Trans DS, angry and lecturing us all the time. Any other parents of shouty trans kids?

[LovelySpread]

DS (was DD) is 14 and trans. This is fine, we just want them to be happy. My DH and I have trans friends and are ok with this. I am happy to buy boy clothes and use the new name. We have another child who is autistic and can't get his head around calling DS a new name. We are trying to talk about this but DS just becomes enraged and shouts.

I feel like our home is a battlefield as DS lectures us constantly about being trans, wants all the attention all the time, wants special treatment from everyone. If we disagree with anything we are haters.

I am just exhausted with the constant round of appointments, drama, shouting and general patronising attitude from DS. I know this is just teenagers in general but I'm worn out. Both kids are hard work and I'm recovering from serious illness. I seem to have lost track of my own life as everything revolves around DS.

Any other parents of trans DC?

[noblegiraffe]

I don't know anything about trans kids, that must be tricky to deal with and it's great that you're so accepting.

But you don't need to accept your DS lecturing you and being rude, no matter what the topic. "I understand you feel strongly about this but I'm not going to listen to you if you continue in that tone of voice" is a potential tack to take, and then walking away until he will interact calmly?

[Twinkie1]

I think I'd take that tack too. Boy or girl, you need to understand there are rules in this house and respecting your parents and not being rude is one of them, as is understanding your DS's difficulty in remembering that you now have a new identity. If you can't do that there are consequences as you are still our child and we still have a responsibility to make you understand that certain behaviour is not acceptable.

[StayWithMe]

Good grief! Bratty behaviour is bratty behaviour, trans or not. Don't let him treat you like that. He should still be showing respect and behave in a decent matter.

[LovelySpread]

Thank you both. I think I do need reminding that I can still get angry and tell him off without it being a trans issue. DS has also been suffering with anxiety and there was school refusal so we had Camhs appointments and other stuff. Everything has rotated around him for months now and I think I need to toughen up a bit.

[HermioneWeasley]

Yes, a lot of "radicalisation" of impressionable young trans people online.

[LovelySpread]

As one of my trans friends said, thirty years ago you may have met someone who felt like you in a specialist shop, now there are thousands of other teenagers on tumblr etc feeling the same. DS has a few years to make his mind up, he may or may not decide to go the hormones route bit at this moment he feels very strongly that he is male. Being a teenager is confusing enough without this. We still get flashes of loveliness but not enough.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

basic respect has nothing to do with gender. If ds doesn't understand this, he has bigger issues than identifying as trans.
In our house it is the kid with asd who is the one that stubbornly argues for the use of the new name and gendered pronoun, and refuses to accept naysayers, having been indoctrinated that you should use the name and pronoun of choice of the owner, not birth. So there is hope there
My kids just like to argue though (with each other, not me so much...) so it is just another topic to get irate about.
It is interesting that this is such a big issue now - i did some research years ago and at that point it was interesting to me that 'support' was so very close to brainwashing in the adult trans community, and now it seems that similar issues are developing with teens.

[HermioneWeasley]

"Support so very close to brainwashing" - I think that's the issue. Adult transactivists using children to advance their agenda, not necessarily with the best interests of the children at heart.

[LovelySpread]

Brainwashing isn't the issue here, DS has had these issues long before they had access to tumblr etc.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Oh, not in terms of the actual gender dysphoria, but more in terms of setting a very narrow path of what being trans means and how you should be behaving if you are trans (with concomitant expectations for how you should expect your family to react). It's almost a script.

It's laid out as strictly as traditional gender roles. Not liberating or busting the binary at all, just introducing a different set of rules and expectations. It makes me very uneasy. People should be able to explore their own thoughts and opinions (and where they fit on the gender spectrum). But the 'support' available can be almost dictatorial. In adults it used to be limited to what you needed to do in order to pass. It seems to have spread to dictate what 'trans' should do and feel now - instead of passing, you should be carefully sticking to the trans script instead.

It's just as limiting.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

And very sad.
Individuals should be free to be themselves, not to have to stick to either male, female or trans social scripts.

[bstokegirl]

I think he is just being a brat. Time out, don't put up with the "I have issues" rubbish until he can speak nicely for 5 mins. I do wonder whether being trans is so popular atm because it indirectly deals with other attention needs that teens have? Not being a naysayer, just wondering.