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15 y dd ran away 4 wks ago- no ones helping!!!

(11 Posts)
Lea3283 Fri 17-Jul-15 22:06:17

Sorry this is a long one, any advice please. My dd is 15- 16 end of the mth. She was lovely until she met her bf bck in jan. We have had a nightmare of a yr with her. She always wore nice clothes and always made herself look good. since shes been with him shes now wearing black hoodys, just black, listening to that sreaming music, She started self harming becoz he does, he controls her, hes possesive, she has come home with a briuse on her cheak- she doesnt know how she got it. Hes cheated, she hasnt got many friends left, he gets angry and punches walls near her face- all sorts have gone on and she cant see hes no good- hes the love of her life! any way 4 wks ago she went mental at her dad calling him awful names, he then went to take her phone away as punishment and she attacked him- bite, punched and kicked him- wished him dead everything. He threatened to phone the police and she ran off to his house! i txt her to come home etc and she refused saying that his family love her more and shes never coming home. I left it hoping she would see sense but no- instead his sister rang social services and a wk later we had the visit with all our kids present as social wanted to see them aswel. We told them evrything that had gone on and they told us dd had phoned the police that nigt and made a statement saying that her dad had grabbed her by the throat- couldnt believe the lie. but then she dropped it. It turns out that shes not at bfs house but at his sisters. I mentioned that I think her bf is being abusive towards her and social agreed as all the signs were there. It took them a wk to get hold of her and visit her and now social services are not giving me an address where she is. They want me to meet up with dd with a social worker present. I've tried all wk ringing the social worker to arrange an appointment to see my dd. Today I had enough and rang the non emergency police to see if they could find her and bring her home but all they said was its down to social services! If social services feel like her environment is unsuitable then thats when they inform the police to get her! I feel like im hittin my head against a wall. All my friends and family are shocked at how she has changed.we are so worried about her, found out over the wkend that shes been out with his mum and sis drinking! shes still refusig to come home. shes even been sacked from her paper round for not showing up- even her boss has been worried about her as hes seen her change this past year. She did show up one day last week but he said she looked a mess- unclean etc. I just dont know what to do and feel let down by the services. I feel that I havent got any parent rights at all. I feel that they social services dont care and have plonked her file on the bottom! we just want her home sad anyone else been through this - I feel as thou im the only one sad x

peppajay Fri 17-Jul-15 22:14:11

What an awful situation I have no advice but couldn't just read and run. My daughter is 9 And very headstrong and wonder what she will be like as a teenager!! i hope you get to see her again soon. Big hugs ((((())

Finallyonboard Fri 17-Jul-15 22:16:16

Look up harbourers warning - is she at risk? If so, this can be used!

Finallyonboard Fri 17-Jul-15 22:17:33

westyorkscb.proceduresonline.com/chapters/pr_invest_harb.html

Lea3283 Fri 17-Jul-15 22:27:22

I've looked into haboring notice but I don't think it will happen- police are not interested. as for the environment shes in, im unsure as I have never met the family. It seems to me as though dd and his sis have told social services what they want to hear that shes safe etc. but to me she aint safe until shes home.
Thanks peppejay, i hope so to. i never thought my dd would end up like this. I have 4 dds and i hope the rest dont do this. I tto hope u dont go through this, i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. xx

Betrayedbutsurvived Fri 17-Jul-15 22:33:05

Right, your daughter was me 30 years ago. Here's my advice, and you won't like it!

Back off! Tell her, directly if you can, or on the grapevine if necessary, that your door is always open, and you will not judge her for what she has done.

do not underestimate the depth of her feelings for her bf, but equally, do not underestimate how quickly that WILL change.

plaster smile onyour face, invite the bf round. Be super nice to him. Buy them a house warming present even. Make sure that when it all goes tits up, and it will, that you are shocked, and horrified, but you will of course, support your daughter whatever.

Id have gone back within three months if I could have done so without losing face.

Hellionsitem2 Fri 17-Jul-15 22:39:28

Have you tried writing to her? Maybe write/text/email the same message to her so that she's certain to get it. Tell her you are so sorry things have been hard going recently and that you love her so deeply. And also accept her for who she is and want to support her more then you have been doing recently. Say also that you think she's brilliant young woman and that you have been very lucky to have had such a wonderful daughter. And you miss her and can't stop thinking about her. You want you all to move forward and learn from the recent upset.

Giving her the cold shoulder won't help your relationship.

Why on earth is wearing black hoodies a problem? Why is listening to screaming music a problem? Are you very judgemental OP? It's normal for teens to try out different images. Is she pushing against your control/rules now because you are actually too controlling? Are you giving her a reason to rebel? She's rebelling against something

Lea3283 Fri 17-Jul-15 22:49:50

I could do the plaster on a smile but no chance of inviting the bf around for tea, ds will probably smash his face in! I know when I finally get to see her...(she'll prob be 30 by the time social services get bck to me!) I know to give all the arms open, cuddles etc. I hate her bf but havent told her how much i hate him. When he cheated on her, we were the happiest parents going- felt so sorry for her, shoulder to cry on etc then after a few days he wiggled his way bck and i told her he cant be trusted- thats when she snapped at me saying I need to stop controlling her life and let her make her own mistakes as tht is the only way she will learn! so stood back let her make her own choices. now its just escalated. hopefully they wont be together forever for a house warming present! Its just horrible to watch your daughter change overnight- heart breaking to watch sad

Lea3283 Fri 17-Jul-15 23:00:09

yep ive done all that, the txts, long essays etc, come home etc. It not the black thats the problem Its just that last year she was wearing make up, girly clothes, colourful etc but since shes met the bf all what she used to be has gone. her taste in music every thing that she is now is nothing like she was before the bf came along. No I am not judgemental and she has never rebelled before. We were never too strict on her, she was always a good girl, a laugh, happy, Me and dd had the closest bond. I had her when i was 16 so most of the time we were like sisters- messing, pranking around.

Hellionsitem2 Fri 17-Jul-15 23:20:36

She could probably sense how you felt about the boyfriend. Possibly you drove her into his arms? You just need to accept and not judge her boyfriend. Yes he sounds bloody awful but she needs to make her own choices in life, even if sometimes they seem wrong to you. So for the sake of your relationship with your DD, accept the boyfriend! Do not judge the boyfriend. Respect her freedom to make her own choices. Trust she will eventually make good decisions - although they won't always be the decisions you'd make in her shoes.

I had some awful boyfriends as a kid but my parents said nothing. They were short term relationships as without pressure, I made my own mind up about them.

Can you ask to meet up with your DD and her partner. Go bowling or whatever and try to get to know him a bit. Find things you like about him.

At the moment she feels like she has to choose - you or him. Don't make her choose.

It really doesn't matter that she looks different and listens to different music these days. It's normal for a teen to try different images.

Lea3283 Sat 18-Jul-15 09:21:10

thanks, advice taken. Just need to work out when we will meet! i know she doesn't want to meet unless a social worker is present, so just going to have to ring social servives every day next week and wait. I did say to the social worker what happens when I do meet up with and she still refuses to come home- social worker replied with well at least you tried! Just have to wait and see

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