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Was it rape?

(21 Posts)
olisue Sat 06-Jun-15 07:58:13

Hi everyone. I'm new and I need some advice. I'm feeling a bit helpless and don't know what to do.

My 17 y/o daughter has had an on/off relationship with an 18 y/o boy from sixth-form college for the past 4 months. It has never been serious because he doesn't want a serious relationship but she fell in love with him. There has been lots of kissing but no sex, until last weekend when they were out partying in a group and ended up back at a friend's flat. My daughter told him she didn't want to have intercourse because she is a virgin and wants her first time to be with someone she loves and who loves her. Anyway they ended up in a bedroom and things went too far, he penetrated her and she told him to stop. He stopped. She got very upset, saying that he did that without her consent. She called me crying and asked me to pick her up. I did and she told me that he had raped her. She wanted to come home and I said we needed to go to the police. She said she didn't want to go to the police and after she explained exactly what had happened I agreed and we went home.

She has been anxious and withdrawn all week. She has found out that her so called friend who is also friends with this boy has been saying nasty things about her and threatening to beat her up for accusing this boy of rape.

She is devastated, I am devastated seeing her like this. i feel so helpless, is there anything I can/should do other than be there for her?

Thanks x

omletta Sat 06-Jun-15 08:00:52

Sorry - no words of advice but yes - that was certainly rape.

whattodoforthebest2 Sat 06-Jun-15 08:03:07

I think you ought to speak to a rape crisis line, get proper advice, don't rely on strangers on here telling you what it was or wasn't.

Alvah Sat 06-Jun-15 08:08:50

So sorry to hear of your daughter's experience. I would also class this as rape and would arrange suitable counselling, so that she can find the confidence to report it to the police.

Although I see her dilemma and why she would choose not to report, I think it is hugely important that she works through this trauma and is not left feeling helpless or as a victim in the future.

All the best wishes to you both.

omletta Sat 06-Jun-15 08:08:55

That's a big rude whatto - I second rape crisis, they will give you excellent support, however, penetration without consent is always rape - it's a legal definition (which I know from working with Rape Crisis)

RedDwarfPosse Sat 06-Jun-15 08:20:49

Poor girl

Yes it was certainly a sexual assault as she specified she did not want full intercourse but he went ahead and penetrated her anyway... although he did withdraw when she said again it's not what she wanted (I'm not saying that's ok btw, it isnt! just not sure how the authorities will treat the situation if she WAS to report it. But it certainly was a sexual assault and still a crime)

You can't force her to report it if she doesn't want but I think talking to someone at your local sexual assault referral centre for advice maybe wise. They will support you both without forcing her to report it...

whattodoforthebest2 Sat 06-Jun-15 08:29:57

The reason I said that, om, is that it sounded as if there might be some doubt, if she gave any encouragement at all, it could be construed differently. Discussing those details third hand on an open forum is hardly the way to establish the legal position. The OP needs to speak to someone who's qualified and who can assess the matter properly.

Of course her DD needs lots of support to go through this and a rape crisis line is the way to go.

olisue Sat 06-Jun-15 09:32:03

Thank you everyone. I have emailed our local rape crisis to ask for an appointment. I think it was rape, even though I didn't want to believe it at first. I'm supporting her 100% and will do everything I can to help her through it. Right now she never wants to go back to college because people have been talking about her. Yesterday she went on fb messenger on her phone and found that her ex friend (the one who has taken the boys side) was logged in on my daughters phone - she had used it the week before and not logged out. My daughter has seen all the nasty messages that she has sent to various members of the friendship group. They are laughing about her and what happened. It's like another kick in the teeth. I wish she had never seen the messages. Do you think it is worth informing the college about this? X

lincolnshirelassy Sat 06-Jun-15 18:16:01

Hi OP just wanted to say I feel for you as I have a horrible situation with my dd and Bf currently so I know just how distraught you are feeling. Agree with all that has been said about rape crisis etc and I would also talk to the college, do they have a counsellor at the college? Or somewhere she can escape to feel safe if she feels bad whilst at college? It's a horrible situation for you both and my heart goes out to you flowers

lincolnshirelassy Sat 06-Jun-15 18:22:04

what not to be rude but I completely disagree that if she gave him any encouragement at all it is construed differently. She TOLD him she didn't want to have sex. He went ahead anyway. We're in 'she was wearing a mini skirt' 's was drunk' 'she led me on' territory there. There is NO excuse. But I think reporting it comes second here, first make sure your dd gets the support she needs xx

ktkaye Sat 06-Jun-15 18:35:38

How awful. Please contact the college too, they will be able to support you and your daughter and will have contacts they use to offer specialist support. Your daughter is not to blame for what happened but does need to be extremely clear about exactly the sequence of events, what was said and when etc should it ever go to court. If you haven't already and she is up to it try and get her to write everything down word for word and keep that somewhere safe. So often in trauma such as this we forget key points or panic and get muddled with the stress and upset. Having a written statement fresh from memory helps keep things clear. It would probably also be advisable to avoid any correspondence with the so-called friends and her bf until you have further support and advice. Wishing you both all the best whatever she decides to do. flowers

ThatIsNachoCheese Sat 06-Jun-15 18:43:35

Op, I know exactly how you feel.
My dd's boyfriend did this when they were together, she didn't tell me until they split up. She told him what he did was wrong and the next thing she knows is everyone at school says she has made up being raped.
She had a hideous few months at school and they were pretty shocking at dealing with it, choosing to remove dd from class instead of the bullies.
She decided in the end not to report him, due to what she would have to go through and because, quite frankly, the little fucking shit would have got off.
All I could do was bang on to the school and point out their shitness and report the online abuse to the police. All of the people doing it were spoken to.
I never thought I would not want my dd to report something like that, but you don't know until you're in it. She had had enough, I couldn't have seen her have to go through that too.
It makes me feel sick that he got away with it though.
I got my dd some counselling through CAMHS but would have gone to rape crisis if we didn't have that option.
DD is so much better now, all of this happened about 7 months ago. If you want to PM me please do. Good luck to you and your dd flowers

ThatIsNachoCheese Sat 06-Jun-15 18:44:41

Please do get on the college. Quite frankly I would want people who are bullying your dd online to be threatened with being kicked out of college. It's upsetting how cruel teenagers can be.

Mopmay Sat 06-Jun-15 18:51:26

It's 100% rape. She said no and is now devastated. She had lost something she didn't want to loose in this way. Police too

Mopmay Sat 06-Jun-15 18:54:30

I was a rape victim - it has huge effects on self esteem, social confidence and relationships if you don't get the correct support. I may sound a bit harsh but the best thing she needs now is people supporting her and believing in her.

MagentaVitus Sat 06-Jun-15 18:57:47

100% rape. That boy has raped your daughter. Rape doesn't have to be a brutal attack. I'm so sorry that his has happened to your poor daughter flowers

Aside from the legal stuff, I'd get her to a GP. Support her emotional and mental wellbeing in the coming months. Make sure this doesn't destroy her.

olisue Sat 06-Jun-15 22:43:21

Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your stories. My daughter has spent some time with friends this weekend and their support has made her feel stronger. We are going to the college next week to tell them what has happened, and she is now considering telling the police. But she will make that decision after we've been to rape crisis. I still can't believe this has happened. She already has a history of depression and anxiety so this could set her back.

Thanks again flowers xx

Mopmay Sat 06-Jun-15 23:10:47

Please keep a close eye on her. Depression and anxiety are common symptoms. PTSD is also often experienced

ThatIsNachoCheese Sun 07-Jun-15 11:19:21

That's really good that she has the support of some friends. That was something my dd was lacking.

My dd did get very depressed after it all but there was no self harming when there had been before. CAMHS weren't all that great tbh.
Good luck to you both flowers

AnastasiaBrown Sun 07-Jun-15 14:42:01

OP - watch this video. It describes CONSENT very clearly. It sounds like your daughter did not give consent.

flowers for you and your DD.

sherbetlemonD Sun 07-Jun-15 16:26:06

No advice for you OP- just wine for you and lots of cake for DD. All the best.

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