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Do you keep your teen's secrets from your dp?

(27 Posts)
Haffdonga Sun 12-Jul-15 23:00:45

Recent secrets I've been asked to keep and not told dh (their dad) include health fears (GP sorted) and love life dramas.

A secret dh has been asked to keep (but told me anyway) is the purchase of an Xbox game I've banned that is played while I'm out. hmm

So I'm torn. I would be gutted if dh hid our dc's health concerns or emotional turmoil from me. But at the same time I want my teens to trust me to be able to tell me their stuff and not tell their dad. Double standards, no?

So what's your line on this? Do you tell your co-parent what's going on in their lives in confidence or keep mum?

Sparklingbrook Sun 12-Jul-15 23:07:57

I tell DH but he is sometimes a bit hmm about it. It's usually quite mundane stuff. i know they have told DH stuff and told him not to tell me though.

EatShitDerek Sun 12-Jul-15 23:10:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haffdonga Sun 12-Jul-15 23:12:33

So, Sparkling does your dh trump your dc in terms of secret sharing for your family?

Sparklingbrook Sun 12-Jul-15 23:14:38

Well DH does tell me some of the stuff but tells me they asked him not to. But again, nothing world shattering AFAIK.

I can imagine DH saying things like 'FGS don't tell your Mum' because I get anxious about things.

SanityClause Sun 12-Jul-15 23:14:42

I do.

If my DC want to confide in DH, that is their prerogative. If they want to confide in me, it is my responsibility to keep that confidence.

Haffdonga Sun 12-Jul-15 23:15:13

DS came to me with an embarrassing health worry and asked me not to tell dh. I was really torn on whether to share with dh.

RJnomore Sun 12-Jul-15 23:16:30

It really depends on what it is tbh.

SanityClause Sun 12-Jul-15 23:17:32

Don't.

I once told my DM I had thrush. That was pretty embarrassing for a teen. Next thing, my DF was handing some anti fungal cream to me.

I never told her anything important, ever again.

BackforGood Sun 12-Jul-15 23:26:42

In theory, my answer is that it would depend what it was, but if anyone tells me something in confidence {with the exception of safeguarding disclosures of course} then I would keep that confidence. I wouldn't show my dc any less respect than anyone else, so, yes, if they wanted something to be just between me and them, then I wouldn't go and tell dh.

circular Mon 13-Jul-15 07:42:09

I have 2 DDs and usually keep the secrets, especially if more a Girly worry.
If it was something more serious that I felt DH needed to know, I would try and persuade them to tell him first.

TheWordFactory Mon 13-Jul-15 09:53:47

I don't think I'd keep secret anything serious, that I felt DH needed to know, but I don't pass on everything DD tells me.

She is very open with me and I hear all the gossip in minute detail. This allows me to have very frank discussions with her. I get to know what she thinks of things, and she's still interested to know what I think.

This includes everything from a mate getting a nipple piercing to what a boy said to DD at a party when he was chatting her up. DH would feel squeemish about both those conversations. So I don't pass them on.

TheWordFactory Mon 13-Jul-15 09:54:28

DS has no secrets grin. He is pathologically incapable!

NickiFury Mon 13-Jul-15 09:55:39

I'm not with my children's father but no if my children asked me not to I wouldn't and I wouldn't be annoyed if he did the same. I want them to trust me and there's some things you really don't want anyone else to know.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Mon 13-Jul-15 09:57:32

I wouldn't keep anything big from DH.

Ours are still small so it doesn't come up as an issue.

Kikimoon Mon 13-Jul-15 09:59:21

I quite often tell dh but that's because he never ever lets on - it's often better for him to know what's happening as he's more sensitive then. As she gets older I will probably keep more to myself, I guess.

bigTillyMint Mon 13-Jul-15 09:59:46

The DC know that we won't keep important secrets from each other, but if it was something and nothing like gossip, then there would be no real reason to tell the other person.

Chrysanthemum5 Mon 13-Jul-15 10:04:23

Mine aren't teen yet, but when DS tells me something and asks me not to tell DH I agree but I ask him to consider whether DH can know. I've always told the DCs it's ok to have secrets as long as it's not something that makes you sad or scared.

If I do feel DH needs to know, or I want to ask DH's advice on how to manage things I make him promise to not let DS know that he knows. It's worked so far.

Belleview Mon 13-Jul-15 10:06:40

Yes, I always maintain the confidence. Definitely. If I didn't they'd have no adult in whom to confide.

They think their dad will waffle and misconstrue and generally be unhelpful, so they want him out if it, when sensitive issues are arising.

Their decision, I respect.

DoesItReallyMatter Mon 13-Jul-15 10:08:32

It depends on lots of things but generally I would not tell my husband things if my DC didn't want me too. I'm really good and keeping things to myself which means my DC are all happy to talk to me.
I also don't press them for information apart from occasionally asking to see a couple of pictures on Facebook if they have been to an event.

Bonsoir Mon 13-Jul-15 10:09:28

DP is a huge bean spiller so anyone who confides in him and expects him to keep quiet does so at their peril grin

If DD told me something and asked me not to tell DP, I would respect that - but, as it is, she thinks it vitally important that both of us are kept fully au fait with every detail of her life. She's only 10 though.

WankerDeAsalWipe Mon 13-Jul-15 12:42:34

It would depend what it was, DH has a habit of not listening anyway so even if it came out later he wouldn't really feel that he hadn't been told.

There are things that both the kids and I keep from him but only because he doesn't really understand. Most of these are financial but aren't so much hidden in that he could find out if he was bothered enough.

i.e. I handle all the finances, I earn nearly twice what he does, he has access to all the info in our joint account. He thinks we probably spend about £100 on the boys birthdays and a bit more at Christmas - I spend a lot more but the bank account is there if he chose to look, I mainly order on amazon or other on-line do emails and order history are there. Its not that he grudges, he just doesn't realize how much things cost and that 1 video game is basically £50. He doesn't do any of the shopping so basically that's his look out.

They haven't confided anything else in me but I must say that I haven't always told him everything that DS2 has lost but then he has never asked.

Italiangreyhound Mon 13-Jul-15 12:54:27

I'd go on a what the thing is, basis. If our child was being stalked, abused, having a relationship with a controlling partner or any of that stuff I would have to tell DH and I would tell our child why.

Anything else, I would respect the confidence unless the issue became big, e.g. health worry, went for appointment, all fine, no worries, more issues surfacing, i'd say "I am going to have to share this with your dad because he really loves and cares about you and nothing that is happening will shock him or get in the way of his love for you. But I'd also say - keeping these secrets is harmful to all of us and could make family life harder when/if these secrets come out.

Boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, I would see how serious it was. If in any real doubt I would explain, I need to tell dad, but I will say it in a really clear way, and explain he is not to get upset/angry whatever with the child/teenager, even if he feels upset/angry about the situation.

Sometimes asking 'Can I tell?" Might give a child/young teenager the feeling of too much responsibility. EG they are being bullied and the parent asks if they can tell the teacher or the other parent. Sometimes kids need us to take charge and say this is how we feel, this is what is worrying and this is what I will do.

As they get older, over 18 etc or move away from home it may be harder.

My bottom line would be:
-Is there a risk (dangerous boyfriend) and by keeping the secret I am enabling the danger
-Could the other parent add something to help
-Will it damage the relationships with child or dh long-term to say or not to say, what is going on

Good luck.

SecretSquirrels Mon 13-Jul-15 13:46:27

I've never been asked not to tell DH. I think they probably assume we tell each other everything which is true.
<wonders whether they all keep secrets from me>

MyballsareSandy Tue 14-Jul-15 09:26:01

Depends what it is. DH does over react at times and I feel this stops our DDs from telling us stuff, so I'm trying to be the one that remains fairly calm even if inside im screaming WTF!!

DD2 confessed that she'd bunked a lesson last week, spent the time hiding on the school field with a mate. Got caught and confessed to me before the teacher got in touch. She admitted it wasn't her best decision but it's the end of term, it was a supply teacher, nothing much is going on in lessons at the moment. I confiscated gadgets for a couple of days, as I felt I had to do something, didn't tell DH as he'd have wanted to ground her and remove phone/iPad for rest of school hols grin.

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