a clear message that we're not bailing them out once they're 18. It's worked.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocolatespiders Tue 21-Jul-15 15:47:42

Absolutely let her go otherwise your school summer hols could be painful.

PennyNewton Tue 21-Jul-15 15:48:38

Thank you guys, I just needed to here it from like minded parents. I feel so much calmer now you (both complete strangers to me) have answered my problem. I was SO stressed. I just have to convince my hubby now to let her go. Wish me luck!

caravanista13 Tue 21-Jul-15 15:48:57

Unless you were clear that lack of effort would lead to this consequence then of course you should let her go. She's nearly an adult and really too old to be punished like this.

DurhamDurham Tue 21-Jul-15 15:50:17

I'd let her go to the party, it might not seem important to you or your husband but it might be very important for your daughter. Our oldest daughter joined us on holiday half way through the week when she was 17 as she had things planned. I was just grateful that she wanted to come on holiday with us at all smile

MoreBeta Tue 21-Jul-15 15:51:16

No you should not let her go.

My DS1 wanted to go to a very late night party (back at 1 am) just the day before our family holiday and we said no. It is just a matter of saying to your DD and asking her to please respect your family time together and ask her to explain to her friends the circumstances.

My DS1 also has not done well at school this year either. He is age 15 and coming up to GCSE year so very similar circumstances to your DD.

I told DS that true friends would not mind at all and would understand. Its the fear that teens have of telling friends they cant come to a party rather than missing the actual party itself. DS calmed down once I explained that to him.

Parties are currently a flash point with DS1 but frankly they are ten a penny and miles away from our house every time they happen. Many parents I know say no to quite a few parties that their teens want to go to.

They can become expensive and dominating.

Biscetti Tue 21-Jul-15 15:51:18

Been there, done it (3 times thus far, with more to come) and can guarantee that the mood of a 17 year old knows no bounds, especially when it's a massive punishment, because that IS how she will see it, for a minimal 'crime'.

TheBakeryQueen Tue 21-Jul-15 16:48:36

Definitely let her go if that's what she wants to do.

JustDanceAddict Tue 21-Jul-15 20:22:45

I would let her go if she can organise her own travel arrangements.

cdtaylornats Tue 21-Jul-15 21:43:12

If you said no how do you intend to force her to go with you. You can hardly drag her to the car. You would also spend the entire holiday watching her in case she left.

AtiaoftheJulii Wed 22-Jul-15 07:29:55

Your dh's argument makes it sound like a family holiday is a punishment, which I'm sure isn't what he wants!

If she can get herself home, then yes, I'd let her go.

BertrandRussell Wed 22-Jul-15 20:40:18

"No you should not let her go.

My DS1 wanted to go to a very late night party (back at 1 am) just the day before our family holiday and we said no. It is just a matter of saying to your DD and asking her to please respect your family time together and ask her to explain to her friends the circumstances."

Good Lord- what a very strange attitude! Why couldn't he go to the party then go on holiday? Why can't the OP's daughter "respect family time" but still dash off for a party and come back?

FortyCoats Wed 22-Jul-15 20:44:24

I'd let her go.

She's also 17 not 15 and a two year age gap at that age is significant.

mathanxiety Thu 23-Jul-15 06:35:13

If you did not tell her a few months ago that there were to be consequences for not doing very well in college and not getting a pt job you can't spring them on her now.

I would understand if the motivation was that you really valued time together as a family, but at 17 even that would have to be tempered by realisation that she is spreading her wings. I would look for a compromise and make the best of it, tbh.

Spidermama Thu 23-Jul-15 17:18:09

definitely let her go for everybody's sake.

BackforGood Fri 24-Jul-15 00:14:48

For me, it would depend on the detail.

Would I let her stay home on her own for a week we were away ? - No
Would I expect the whole family to come back a day early so she can make the party ? - possibly, if camping...might also make travel easier if not on a Saturday
Would I let her make her own way home ? - depends on how difficult the journey is, and how she was suggesting she funds it
Would I let her come home and then be on her own for 3 or 4 days? - would depend on the 17 yr old...dc1, I wouldn't, dc2 I would, dc3 probably not

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