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Why is DD so secretive about her new boyfriend?

(16 Posts)
SausagesAndMashed Mon 08-Jun-15 22:40:26

According to my sources (DD21) my DD20 (my youngest and will always be the baby of the family, and she likes it that way) has a new boyfriend. This is news to DH and I as we had no idea at all she was seeing anyone, as she's been very busy with finishing college (FINALLY!) and working before she heads off to Uni in September. Her sister told us they've been seeing each other for a few months, have made some plans for the summer, but she's not so much as uttered a word about his existence to us! The reason we're so surprised to hear this is because she lives at home and doesn't drive, so it's strange that we simply haven't noticed.
DD21 has met him, and apparently DD20 goes on and on about him, and seems to be rather smitten with this lad. From what DD21 has reported back to me, we know he's 24, drives, has a degree and works 2 jobs to save up for a deposit for a new flat. On paper he sounds great, so we can't understand why DD hasn't mentioned him to us. We had noticed that lately she's been in a much better mood, and a lot less anxious, though we put it down to her excitement of finishing college and looking forward to summer. How do we broach the subject of the new boyfriend, and encourage her to bring him over (not for anything daunting, probably just a few drinks at the pub)?

magimedi Mon 08-Jun-15 22:42:47

She's 20 - maybe she wants a bit of privacy & to lead her own life.

CamelHump Mon 08-Jun-15 22:43:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sooperdooper Mon 08-Jun-15 22:45:50

She's entitled to her own privacy, if she wants to tell you about him or introduce you to him she will, leave her to it and don't be nosey

Youmakemydreams Mon 08-Jun-15 22:47:26

Maybe she just wants the privacy. I probably wouldn't have told my mum and dad at that age because they would have insisted on a few drinks down the pub.
I too was the baby of the family and on the wrong side of 35 now I still am. My mum cannot seem to grasp I am divorced with three children of my own and not the baby of the family anymore.
Tbh that is what made me more secretive actually. I was utterly embarrassed at the way my parents spoke to me and about me.
And myum would have said I enjoy it and that she didn't baby me but I didn't and she did.

SausagesAndMashed Mon 08-Jun-15 22:47:43

There's privacy and then there's secretive. When she's been seeing other guys she always told us if/when she was seeing someone new, and bought him over fairly early on to meet the family (even the total wasters that you wouldn't want in your house, let alone seeing your DD). I'm just confused as to why she's keeping this one to herself.

sooperdooper Mon 08-Jun-15 22:47:45

Oh and I bet if she finds out your other daughter has been reporting back on her she'll be upset/annoyed, don't push it by wanting details, she's an adult now so she can decide as and when to tell you smile

SausagesAndMashed Mon 08-Jun-15 22:51:12

It's not like it's her first boyfriend, she's been engaged and had casual relationships (which she's very open and honest with me about). DD plays on the fact she's the youngest, and the 'golden child' and butter wouldn't melt. In fact she get slightly envious when she sees her father interact with other peoples children because she misses when he used to play games and make silly faces at her.

ilovehotsauce Mon 08-Jun-15 22:55:51

She's 20 leave her alone? confused

mrstweefromtweesville Mon 08-Jun-15 23:01:13

Perhaps she just doesn't want you to know. If family know about someone he becomes the subject of discussion. She might not want you keeping tally.

Youmakemydreams Mon 08-Jun-15 23:19:05

I'm sure the baby of the family does play on it I possibly did too but there is a world of difference between behind closed doors and with your boyfriend.
Maybe to her this one feels different. My mum had met plenty of my boyfriends in the past but when I met my ex I did keep it quiet for a while because that relationship was different. I was different. I was in a grown up world now. He was allegedly a grown up and I wanted to enjoy that before introducing him to my family where I was treated as anything but.
Sorry but you need to let her do this her way. She has her reasons and you and her sister are betraying her trust here. She won't come to either of you if you push this.

sherbetlemonD Tue 09-Jun-15 00:06:24

Leave her to it. You don't know how serious it is- maybe she doesn't want to bring him home because she doesn't want to put too much pressure on it. She's only 20 after all? Or maybe he's a psychopath. You will never know until she chooses to tell you. Don't push her or your will be more likely to kept in the dark. Sure it's upsetting that she tells your other DD and not you- but it's her sister, not her Mum.

SallyMcgally Tue 09-Jun-15 00:15:38

Maybe she really likes this boy so feels much shyer about it. Another one here who is, at 47, the baby ( my mother still tries to buy my clothes!) and I would NEVER have told my parents when I was 20 if it was someone I really liked. If she wasn't so keen on the other boys then there was less to feel shy about.

googoodolly Wed 10-Jun-15 08:49:32

Leave her alone - she's 20 and it's not really any of your business who she's going out with. I didn't tell my parents about relationships at that age because they wanted to do "drinks or coffee just to meet him" and I didn't feel it was necessary.

If it's serious, you'll meet him soon enough.

NerrSnerr Wed 10-Jun-15 08:56:30

She must have her reasons. Have you gone over the top when she has had previous boyfriends? Do you act like she's the baby of the family?

She is a grown woman and deserves her privacy if she wishes.

StrawberryMojito Wed 10-Jun-15 09:00:47

She's 20, she's allowed a secret boyfriend if she wants one. Wait for her to tell you.

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