DD has lied, and now I feel cruel. Please reassure me!(53 Posts)
DD begged me last week to buy her tickets to go to an event in October. I told her that as she'd had a really good year and worked hard, and because the event is near her birthday, that I'd get them as a birthday present once I knew she'd finished her final project of the year without any last minute fuss.
Final project is due in tomorrow. She told me on Sunday that she'd finished it, so I bought the tickets (Costing £55). It turns out she had lied because she wanted to go out with her friends on Sunday, and also because she was worried the event would sell out.
She is now frantically working on her project (that she's had for 6 weeks) and will no doubt have something acceptable to hand in tomorrow. She is a real last-minute worker but usually pulls it out the bag and meets the deadline, but without any spare capacity for printers failing, unexpected events cropping up or any of the other many problems that can and do get in her way.
So while I have no doubt she'll hand her homework in, she has lied and misled me. The obvious punishment is that she doesn't get the tickets. She is distraught. I am extremely hurt and pissed off. The tickets are non-refundable and it does say they are not transferable either, and although I would probably risk selling them on ebay I doubt I'll get full value.
I have told her that I am definitely selling the tickets, but that I will give her first refusal and if she has saved £55 by mid-September I'll sell them to her rather than ebay them. She thinks this is the most appalling thing she's ever heard.
She gets £13 a month pocket money and currently has about £10 in the bank. I have told her that I will need my car washing inside and out both before and after our camping trip and that I will pay her £10 each time if it's done to the standard that they do it at the car wash. She can also mow the lawn and trim the hedge (£5 each time). She could easily save the money by September if she wanted to.
Am I being harsh? Am I being too soft by giving her a get out clause? One of the tickets is for me, because under 14s aren't allowed in on their own and it's a couple of weeks before her 14th birthday but I am making her pay for that too (I have never even heard of the people we're going to see so I don't feel that I'm getting any benefit from it)
This is new territory for me because she is usually very honest so I don't want to overreact but I don't really feel I can just shrug it off either.
Yes you are being harsh. Just give her the tickets.
I think it's a bit harsh. She sounds like a good kid. As you say she's had a good year and worked hard does that really get cancelled out for one fib? I think maybe you're shocked because it's the first time she's lied to you but you know she's supposed to do that to a certain extent. It's all part of the separating from you thing.
I think I would make her sweat for a while longer but I wouldn't sell the tickets and I wouldn't make her pay either but maybe I am just a massive softie.
I think it sounds fair. If she's upset by it, then it shows it is making an impression on her and she will have to work hard to get the tickets. You can also remind her that you are being kind as she is normally honest, but in future the punishment would be harsher.
I don't have a teenager yet, but for what it's worth I think you need to do something, to just give her the tickets sets a low bar on the repercussions of misleading you . I would probably only make her pay for her own ticket though
I might give her a bit extra for her birthday if she does come through and pay for the tickets.
I don't think you should put conditions on birthday presents.
Oh god! Now I feel even worse.
I wish I hadn't ever linked the project with the tickets. I knew she'd get it done on time. It was just a handy tool to try to avoid the last minute panics we always have when she has a large bit of homework due. The trouble is, now I have and she's lied I feel like I've backed myself into a corner.
I think making her pay for one is a good compromise. Perhaps I can pretend I really want to go and see some random blokes off youtube!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I don't think you are being too harsh. Ordinarily I would say that as long as the homewrok is done on time and of sufficient quality it is her choice when to complete it and take the risk that something may go wrong which would mean its not handed in on time. This would then result in consequences from school. But lying is one of the things that really makes me mad and I would therefore punish the lying not the homework not being done.
I think that by giving her a get out of buying the tickets back you are being reasonable, although I think what I would actually do is wait until September and then tell her she can keep the money and give her the tickets back.
Too harsh - give her the tickets
I think it sounds quite harsh and the incentives / regaining the tickets plan quite complex.
If the issue is her study skills and work planning it might be better to focus on that (and let her deal herself with any last minute problems) rather than give a big reward for something she struggles with.
Also think it's harsh to make her pay for your ticket as well as her own: you agreed to accompany her because of the entry rules, and we all do things for family that aren't our cup of tea.
Not being harsh, IMO being harsh would be be selling them and not letting her buy them. She knows that what she has done is wrong and I think you are being generous in pay her for the chores.
I agree with Mermaid. Purchasing the tickets was under your control, she couldn't just go ahead and get them and she would have been aware they'd be likely to sell out. I honestly think you're dishing out a big punishment for not very much at all.
I am a strict parent but I think this is too harsh or at least not commensurate with the misdemeanour
You are not being harsh at all, you're teaching her cause and consequence.
Back down now and all you'll be teaching her is that lying to your mother pays off big time.
She lied. To her own mother! To manipulate and get what she wanted.
No, you're totally fair. Too harsh would have been to take them with no chance of redemption. You've given her a good chance of getting them anyway.
And I doubt she'll do it again.
I think if nothing else it sounds very complicated and a bit draconian, but I completely agree that the lie requires dealing with.
If she's a good kid in general, what about sitting her down, saying you've reconsidered, and you'd like to offer her the chance to make amends. What if she suggests her own punishment for lying, in exchange for being permitted the tickets?
I am 36 and nothing makes me more productive than the last minute. I have never grown out of leaving everything until thr night before.
Tbh if she hands it in on time and to an acceptable standard I'd probably give her the tickets. If she has had a good year and worked hard and gets things done right however last minute I'd give her a break.
I'd make it an opportunity for her to sell some old toys/clothes on Ebay.
tricky as I would want a consequence for the lying to go out with friends rather than pulling her finger out when she's had a lot of time...think your idea of buying 1 of the tickets is the best....
you can always make it more birthday'ish nearer the time by adding programme/t shirt at the gig or naisl done - (depending on what sort of band/night out!)
lesson for you in making sure you check next time! (and me as ds heading this way...I wouldn't have checked either)
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
It's confusing. If they are birthday presents then those come with no strings attached. But you put a condition on them and she lied to you. I'd expect her to do something that puts her out, to learn that she can't do that again. But I'd never sell a child's birthday present. That would be too cruel.
I think that you are right - lying no matter how small is ever acceptable.
"I doubt she will do it again"
I bet she will. In fact I bet she will hide things even more knowing that she will be come down on like a ton of bricks.
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