I don't know who my daughter is anymore

[HormonalHeap]

I've always tried so hard with open communication with my dd 17 with regards to sex, drugs and alcohol. I've always told her she can come to me in trouble and I will help not judge.

I've recently found out she regularly smokes weed with her friends, as do "all her crowd". But I was relieved when she told me recently that she had tried regular tobacco and it just made her feel sick and she assured me that's one thing she wouldn't be doing.

Caught her driving off with a fag in her mouth this morning at 7.45am fgs. She's obviously desperate and completely addicted to be smoking at that time.

Her capacity for lying to my face hurts so much, but not as much as knowing what she's doing to herself with the weed and smoking. Moreover, she's announced she's off on a drugs weekend to Amsterdam with two girlfriends, paying with her own money and there's 'nothing I can do'.

Divorced from her dad who plays no part in her life and smokes himself so no joy there. Have the support of my dh but we're both out of our depth, feel like the worst parent ever.

Are there any wise ladies out there who have successfully come out the other end?

[mumof2kidz]

Does your DD pay any board for living in your home? If not, you should start making her pay towards the upkeep of the home as if she can afford to drive, smoke cigs and weed and a holiday to Amsterdam, then she should be helping out towards the house.

Also, try and find out how Dd is getting cigarettes. She's 17 so how can she getting hold of them? Also, are all the girls going on the holiday 17 or is there an 18 year old as some holiday companies dont let 17 year olds travel unaccompined. She shouldn't have just booked a holiday without your permission as she is still a child in the eyes of the law and living under your roof.

good luck

[spillyobeans]

It may be a phase of doing it, as shes saying 'im doing this and theres nothing you can do' it makes me think that shes deliberately trying to prove that shes grown up and can make her own choices (she maybe sees your caring as being controlling and stopping her from living her life - totally not what your doing but is the thought process of a teenager!). I know i acted like this when i was about 15/16 and thought i was sooo grown up etc...looking back i cant believe i acted like that!

Rather than trying to stop her doing stuff/sabotaging holiday (which realistically would be really hard to do plus make her so angry to push her away)have a conversation with her where you say something like "i know i cant stop you doing xyz, but just know that im only acting like this because i care for you and sometime in the future you might not want to do xyz and i will always be here for you no matter what that choice is." - hopefully she will get the message that your intentions are caring, and although she may carry on doing stuff for a while hopefully she will come to her own conclusion that its a bit stupid.

[HormonalHeap]

Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply. Dd doesn't pay board as she's a full time student. She is using her savings to pay for the Amsterdam jaunt with two 19yo girlfriends. She says she gets given cigarettes and weed by friends but I can't believe anything she says. If I give her say £10 to buy lunch, for all I know she's getting crisps and using the rest to smoke.

She knows my intentions are caring, but she just doesn't want me to care. I stupidly told her she reminded me of her dad (my ex), to which she replied that I should have been more choosy who I had kids with. Fair enough! Feels like I don't know who she is anymore and find that sad.