going to uni open days with you or their friends?

[mumof2kidz]

Hi all,

Over the past week my DD has been going to Uni open days with her friends on the train. She has asked her father if he will take her to an open day on Friday which is around a 2 hr drive because the train tickets are too expensive and she can't afford it out of her own money.

However, DH has told her he will take her but doesn't really want too and said if he is busy with work (he is self employed) then he won't be able to take her. DD's boyfriend is also going to the same open day and has offered her lifts, but I don't really want them to go together as I don't want DD to go somewhere just so she can be with him.

Am I being unreasonable about DD's uni choices? I really don't want her to move out, but she seems adamant that she wants to for the student expierence. Both me and DH didn't go to Uni so this is a fairly new expierence for us trying to get our heads around the prices and application process etc.

DD works on weekends and I work in the week so DD is having to miss college to go. Am I being selfish for not booking a day off work to go with her and making her go with her friends? I want DD to be educated, I just really don't want her to leave home.

[Newtobecomingamum]

To be honest you should be over the moon that she is being so proactive attending all the open days and if I were you I would be providing as much support as possible or whenever asked to... She has turned to her parents and asked for help in travelling to a particular one and you should help her.

This is her time, her choices and you must put your feeling aside. She needs to make these decisions herself. She sounds like a very intelligent mature girl and I would just provide support wherever possible.

Uni is an amazing experience and she will develop and grow. Most people miss the odd days of college to attend Uni open days and the colleges even promote the open days and are fully aware that students may be off etc.

You can't keep her at home forever. If you meddle now and she doesn't make her own choices and decisions she may resent you later on.

Please don't hold get her back and let her make her own choices. Must be hard to let go... But it's all part of life.

[Newtobecomingamum]

I forgot to add... Her college will run support classes in how to fill out the applications, go through what the uni open days consist of and help put together questions and details of information to gather.

If she hadn't ready had these talks with her college, she should ask her tutor or careers advisor there and they will go through it all.

My parents never went to uni, I did and I got a the support from my college in all the ins and outs.

[NerrSnerr]

The students who stayed at home didn't have the same experiences as the ones who moved away in my experience.

Let her do what she wants- she'll end up resenting you if she stays at home just because you want her to.

[Travelledtheworld]

You have a lot of stuff to think about and talk through with her. What does she want to study ? Why is she choosing particular courses ? Who is going to pay for her living costs while she is away ? What are her expectations ? How does the student loan system work.

Leaving home to go to Uni is an important first step to leaving home for millions of young adults. It will broaden her horizons, introduce her to new people and a different way of life.

You both need to understand the pros and cons of going to university.


Lots of information on applications the UCAS website but here is some information which may be useful to you all

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/TpZQrPBX9q0KhPtzZ0DYNG/university-is-it-for-you

[cromwell44]

This shouldn't be about you and your need to keep your daughter at home. You and your husband seem to be prioritising work ahead of the open days. I think many parents take time off to accompany their children or would at least expect to pay train fares to get there.
The application process is explained at parent sessions at most open days so by not going, you are missing out on a good source of information and a chance for you to get to know the university environment.

She doesn't seem to able to do anything to please you, you won't take her, give her money for fares but you don't want her going with her boyfriend. What choice does she have?

[mrsdavidbowie]

I didn't go to any uni days with my dd...she went on the train.
Why won't you help her with the train fare?
And why do you want her to stay at home??
She's 18.

[happy2bhomely]

To be honest, the only bit you have a right to discuss with her in my opinion, is the bit about how she will fund her living costs whether she stays at home or moves out. If you will be supporting her financially, then you are entitled to some input.

I think your DH should put his daughter first and take her. She needs his help. If he won't, then I think you must.

I think you should be very proud of her. Me and my DH didn't go to university and had our first ds when we were 17. He is now almost 15 and talking of A levels and uni and I am trying to contain my excitement and immense pride that he is even considering it. If (when) he makes it, he will be the first to go in either of our families and I think I will scream it from the rooftops and do a little dance.

[Leeds2]

My DD went to two open days last week. One with me, one with friends. Both journeys were done by train, and I paid for the tickets. I genuinely believe that you should help her with the travel costs if you can afford to do so.

I also think it would be nice if you or her dad went to some of the places with her, and at least show that you are interested and will support her.

[TheFairyCaravan]

I get the bit where you don't want her to leave home, I really, really do. When DS1 left home to join the army a year ago I had little cries in the bathroom for weeks. It's a big step, but it has to be done at some point and you're not going to like it whenever they do it IMO.

DS2 is going to uni in Sept, he is going to the same uni that his 2 best friends are going to. I'm not sure it's the best thing for him to be going there, 100%. However, the three of them are doing different courses and I know DS2 won't be in the same halls. It's the one he applied to that's furthest away from home, but it's his choice.

WRT open days, I went to all of them with my DSes, apart from one and DH went to that one. They wanted our input and opinions on the campus and the course. Had we not have been able to go, no bloody way would we have expected them to have paid their train fare or petrol money. I think because you don't want her to go you are trying to make it as hard as possible for her. I'm sorry, but you and your DH are being really, really selfish. This is a stage in her life when you should be giving her support.

When we take DS2 on 13th Sept, I shall feel a bit heavy hearted, and no doubt I'll cry (because I always do) but I shall be so proud that my son has worked so hard to get to do what he has wanted to do since he was in Primary school.

Be excited for your DD, she deserves it.

[anthropology]

Please try to support her. I agree its an expensive process, but for students who are the first in their family to go to uni, or need financial support, there are currently financial grants and supports available, either from the universities or via Student finance. Ultimately, she will bear the responsibility to take out the loan and pay it back, but you will need to get involved as a parent and fill out the financial information etc, and these open days usually have sessions for parents to understand this. She may well return home after uni, so if she can go and study at the place which is best for her course, it is a great opportunity to learn independence.

[cariadlet]

When I saw the title of the thread I assumed it was going to be from a mum who had been excited about going on open days with DC and felt excluded and disappointed because DC would rather go with friends.

[twentyten]

Going to open days is a great way for parents to get to understand what it is all about. It is a major step and it is the easiest way to leave home with support. Sounds like she is being very proactive. Colleges etc often allow/ expect a few days off for open days. Gi and have a look.

[antshouse]

I get that you don't want her to leave home but uni is more of a stepping stone to independence. She'll be home for long holidays, probably appreciate you and home more when at home,and increase her career prospects. If she stays at home she may be isolated as friends move away .
Try to be excited for her, show interest in her choices and help with travel to unis if possible.
There is active thread on the secondary school forum in education on uni open days 2015. My Dd has been going with friends so far as she is just getting a feel for different ones for comparison at the moment.

[JustDanceAddict]

For me, a massive part of uni was living away from home & being independent. I only came back for a year and moved in with then-boyf, now dh. I only went to an open day once I'd got an offer, but it's not done like that now. I'd def want to go and see where my child may potentially be living for 3 years. If you're not familiar with uni-life, this will be very helpful.

[shouldnthavegoogledit]

I never went to open days, lived at home to go to a local uni to save money and, if I'm honest, because I was scared. My dad pretty much shrugged at it all, and my mum was desperate for me not to move out, so I didn't.

Even though I ended up with 2 top degrees from was a top 10 RG uni, I definitely missed out on a lot (and STILL wound up with massive debt!). I don't think I really "grew up" until I moved out at the age of 26.

The thing is, University isn't about learning facts about a subject, and in fact every major university tends to be criticised for teaching quality as lecturers are focused on their own research to further their careers and deepen the spectrum of knowledge on the subject. Therefore for the most part you could probably learn the same amount with online syllabi and online free courses, although you wouldn't be accredited I suppose.

University is actually about growing and becoming better at judging and interacting with people; about learning all the practicalities of living alone, and while you CAN do that in later life, it's harder. The big thing that living on campus offers that no others stage of life does is this huge mixing pot of people all ages, all interests, lots of clubs, in a safe space with dedicated set of student support services ready to help with any issues they're able to. (Sadly of course not everyone thrives, but the majority find a place pretty quickly, and unis are getting better on the support provision as the years go on.)

For me, I wasn't a total loner; I had lots of friends at uni and spent weekends watching movies with them or going to parties etc, but with no car, an inevitable early curfew out of respect to everyone else in the family, and several part time jobs, I ended most of my free time at home studying. I never forged deep bonds with anyone, and I regret that a lot as actually when you start jobs and moving around, you never have that network on offer again. There were some other issues in my family - my mum has some mental health issues - but I think it limited my eventual career too as I didn't go on trips, didn't gain many skills from societies, didn't do work experience abroad, and so on.

So, sorry, I'll stop rambling, but ... If I could do it all again I would be going to every open day possible, preferably with two supportive parents to get their grownup advice and opinions! :-) Hope this helps offer you a perspective, and really hope it goes well for her!

[shouldnthavegoogledit]

Ps I've worked in unis for almost 15 years now including admissions, so if I can help with any other questions at all, please free to PM me :-)

[ragged]

It is fantastic that she's taking so much initiative & is so ambitious. You should be proud.

I would offer to pay the petrol for her to go with the boyfriend on Friday.
My guess is that you would feel better about her going away if you went along to one of the open days with her, I would try to go along to one of them with her.

In my cultural experience, maybe 1/3 of those who went to Uni lived at home at least initially, so it's fine if they live at home or go away. The important part is to get on a good course that suits her.

Even if she goes to Uni far away, She'll still be home for long holidays so she's not truly moving out for a long time yet.

[BeaufortBelle]

Selecting a Uni:

1. The course - does the uni offer what she really wants to do
2. What sort of offer can she get and will she make it
3. Is a there a compromise vis a vis institution/subject/reputation
4. Does she like the ambience of the campus/City
5. Is it affordable?

If she's happy to visit with the boyfriend, why not? Unless of course she might compromise course quality/experience to do what he's going to do just for the sake of it.

We didn't visit uni's with DS. If your dd wants one of you to help her, then yes I think you should and I think you should take the day off work. I also agree with others, going to uni isn't just about the academics. It's about settling into a different world, meeting different people, experience a different sort of life, finding yourself and growing up. It broadens and educates far more broadly than just getting a qualification.

[Talismania]

Even if she goes to Uni far away, She'll still be home for long holidays so she's not truly moving out for a long time yet.

When I moved out for Uni I never went back for holidays.

OP it's time to let her start living her own life, even if it's not what you want for you, it's best for her.

[lljkk]

Were you working all the holidays to fund that, Talismania?

[Claybury]

If DS would go to an open day and let me go with him I would be jumping for joy.
As it is he can't be bothered, doesn't see the point when he can look online. We have been trying to persuade him otherwise.
Your DD sounds great. You are lucky. Please encourage her. She should be leaving home at 18! Why ever not ? What would you like her to do ?

[Talismania]

lljkk

Yes. I worked all year round.

[AliceInSandwichLand]

Another voice to say please support her to do the course that's right for her, both practically, emotionally and financially if you can. Just as a point of comparison, my DD2 is also doing the rounds at the moment. She will go to a couple alone, with us paying expenses, and about five with me, with me taking time off work to take her sometimes and in one case driving her 300 miles to look at one particular uni (the course she wants is only available in a few places). I was the first in my family to go to university and would never have had the same experience at home, although some people do prefer it. If you can possibly afford it I would really urge you to help her visit places, as only then will she get a feel for what she likes, and if she is really keen on somewhere a little way away, then isn't it great that she is confident and independent and motivated enough to make plans to go there? Good luck to your DD.

[mathanxiety]

I have a different experience as I am in the US. Universities can be a long plane ride away from home for many American students.

DD3 recently came back from a week away with DD1 who is working in a city about 14 hours away by car. DD3 and DD1 visited a good few universities during the week. She went with the blessing of both exH and myself. I am very grateful to DD1 for organising and paying for the entire thing. It was really useful for DD3 as she is a girl who needs to see and experience an environment before she can get an idea of it.

DD1 went off to university 15 hours away by car, sight unseen, but she doesn't really need to see a place an idea of the location and the course offerings was fine for her. She got her first job after university and packed and left, again sight unseen, found her feet and got on with her life. (DD1 also worked all through her summers, and also her Christmas breaks I saw her for a total of maybe four weeks all four years of her university days). I was lucky DD1 didn't need to see far flung places and actually wasn't interested in seeing places closer to home either, as I couldn't afford to send her to see any of the places she applied to, at the time. But I got involved in the process of sifting through brochures and websites, reminding DD1 of deadlines, trying to narrow down exactly what she was seeking in a university.

What I am saying is -- try to get past your own feelings and support your DD. She is a brave girl and seems to have a lot of get up and go to be planning all of this, but don't underestimate the toll it will all take on her and on your relationship with her if she gets the impression from this experience that you and her dad are not behind her, or that she has to do it all by herself without even train fare to go see a place she might be interested in.

However, I think you are smart to want to make sure DD does not decide on a university just because her BF goes there. That is the worst reason to commit to a university and all the expense that goes with it. But make sure she knows the BF isn't her only friend and booster as she faces the narrowing down and application process or you may find she opts for the safety of having the BF around in preference to feeling she is on her own.