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Friendship advice needed for 17 year old daughter.

(6 Posts)
Iamnotgoodatgivingadvice Thu 09-Jul-15 09:20:03

17 year old DD is in a friendship group of 7 girls. One girl is quite controlling and everyone else ends up doing what she wants to do. My DD hasn't really seen this before (but we as parents has and didn't like it). This girl has recently started being nasty with my DD, and DD distraught as sees losing all the girls as friends as they are being passive, not sticking up for my DD when they see other girl doing this. This girl has form with this I have found out and has two other ex friends she had done this to in last couple of years. (My DD similarly passive when this happened to them- but now she sees it and no longer likes this girl, can't believe she didn't see her rude and bitchy behaviour before for what it is). Was really upset last night. She wants to speak to other friends about it but wary of what to say and it being fed back to other girl. Wants to stay friends with them but not nasty girl. Asked what she should say and I'm struggling to advise her. Anyone have any experience or good ideas? DD starting to emerge as a lovely girl after a very rocky couple of years and I don't want it derailed.

twentyten Thu 09-Jul-15 09:23:05

Hi. Not an expert but have seen book recommendations on teen threads on here about the queen bee syndrome etc which might help her. Does she do other stuff outside the group? Could she do something else over the summer- volunteering/ work etc?

Newquay Thu 09-Jul-15 09:28:10

Your poor daughter. I had a similar situation at 14. Same being the passive one (for which I still feel awful now) and then I was on the receiving end in the end. I used to feel sick at going to school. But anyway what I did was to approach it as 'sticks and stones'....I remember being ostracised by them and getting bitchy notes passed to me and I would just push them onto the floor and not read them. Eventually I befriended a group of 'geeky' boys and was much happier. They soon learnt to get bored being bitchy to me. By that time there were only 2 of them - the other girls had been pushed out before and had either left school or had built a new group of friends. I was too ashamed to try to befriend them again....anyway. I don't know what to advise to say to the other girls - it could back fire. Years on I still want to tell the bully girl how awful she was and want to apologise to the ones I passively watched being bullied. So only empathy I'm afraid. The book 'cats eye' is a book about it. I remember reading that at the time and identifying with it. Read it first yourself tho as its a bit adult.
Your daughter needs a mantra or a song to help '3 little birds' or something upbeat. Good luck

Iamnotgoodatgivingadvice Thu 09-Jul-15 09:30:16

Fortunately DD has summer job and boyfriend but this is stressing her out. She is also worried about going back to school after holidays and how she will deal with them there if this not resolved. I'm worried she won't want to go back as she's told me she doesn't think she'll be able to cope if they're like this with her.

Iamnotgoodatgivingadvice Thu 09-Jul-15 09:48:24

Hi. Thanks. I googled queen bee friendship and got this article that describes it perfectly.

Any idea on what DD can say to other girls so she stays friends with them?

Pushka2 Fri 10-Jul-15 00:41:47

Iamnotgoodatgivingadvice I really do feel for your DD as we are sort of going through this at the moment with DD who is 14, and it is horrible. As a mother you want to protect your DD from all the unjust nastiness but there are just some things which you can't control. Unfortunately the pack mentality seems to prevail with girls where certain friends may not agree with the treatment but would rather be insider the group rather than on the outside. I remember it from my time at school (although not so bad for me) and I don't think it ever changes. The girls just don't have the emotional maturity or confidence to stand up and be counted.

Luckily for us, DD has other friends outside of her main group and also has different interests which she shares with other friends at school and I am hoping these wider friendships develop further.

Does your DD have any interests eg music, gigs, sport that she has in common with other girls/boys in the year she can bond with over? Also, as the summer is coming up, can she arrange meet ups with a few of the girls who she likes and wants to stay in touch with? She doesn't necessarily have to talk about the queen bee of the group but just spend quality time doing fum things with them. Girls are almost certainly nicer 1 on 1 (even DD's "pack" are!). I also make sure that we do fun and interesting things with DD in our free time/holidays.

I know that for me at school I started to find friendships with most girls at school frivolous and tedious and in 6th form became more friends with the boys as they were more straightforward (and more interesting if truth be told). Is DD in a mixed 6th form? If so, is she friendly with any of the boys?

I really hope things do improve for you DD and big hugs to you both.

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