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DD(14) only pleasant to me when she wants something

(22 Posts)
MyballsareSandy Tue 02-Jun-15 09:02:48

She has changed so much in the last few months, completely obsessed with her online world - youtube bloggers, instagram, facebook. I try and limit it and get her to do other things, she studied very reluctantly during half term for end of year exams, not enough though.

She did go out with friends a couple of times, she has lots of friends and seems popular.

I'm struggling with her attitude towards me. I seem to piss her off constantly, I can be bright and breezy and ask her to get off the ipad and help lay the table or empty the dishwasher and I just get an eye roll or a stroppy snappy reply. There is literally no conversation between us - I ask about school and get another eye roll and get accused of nagging and firing questions at her. I ask about friends and she's stroppy.

However, the moment she wants a lift or some money or anything else she's sweetness and light. I'm torn between clinging to these chinks of light and telling her to shove it and make her own way there until she can be more pleasant on a more regular basis .... but that would be childish presumably.

I can't hug her, she goes all stiff and tells me to back off, says I'm weird.

She's not like this with DH, but he doesn't get as involved in the 'do this, do that, you need to revise, you need to eat, you need to go to bed at a reasonable time".

I miss her, she used to be such great company, is it just a phase? Feel really down this morning after another morning of her barely concealed contempt of me. sad

Gymbob Tue 02-Jun-15 14:59:13

yes, it's just a phase! unfortunately though don't expect her to come out of it any time soon!

mine is the same, selfish, manipulative, lying, lazy, moody, snappy, rude, but lovely when she wants something. she spends all her time in her room on her devices, taking selfies, doing hair and make up. spends 25 pounds on her bf birthday and 2 pounds on me.

I bought a brilliant book off amazon and it came yesterday. it's called something like ' The amazing teenage brain'. it's so good I'm going to give it to my teen to read when I've done. it explains why they have to behave like they do and why their room has to be a shit tip grin

Gymbob Tue 02-Jun-15 15:02:24

it's called Blame my Brain, by Nicola Morgan x

MyballsareSandy Tue 02-Jun-15 18:50:51

Thanks Gymbob, I'm going to order that now. I definitely need some insight into this behaviour as I don't remember being like that at all .... although I suppose my mum may disagree and now she has dementia so unlikely to be able to tell me!

She's been ok so far this evening, but that's probably because she has a friend here and the friend is lovely and chatty to me so DD would probably be embarrassed being rude.

ChillySundays Tue 02-Jun-15 20:32:32

It is a phase but as Gymbob says it will be a while.

I used to be scared to even breathe sometimes incase I did it in the wrong way

My DD came fully out of it at about 18 ish. Now she talks to me and we even go out for lunch!

timetosmile Tue 02-Jun-15 20:36:21

Also a book called 'teenagers' by Rob Parsons. It even makes you feel genuinely fond of them again!

Gymbob Tue 02-Jun-15 20:40:03

you made me laugh Sandy grin

the book also says that most parents have amnesia as they don't think they ever behaved like their teen.

unfortunately, I think I'm one of them grin blush

RobynClare23 Wed 03-Jun-15 14:44:18

Myball your original post is a perfect description of my DD14. A month ago I would have just said o teens can be a pain and would have sympathised with your frustration as I have been going through exactly what you describe. However, a friend of my DD committed suicide and in the emotional fallout from that we have taken custody of her phone over the last month. I have to say that I am shocked at all the misery, angst, obsession with weight and self harm chatting/websites etc that girls this age are involved in. The chat was amongst ALL the girls in her circle, which is a good number and none of them would appear on the surface to be concerned with such things, it seems to the 'fashion'. We are very involved parents and seem to have steered two boys safely through the teen years so I thought I knew where DD was at. I didn't. I can now see clearly that all that nasty pushing us away stroppy stuff was because she was hiding from us her 'online' life. Every parent I have spoken to about this in the real world has the same complaint that girls this age are obsessed with their phones, without the absolute tragedy of a young girl taking her own life I don't think I would have taken such apparently 'invasive' measures, Removing and looking through her phone. DD actually seems relieved to now be out of the endless pressure of constant communication with her peers while not communicating with her family. And she is actually being quite a lot nicer to all of us. I would encourage you to keep trying to get her to talk to you, I know how hard it is to be sympathetic to a teen who is being absolutely horrible to you personally but she might be lost in some internal struggle and doesn't know how to tell you.

pasanda Wed 03-Jun-15 20:08:10

I agree with Robyn.

My ds took two overdoses 3 weeks ago. He had been embroiled in a huge amount of text talk about self harm, suicide, depression, misery and angst. There is a group of 8-9 of them. He is one of only 2 boys within the group.

The day after his overdose when he was still in hospital, I had control of his phone. I was waiting for 3.15pm when school was out and lo and behold, the texts started coming. These friends had known about his overdose the night before (he had posted a picture of the pile of tablets and vodka he was about to ingest - and yet not one of them chose to tell an adult hmm believing that they could support him through his angst) and seeing as he was not at school the next day, they had no idea if he was alive or dead. Then came texts such as 'for God sake ds, reply to …, otherwise she will 'commit'' 'This is going to set off a suicide chain' 'we need you', 'we can't cope without you' etc

We called the police and they visited all the dc within the group, at 2-3am in the night. Their bubble had well and truly been burst.

OP, you said 'completely obsessed with her online world' and Robyn said

I can now see clearly that all that nasty pushing us away stroppy stuff was because she was hiding from us her 'online' life

^^ this.

Just be careful…. I am now extra vigilent about ds's mobile use. Any hiding away in his room for hours on end is not allowed.

Sorry if this seems over the top and not relevant at all, but if it makes any other posters think about their dc's online world then good

Gymbob Wed 03-Jun-15 22:08:42

yep, agree totally. another side completely to their teenage lives.

my DD self harmed sufficiently a couple of weeks ago to warrant a visit to A &E. it gets worse every time. we're doing camhs and the rest of it. also serious problems with social media, it has to be monitored and she has restrictions on usage. no overnights in bedroom etc. police involved and ongoing. bloody nightmare sad

MyballsareSandy Thu 04-Jun-15 09:39:17

God how awful, so sorry to hear your friend's DD Robynclare and your son Pasanda.

I was actually thinking along these lines last night after hearing about that poor missing 13 year old hanging herself. Do we really know what is going on with our teens these days, prob not. Such a different world.

I do have access to her phone and ipad, I know the passwords and if she changes them I confiscate it, so I do regularly flick through texts, emails, facebook, instagram. Haven't seen anything of much concern other than pouty selfies and a bit of swearing but of course she could be one step ahead and be deleting stuff. What does concern me though is snapchat as it disappears and I know she spends a lot of time on that. I can't see who she has chatted to as their name remains, but not the photo or conversation. One of them is a boy in her year who was making inappropriate sexual comments to her at the start of secondary school when she was 11, we had to have meetings with head of year etc.

I've spoken to DD about this boy and how he really isn't a very nice lad, and we don't want her 'chatting' to him on social media etc. I know he's got a soft spot for her, but she just laughs and says they are friends, she would never go out with him as a boyfriend, and says that he doesn't send anything inappropriate, but who knows. This is all so difficult. We can only keep talking and talking I suppose but this is sometimes tricky as DD will refuse to engage or walk away. Hopefully some of it sinks in, particularly if I'm in the car with her and she can't get away.

She doesn't take any gadgets to her bedroom at night, she has to leave them downstairs. We started this a long time ago and I'm very glad we did as I think it would be much harder to instigate now. Also her bedroom doesn't have wifi - she keeps moaning about this, asking for us to get a more powerful router, but I'm not going to, particularly after reading all this. At least if she's on her ipad she's in the lounge with us and not shut away upstairs.

Another plus in DDs case is that she has a twin sister - her sister is the complete opposite of her, no trouble as yet, very chatty and open, even tempered and easy going - they are in most of the same lessons at school and have some mutual friends. I know that DT1 would tell me if anything was going on at school that shouldn't be or if DT2 was hanging about with the wrong crowd etc.

Thanks for your replies, this is all very useful and interesting. Didn't realise this parenting of teens would be so difficult ... and there was I thinking twin toddlers were hard work grin. I'd love to go back to those days, but perhaps I am wearing rose tinted specs!

MyballsareSandy Thu 04-Jun-15 09:40:12

Sorry Gymbob, meant to say hope your DD is ok, must have been quite bad to warrant a trip to A&E.

RobynClare23 Thu 04-Jun-15 10:11:48

Gym bob and pasanda so sorry to hear about the nightmare you are both facing with your teens. Thank you for sharing, as Pasanda said if it even makes one mum more vigilant.......

OP - just remembering that DD when was initially very hysterical and upset she keep saying that she hated herself when she was nasty to me but that she couldn't help it because she was so upset and anxious about everything - I suspect your normally lovely DD is not happy with herself re how she is treating you, especially if she has a twin who is behaving well. There is such a huge list of things that potentially are difficult for a teen. I agree, bring back the Terrible Twos, much more manageable than this!

RobynClare23 Thu 04-Jun-15 10:16:13

Meant to say that I think snapchat is a complete disease, teens think it is very transient and then post unwisely not realising that the recipient only has to screen shot and they have it for good.

Also, many teens have more than one account in each of their social media, one you as parent gets to see and the real one. A month ago I knew none of this!

Electrolux Thu 04-Jun-15 10:23:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slippersmum Thu 04-Jun-15 12:32:20

I just have to say I do not know what I would do without this thread!!! In the midst of my teenage nightmare years its a shinning ray of light as we all unite and support. As I live with the anti christs manifesting in the body of teens it is such a help to know I am not living this alone.

Anyway, just wanted to share that! smile

pasanda Thu 04-Jun-15 18:38:16

Amen to that Slipper!!


Gymbob Thu 04-Jun-15 20:34:45

Yeah - snapchat - I just don't get it. Surely they only use it to send dodgy stuff as it disappears?? I banned it but she just left it a while then reloaded it. And FB - over 2000 friends - don't get that either.

And the fake accounts - that's called catfishing isn't it? anyway, she's doing that too, apparently they're all doing it.

I was half serious when I suggested a no screen day once a month yesterday. She was almost hysterical at the mere thought of it. God I'd love to do it but don't know if I'm brave enough.

I think we should have a mumsnet no screen day together, for all our little darlings grin

RobynClare23 Fri 05-Jun-15 23:31:25

No screen day sounds good to me! Or what about a campaign that under 16 no phones after 9pm? After all, the real pressure for us is that they say 'but everyone has their phone in Their bedroom overnight'. If we could instigate a UK wide norm that under 16's don't have access to their phones after 9pm would we not be helping ever young teen in the land?

Gymbob Fri 05-Jun-15 23:42:07

absolutely! we already have a curfew of 9pm on school nights, and she hates it as she says nobody worth talking to is on line til 10.30pm. I turned off the WiFi at 11.30 tonight, which is very generous for me, but then she didn't get home til 8.15pm.

MyballsareSandy Sat 06-Jun-15 09:39:24

I didn't even think about fake accounts!! How would I know if she had these?

Last night she refused to watch a film with me and her sister, but she was in the lounge with us, with her legs draped over me, so I guess it's sort of meeting me half way?

She was watching Pretty Little Liars on her iPad, another obsession.

Gymbob Sat 06-Jun-15 23:17:28

she has quite a few email addresses I didn't know existed. in her emails I found details of websites joined using the new email addresses with different names, normal names like Laura Smith. she then posted on the sites using her alias. well sneaky eh?

she can use these aliases to bully, sympathise, or just join in various chats anonymously. she has also used the alias to be provocative and to wind people up.

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