AIBU to be resentful?(9 Posts)
I have a DD25 just finished 2nd year of degree. She lives at home as she studies locally. She also works a fair bit and has maxed out all student loans. She does very little around the house (but will cook for herself) pays no keep, but manages to buy clothes, run a car and go out (a lot). My DS is nearly 18 and just finished his first year of college. He is equally lazy/ungrateful/inconsiderate. All take and no give. I can, to a degree understand my teen but not my DD. I'm a lone parent and earn a meagre wage which is keeping all 3 of us. I'm very resentful of my DD as I feel she should understand how hard it is for me. I'm so miserable I don't want to come home AIBU?
You need to start charging keep and set up a chore rota.
Don't expect her to understand. Talk to her - calmly and rationally - adult to adult.
Ask her what she thinks she can contribute now that she has disposable income, and think about what you think is fair. Then have a conversation and negotiate.
She can't read your mind.
Early..we have had the discussion before. She said she would give me some of her bursary money but I've had to keep on and on at her to apply for it, she has but I don't see why I have to wait a year for money when she's out enjoying herself. I love my kids enjoying life but you have to get your priorities right. I'm just a constant nag.
Be very specific with your dd - maybe even put it in writing. Tell her that starting in September (for example, so you've given her advance notice) that you will need X amount as contribution to the household each month. If she can't/won't pay, then she will need to find somewhere else to live. She'll probably whinge and moan, and say you're being unfair, but she won't have it as good elsewhere. And a landlord / utility firm /etc won't chase for payment, and won't tolerate late payments. It is time for you to be firm, and time for her to grow up.
Hopefully your ds will take notice and understand that the same lecture awaits him at some point.
Don't let her make you feel guilty. At this point she is contributing little to your life other than aggravation. You have been a wonderfully supportive Mum, and she is exhibiting a shocking lack of respect and gratitude. Quite frankly, she is taking the piss and you're a mug if you let it continue.
Stay strong, and good luck.
Early..you have made me feel better. I thought I was wrong to feel the way I did. I am going to write some 'house rules' along with consequences should they be broken, these will apply to both of them. You hit the nail on the head about guilt, I feel terribly guilty all the time, probably because I haven't provided them with a decent Father (he hasn't contributed for 10 years) so I feel I have to make up for that. Thanks for your advice Early
Noble..I will be adding chores to the 'house rules'!
It is hard to stand strong - especially on your own as a single parent - and especially when they will push every 'button' they can to make you feel guilty. What she'll want most is for things to continue as they are - your dd must know she's got a sweet deal.
Stay firm. In the short term, it will likely be difficult but in the long term it could actually improve your relationship with your dd.
And don't forget to include DS in the chore rota! Think too about what the consequences will be if either of them don't do the chores. In your son's case, if he gets an allowance I would think about stopping it, and paying him provided he has done what jobs you have asked of him.
With DD, try suggesting that she sets up a direct debit to come out of her account, and into yours, on a set date each month.
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