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Disapprove of daughters friend

(17 Posts)
peppercorns3 Sun 24-May-15 11:41:53

I know it is not 'pc' to disapprove of my daughter's friend (13) but I do and am having difficulty knowing how to handle it.
At first this girl just rubbed me up the wrong way with her over confident strutting but I have since found out that she is sleeping with her boyfriend and drinks.
Whilst I 99% trust my daughter not to do these things, she is very private and doesn't share much with me ( unlike my other daughter!) and so it is hard to know. This girl also seems to be quite possessive and likes exclusive friendships so I am worried that if my daughter sees less of her other friends, her perception of 'normal' and 'what everyone else is doing' will become based on this girl.
In a moment of despair and panic I told my daughter that I wouldn't allow a druggie or shop lifter into my home and as far as I'm concerned sleeping with boys and drinking at 13/14 is immoral, illegal and dangerous so although I can't prevent her seeing her at school, she is not welcome in our house.
my daughter told me I am horrible and judgemental. Maybe I am, but I don't know what else to do, particularly as my daughter is very closed and not a talker.
Have I handled this all wrong and if so, how do I put it right??!

VixxFace Sun 24-May-15 11:48:29

Have you met the girls family? Do you know anything about her as fact?

You do seem judgemental.

peppercorns3 Sun 24-May-15 12:03:19

Messages on social media about her boyfriend and thinking she was pregnant and pictures of her with beer cans in her hand....

nequidnimis Sun 24-May-15 17:48:42

I wouldn't be happy either but think you've probably just made it 100 x more likely that your dd will want to continue this friendship.

Personally I would keep her close - if they're at your house you know where they are, and may be able to influence the situation or at least get a firmer grasp of what's going on.

I wouldn't attach too much store by facebook - that could be bragging or attention seeking, though it's worrying that she sees those things as cool.

mumsharingknowledge Mon 25-May-15 15:59:54

Hi peppercorns3
It is not too late to sort out your daughter's issue.

Not to appear too judgemental, your DD's friend is not the type I would like my DD to associate with. The activities on facebook might have been done as harmless fun, but still it shows what she is capable of doing.
Your daughter might not see this, but the reality is, she could put herself into unnecessary trouble through her association with this friend.

I have written more about whether we should choose out teens' friends on my blog:
mumsharingknowledge.wordpress.com/

Hope the information helps.

peppercorns3 Mon 25-May-15 19:04:55

Thank you mumsharingknowledge, I have always said that my daughter's completely non- judgemental nature is one of the things that make her a lovely person. She is one of those who genuinely only ever sees the good. I feel sure that her friendship with this girl is not about rebellion, and she says she is a great friend despite these negatives ( which dd acknowledges are not good).
Unfortunately, as a mother, I think part of my job IS to be a little judgemental sometimes.
I worry that even if my daughter isn't influenced by her, others ( who, I guess, are more judgemental than she is) will taint her with the same brush and she will loose out on other friendships and opportunities because people believe her to be a particular sort of girl.
I know I can't choose her friends, but until she is 18 I think it is part of my job to guide her when I think her judgement is poor or might have a negative effect. The problem is I know I get too over emotional and panicky about it, but don't know how to stop without fearing I'm letting her make mistakes she might not be able to put right!!
I sometimes with I could fast forward 10 years, see what happens and then come back and enjoy her teenage years safe in the knowledge it all turns out ok in the end!! confused
Just think, I've got 2 more to go through this with!!!wine

mumsharingknowledge Tue 26-May-15 20:38:52

Your right to feel anxious about this. At the end of the day it depends on how emotionally strong your DD is. If she is strong enough to resist being influenced then that's okay. But if not, then slowly she can start being drawn to that behaviour.
Maybe she needs to start hanging around and surround herself with friends who share her aspirations and always aiming high in life.

mumsharingknowledge Tue 26-May-15 20:40:35

You are right to feel anxious about this. At the end of the day it depends on how emotionally strong your DD is. If she is strong enough to resist being influenced then that's okay. But if not, then slowly she can start being drawn to that behaviour.
Maybe she needs to start hanging around and surround herself with friends who share her aspirations and always aiming high in life.

MagentaVitus Wed 27-May-15 20:33:07

I was with you until you wrote to be a particular sort of girl.

Eurghh.

peppercorns3 Wed 27-May-15 21:37:41

Thank you for pointing out that I haven't put things in exactly the right way. Who was I to know that I had to know exactly how to put things to ask for advice and support!!

MagentaVitus Wed 27-May-15 21:41:44

I just found it really sad that you've put your daughter and this girl into 'good girl' and 'bad girl' categories, when really we all operate in shades in-between.

You've taken an instant dislike to this girl and written her off - if you trust your daughter's judgement at all (which I don't think you do) you'd be making the effort to view her friend in a less judgemental way.

I'd also have more faith in my daughter to make her own decisions. But I don't think you have that either.

peppercorns3 Wed 27-May-15 21:47:03

Perhaps I am not the judgemental one here. If you want to make to make 'good parent' 'bad parent' judgements please make it about someone else.

MagentaVitus Wed 27-May-15 21:48:02

I'd also like to point out that whilst drinking and having underage sex are generally poorer choices, they do not make you a terrible person or write off your future. I did both of those things under the legal age limit for being allowed to do so, and went on to Cambridge, marriage, top job blah blah blah.

You're making a very harsh decision based on very little knowledge.

Why don't you remove the ban (that frankly, is pushing your dd closer to her) and actually get to know the girl before making your mind up?

Though if I was her, I doubt I'd want to get to know you. Climbing uphill from the position she is currently in won't be much fun.

MagentaVitus Wed 27-May-15 21:53:32

It would be a bit rich of me to suggest you were a good or bad parent, when I've just commented on your use of good and bad categories for children?

Obviously... as I've just said... we all operate in shades in-between.

Thereinajiffy Wed 27-May-15 22:01:50

I think people are being very harsh on you here OP. After all, they wouldn't be saying these things if you were posting about your DD having underage sex and drinking.

It is only natural to want the best for your children, and I can't see how you are in the wrong to not want your DD exposed to this at just 13!

She is incredibly young, and however much you trust her, children can all be influenced! So OP, I'm with you on this one!

My advice is, it probably wasn't a good idea to say those things to your DD. But I think you know that.
Sit down with your DD and have an honest conversation. Tell her that you trust her, that you know there are lots of good things about her friend and you just don't know her well enough yet.
But at the same time, if she (DD) were doing those things, you would be very upset and disappointed. Tell her that parents do worry about their children and the choices they might make, because parents can't control them. Tell her that she is free to go out and make her own mistakes, but remind her that she has been raised to make wise decisions. Most importantly, apologise for the harsh words said about her friend, and encourage her to talk to you if she ever has any questions.

Your DD will appreciate the honesty from you, if not right now then certainly in the future.

I hope things work out well for you OP.

Kewcumber Wed 27-May-15 22:10:51

Personally if my DS has a friend like this I'd much rather they were at my house than out somewhere else where I couldn't keep an eye on things.

What did you hope to acheive? Now you will have no idea whats going on and your DD won;t tell you because you openly disapprove of her friend.

I'd talk to your DD and apologise for being judgemental and say its because you were scared by her facebook profile and try to reel it in a bit.

textfan Wed 27-May-15 22:30:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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