At my wits end..

[bowbear]

I'm hoping for some sage advice on how to support my dd(14). We have had a horrendous couple of years and it feels like nothing I do is helping.

DD has been through phases of trashing her bedroom(totally!!), isolating herself from friends and generally withdrawing, she is angry and sad and feels like the world has been ruined by humanity and hates the idea of having to conform to society and follow like sheep. We arranged counselling that she attended for about 5 months but then abruptly stopped and refused to go back. She has been referred to camhs who have been utterly useless. They have referred her for ASD testing but there is little hope of this happening for another 18 months. She is regularly refusing to attend school - she is very academic and quiet in school and I don't think they are really showing much concern or offering any support.

family life is a nightmare, I also have DS(4) who struggles to cope with the unpredictability of his sister and I am so worried about how this is affecting him and how I am failing my DD. DH (step dad to DD) is really struggling to cope . There seems to be no one to turn to to find a way through this misery. I am starting to feel like DD would be better off with someone else who could understand and help her before her childhood is over. I love DD with all my heart but feel like I'm letting her down.

[EE123]

When she was in counseling or under Camhs was there ever a diagnosis? Did school ever bring up the ASD?

[bowbear]

No the counselling was private as the waiting list for camhs was so long. School struggle to recognise the problems we are having because she is never disruptive or difficult in school and is in top sets for everything. We have no diagnosis of anything which makes it so difficult - I don't know whether to be much firmer and less tolerant of her behaviour or whether this will exacerbate the problems. I feel so powerless to help her.

[Runningtokeepstill]

There are people over on the special needs boards who have experience with ASD in girls (being quiet at school is very common) and lots of people with experience of behaviour strategies. It sounds like you expect being more strict will make matters worse and this seems to be what others have found from what I have read. I have a ds with chronic health problems, made worse by psychological factors and being "firm" with him, as advocated by various professionals, only ever made our relationship more strained. You could try posting in Special Needs or having a trawl through some existing posts from parents of ASD girls.

[bowbear]

Thank you running, it definitely feels like I'm throwing fuel on the fire if I take a stricter stance, but I feel like I'm enabling her by not enforcing more consequences. I feel so ill equipped to help her. I will look at the special needs chat. I just feel utterly helpless.

[MandyCC]

I feel your pain I've just posted about my DD- Few differences being my DD is equally as challenging in school. It is impossible knowing what to do, If your DD is anything like mine it makes it much harder (Wont engage with therapy/Camhs/ medication). Its quite iscolating my friends/family were initially supportive but they have all vanished now as they find it so tiring.

Wish I could advise you but i'm in same boat hoping for a miracle .

[Unsupported1966]

Hi Bowbear

i am also struggling with a 16 year old boy, which alas has been gradually getting worst over the last couple of years (each morning my wife and I hope we turned a corner and maybe our son may reappear, alas not yet

We are trying to concentrate on why he is so angry, do you know why your daughter is thrashing her bedroom, is it pure anger

I have always thought that the Xbox has been causing his anger issues but we are now looking at another reason.

I have to admit I am amazed at the knowledge on here from various posters and I hope more on here can help

[bowbear]

I'm sorry to hear that you are both having such a hard time. It's a very lonely place to be and so hard to get others to understand the enormous pressure it puts the whole family under.
The room trashing hasn't happened in a while and we have now re plastered and decorated - I think she caused the damage out of sheer frustration of feeling that nobody understands her, maybe to get attention or simply as a way to shock us. She hasn't caused any physical damage for a few months but is dramatically unpredictable in her moods which puts us all on edge.

Her escape is fantasy fiction, at times it is all consuming ie clothes, food, language etc . She is so hard to reach and seems so sad and lonely it breaks my heart.

[Unsupported1966]

Great to hear that she has done any damage etc for a few months now and you are totally right, the pressure that this puts on a family is really something you cannot explain to anyone who has never been through this.

Hoping any updates from you continue to show improvements from your daughter

[Clare1971]

It might be worth pestering CAMHS. Keep calling and strss how much it is affecting your DS. My experience of CAMHS is that some of it is a complete waste of time but then you get someone who just 'clicks' with your child and you start to see changes. And don't blame yourself - parenting a difficult teen, especially one with possible ASD is incredibly hard and it sounds like you're doing a really good job.

[Heyho111]

Hi. I'm really sorry it's so difficult with your D.
You mentioned ASD as a possibility.
It may be worth searching for info on how ASD presents itself in girls. There is quite a bit of research at the moment on ASD and girls.some indicators can be they can appear social but are struggling to cope as social skills are v complex. They can have obsessive hobbies or crushes on stars that last longer than other teen girls, they struggle socially, are quiet ( but not always). These are only indicators.
A child struggling with an issue in school, socially or something else may appear to be coping fine as in fine in school but let's it all out at home where they are safe. This is extremely common coping strategy.
It's a real complexity. Keep pushing for an appt become a nuisance.

[bowbear]

Thank you so much for your comments and reassurance, it does help me stay sane. I just wish I could understand better how she is feeling, yesterday it was like somebody flicked a switch - she was cheery, went to school and assured me everything was fine again and she had worked things out. This has happened before and she will be relatively stable for a while but I know that it is only a matter of time before she crashes again. I think you're right about pestering, I'm sure somebody out there can help her understand and cope better - well I'm hoping that's the case.