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I'm a rubbish Mum

(6 Posts)
blimppy Thu 09-Jul-15 16:37:15

DD1 (nearly 16) was diagnosed early this year with social anxiety and self esteem problems. This followed us finding out a couple of years ago that she was self harming and waiting several months for counselling. In the end, CAMHs referred her to a local counselling service, but this turned out not to be right for her. We are waiting for another referral to come through, but she recently started seeing a private counsellor. She has seemed better - even GP recently said she was - and had not self harmed since last Autumn. Yesterday, I discover she is self harming again. She got cross with me for finding out (I was clearing up sweet wrappers while dusting her room and found bloodstained tissues). All I did was gently ask if I could help, or at least help her talk with someone else as she seems to be struggling again. Her response was that she can't talk to me, never has been able to because I was always too busy either with work (3 days a week) or with DD2. And when I have tried to help, I always make things worse. In her view, communication between us has broken down. I feel so hurt. I really don't think her view of this is entirely fair, but it is clearly how she feels and I have to respect that. I've always tried to be even between her and her sister, and I can't help the fact that I have to work (it pays for most of her stuff after all!). I would also say that she has had the majority of my time and emotional support over the past 2 years in particular and I had thought we were close. Clearly not and clearly she views me as a pretty useless mother. I know that I need to stay calm and loving, but she clearly does not want me trying to support her, and I'm finding it hard to find the right balance in how I deal with her. I just feel like crying all the time (my mood is not helped by a recent bereavement). I know there are no answers really - just needing to vent!

jimijack Thu 09-Jul-15 16:41:31

Can you write all of this down for her?
Write down how it makes you feel and how you want to help but don't know how?

Jenda Thu 09-Jul-15 16:57:17

She's in a bad place and lashing out. I don't have much advice for this but I just wanted to tell you that you are clearly not a rubbish Mum. Rubbish Mums don't get lots of help for their children and do all they can to support them.

A letter is a good idea. non confrontational. Tell her how you feel seeing her struggle and ask her what Is she needs from you.

wine thanks

blimppy Thu 09-Jul-15 17:10:34

Thank you for the replies. At the moment, I'm limiting my role to providing cups of coffee on demand in the hope that I can't do any more damage that way. Using a letter to ask her to say what she needs may be useful if I can pluck up courage. It probably sounds daft, but it would have been easier had she said all that while in a shouting rage, but she was very calm and considered, as if she has thought it all through and reached these views entirely rationally. In fact, knowing her, that is exactly what she has done and I'm stupidly feeling nervous about raising any of it with her again!

LastingLight Sat 11-Jul-15 12:34:56

Truly rubbish mums don't worry about being rubbish mums because they just don't care. Your dd is distressed and lashing out, and you're the target because you're there and you're safe. I think that teenagers much of the time are unable to see how much we care for them and how much we do for them. I too find it very hard when my dd says hurtful things but we must try not to take it too personally.

furrylittlecreatures Sat 11-Jul-15 13:00:08

I to feel like a rubbish mum. My dd sounds like she is in a similar place, anxiety, CAHMs etc. sometimes it feels like a knife through my heart with the things she says to me and I have been crying a lot lately. Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take. It's always easier to give advice to other people isn't it and frankly I don't think I have the right given where I am with my dd but I wonder if writing down how her behaviour makes you feel would make her feel worst about herself and reinforce her possible self loathing? As I say my position is similar and I am sinking so who am I to comment? At least she feels she can tell you. I was frightened of my parents as a child and was very compliant as a result. To this day they say how good I was growing up when in reality I was in my own hell

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