I've got a teenager, can I have your advice on the best way to look after it :)(6 Posts)
DD has always been pretty easy going and not a lot of trouble but she hit 13 a few weeks ago and it's as if a switch has been flicked - nothing dreadful
yet but she's become gobby, cheeky and full of smartarse remarks and raised eyebrows. She is out a lot more, seems to find our company pretty boring when she is here and has become slightly sneery about our lifestyle - the sort of holidays we have for example compared to her friends. She is getting increasingly lazy about helping out around the house and seems to expect an endless supply of cash and lifts plus more freedom than I'm comfortable giving her. She's bending the rules and pushing the boundaries albeit only in small ways at the moment.
I know this is all normal teenage stuff but I'm not handling it well - I've got pretty shouty and am threatening punishments that should probably be saved for more serious stuff. I do sympathise with how she feels - a lot seems to have happened lately including starting her periods the day after her birthday, getting her first boyfriend and getting ready to change schools in September - but by the same token I don't want our whole lives to revolve around her. I know DH is already getting tired of us yelling at each other but when I try to be supportive she's pretty dismissive as though I couldn't possibly understand and I'm sure she'd rather be talking to one of her mates.
I've always had a great relationship with her and I know it will change as she gets older but I still want it to be a good one. I'd love some advice on the best way to handle this new chapter from people who've been there and come out the other side without resorting to the gin bottle
grow yourself a thick skin and don't take it personally is my advice! It can be tough at times. If in doubt walk away and calm down. Say nothing if possible and take yourself out of the argument. Go and have a cup of tea at the end of the garden then come back.
I have spent a lot of time having cups of tea at the end of the garden
I've got one of those two, my sympathies.
Something I do is pre warn in a situation I think might kick off, so I'll tell her if her friends come over and I get attitude I will embarrass her and send them home. And do it. She will kick off, however the next time all it took was an eyebrow raise for the attitude to drop. I also do a lot of picking my battles, her room can be vile but it's her space.
If you had a good relationship before try and make time for a couple of hours a week doing something you like. My DD loves a garden centre
old before her time but we go for a wander and have a cake and coffee and chat. Oh and if you need to talk about something that might have her run for her room, do it in the car there is no escape and also no eye contact which defiantly helps Dd be a bit more open.
Sto shouting. You don't want to give her any reason to hate you Buy the book how to talk. The teenage version
Well this is what worked for me
Home time, I would say 30 minutes earlier than when I wanted them home, they would push for later, so we'd compromise in the middle, meant I usually got the time I wanted without them realising...so if I wanted them home at 9.30, I would say 9pm, they would push for 10 we'd compromise on 9.30, first point to me
Money - does she get pocket money? No chores no money. If she does, maybe look at increasing it slightly, Extra jobs to earn more? (If you can afford it of course, if not then just be firm and say NO!) or could you get her a bus pass? When the money runs out, no more but at least you know she can go out/get home. Mine needed a bus pass for school, which the LA could provide but I preferred to buy one myself as there were no restrictions on when it could be used.
As for the gobbiness, honestly pick your battles, I would ignore some things, but I wouldn't tolerate, nastiness or swearing, I found laughing was good for making them storm off to their room - gave us both a bit space to calm down.
These worked, for me, most of the time but I'm sure other parents have different methods that might work better. It does get better though, eventually, my worst one was my DS, sometimes I can't believe the stroppy teen I had has turned out to be a really nice young man (he's 22 now) mind you sometimes even he's shocked by how cheeky he was
I think what I'm trying to say is a little compromise can go a long way (from both of you) you won't win every battle, but hopefully you'll win the war!
Good luck, it's not always easy
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