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how to help son get out of a relationship?

(5 Posts)
pennycurie Tue 09-Jun-15 18:56:49

My son 19 met his g/f at school when they were both 14. They became friendly for a year or two and then it all seemed to go wrong and he did not see her for a year from 16 to 17 years. This messed up his studies but he managed to get back on track in upper 6th when we took him out of school and sent him to another one.
Then their relationship blossomed into what seemed to be something quite serious.
They planned to go to the same Uni but he took a year out and worked abroad and got a place at another Uni he had always wanted to attend and did not expect to be offered a place at...he is due to start in Oct not the same one as her Uni...
As part of GAP year my son got a job abroad and while he was working abroad she met up with his life long friend who had gone to nearby Uni (previously she had said she did not like this friend)...hard to know what happened but she said he got her drunk and raped her...
DS does not want to see male friend (his family are our old friends) and DS has not spoken to him since...
DS mentioned g/f threatening to kill herself and she said to me she had been sent down from Uni for depression cos he was away...
She has seen a few therapists but she said none were any good.
She seems very troubled but I think he is now seeing her without telling us...

trying to not to interfere and just listen when I am told things and respond in a neutral way
when I have taken advice all agree she is bad news and he needs to move on but how to stand by and help him to do this is excruciating any thoughts or tips gratefully received.

BackInTheRealWorld Tue 09-Jun-15 18:59:00

Does he actually want to get out of the relationship?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 09-Jun-15 19:01:16

I think at 19 you offer tea and sympathy and leave him to sort it out himself.

EE123 Tue 09-Jun-15 22:41:23

We are going through something similar. Girlfriend with unstable home life who relies way too much on my son. We are waiting it out, and hoping that once university starts he can get some more perspective on the relationship. I worry my son is in over his head, and doesnt know how to extricate himself without feeling very guilty.

pennycurie Tue 16-Jun-15 10:48:30

do not know if he wants out but she has been less in evidence since he said it is not her fault and we pointed out that she did not have to meet up with someone she said she did not even like...
good to hear others are waiting it out too
Never thought I would be happy to see him grumpy and a bit withdrawn but it seems preferable to the histrionics we were having

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