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14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

(521 Posts)
lincolnshirelassy Tue 05-May-15 12:53:02

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

fieldfare Tue 05-May-15 12:59:47

Honestly, anything stern like preventing them from seeing one another openly is a bit like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted. It will result in her shutting down and definitely not discussing anything with you in the future.
You've obviously had the chat about legal age of consent etc.
I'd be accompanying her to the dr's and asking for the injection. She must still use condoms though and explain why to her.

lincolnshirelassy Tue 05-May-15 13:02:39

Yeswe went through the legal age stuff, she knows it's illegal, she also is smart enough to realise it's rare or the law to be applied in situations like hers.....I've told her she must still use condoms and she said she would, she seems clued up but still, my little girl!

fieldfare Tue 05-May-15 13:04:59

Yeah. It's a bit eek isn't it.
My dd is nearing 13 and I dread this!

Madratlady Tue 05-May-15 13:09:30

She has been open and honest with you, asked for you to go with her to get the pill. She has a boyfriend not one night stands and they are being mature and sensible. Why change anything? It is a bit young, but banning visits to the boyfriend etc will just push them to be sneaky and shut down communication with you.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 05-May-15 13:16:32

Why have you encouraged her to do this?
i don't understand why you wouldn't have stopped this by not giving her the opportunity.
I disagree with Mad

Any of my dc sexually active at that age would not be going out with them again and there would be no opportunity to go behind our backs.
I don't think its mature at 14 to be having sex, its under age and irresponsible tbh.

DrankSangriaInThePark Tue 05-May-15 13:19:52

Sense and condoms and lovely open mother-daughter relationships aside, I'm afraid the long-term psychological implications and the fact that out there is an older male who had been fucking my barely teenage daughter would have me saying a damn sight more than "eek".

I'm frankly astounded. Not just at the OP, but at the replies.

lincolnshirelassy Tue 05-May-15 13:21:22

I understand what you're saying morethan but really is shutting her away, making her so miserable she no longer communicates with me and at the same time making her feel ashamed of herself really the answer? As mad says she's in a relationship, with a nice lad we know and trust and it seems to have been a considered decision. I certainly don't intend to provide any opportunities for them to be doing it but I don't think I should ban her from leaving the house either

Whitershadeofpale Tue 05-May-15 13:28:06

There doesn't have to be long-term psychological implications though. I lost my virginity at 14 to my 16 year old boyfriend and I've never regretted it at all. We loved each other and were together for years afterwards, there was no pressure at all and I wouldn't have felt any different at 16 in terms of maturity.

We used protection and I've never even had a scare, it hasn't led to me being promiscuous and if I had a daughter, although I'd prefer it if she found herself in that situation at a later age I'd much rather she was younger but with the right person and in the right situation then just doing it because she'd reached an age when everybody else was doing it.

lincolnshirelassy Tue 05-May-15 13:31:56

thank you whiter that makes me feel quite a bit better. They have been together a year, and she's known him for three or four years, so they haven't rushed into it and there doesn't seem to have been any pressure on her from his part. It still makes me feel a bit sick but I'd rather keep her close so we don't lose the good relationship we have at the moment

morethanpotatoprints Tue 05-May-15 13:31:59

Lincoln

I don't think she should be made to feel ashamed of herself as accidents happen.
However, I would be helping her to see that it was wrong at her age and that it was my job to protect her.
If you allow it to continue then you are encouraging it, by not stopping it.
Sometimes being miserable is part of learning that some things aren't good for you.
I'm not suggesting you ban her from leaving the house, but a lift back and to from a friends house etc is a good way of deterring the relationship.
At this age she should be doing homework and having a nice group of friends she goes out with, not shagging her bf. Sorry to be so blunt.

lincolnshirelassy Tue 05-May-15 13:34:43

Drank I don't get what you mean by psychological implications quite frankly. She's not being abused. She has discussed this and decided she wants to do it. I also really don't like the way you've spoken about it, I think the use of the f word was quite unnecessary!

DrankSangriaInThePark Tue 05-May-15 13:38:34

According to the law, she is. Unless he thinks she's over 16 of course. hmm

But I didn't mean that. I meant the multitude of threads we see on here with women talking about how much they regret having sex when they were very young.

And seriously LOLing that someone allowing something like this to happen goes off on one at me for saying fuck. And for the record, I don't like the way you talk about it either.

How does her father feel about it?

lincolnshirelassy Tue 05-May-15 13:45:10

Actually the law allows a 'close in age' exemption as I understand it, so whilst yes, she is technically breaking the law the chances of it actually being applied are fairly remote.

She lives with me and her step-dad, her step-dad is pragmatic about it like me.

DrankSangriaInThePark Tue 05-May-15 13:54:51

I know the chances of it being applied are next to nothing.

I don't mean to be harsh, honestly, and I'm not saying that this sort of thing is rare, or won't happen to naice girls or anything like that.

I guess what I'm saying is that I would be reacting a lot more than you seem to. You seem almost, well, "it was bound to happen sooner or later so...."

But you've got it sorted, seemingly and everyone is happy so....

Daneel Tue 05-May-15 13:55:57

She isn't breaking the law - she's risking a pregnancy she's too young to cope with. He's the one breaking the law by having sex with a child. Close in age would usually mean two fifteen year olds. Boys have been prosecuted for two year age gaps - and so they should be.

Muddymits Tue 05-May-15 13:56:06

Maybe it's not ideal but I also had sex at 14, partner a few years older but a great guy and we were very equal in terms of our relationship. We went out for years and the respect and love set me a great template for future relationships. The sex was fantastic, I can't imagine I will ever have then time, imagination or energy to repeat half of it and I have no regrets.

Contraception, belt and braces is a must though... Injection or implant if she is open to them as condoms and the youthful and most fertile are the most likely to fail.

You know my mum would have sworn I had no opportunity ... She was plenty wrong.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel Tue 05-May-15 14:04:29

Her boyfriend could get into serious trouble for this. If as you say he's a nice lad is it really fair to both of them to let them risk it for the sake of a quiet life?

lincolnshirelassy Tue 05-May-15 14:05:24

I'm NOT happy about it...I'd be mad if I was..BUT I am trying to be realistic, and the reality is a lot of teens are sexually active, mine is, and whilst I am not going to hand the opportunity to her on a plate I think it would be foolish to accept they won't carry on doing it if given the chance and that getting her on contraception is a realistic approach.

She'll be 15 in three months and he'll still be 16, there is less then two years between them, I know that doesn't make it ok (or legal) but I wonder if people are reacting this way because of the age difference, would people feel more comfortable if it was two 15 year olds, despite the fact that that would only be a few months older than my daughter, but still illegal????

Fleecyleesy Tue 05-May-15 14:09:40

I do not think you can prevent the sex as some have suggested, particularly if they are at the same school. The relationship appears to be a healthy one and therefore I think I would allow this to continue but make sure that she understands how to be extremely careful. If she goes on the pill, condoms are still absolutely essential at her age. I would also make sure she understands her cycle but not to use it as contraception!

I'll give you an alternative scenario to people regretting early sex - when I was 18 and went off to university 3 hours away, I was a virgin. So were all my closest friends. Everyone desperately set about shagging ASAP. The downside being less thought was given to who we were shagging because we were so desperate to do it. Sex/lack thereof was the first question 2 of my (female) friends asked me in freshers week in halls.

Knottyknitter Tue 05-May-15 14:10:54

On a practical level, contraception is definitely needed.

I'd suggest she looks at
info on nexplanon as likely to be suggested by Gp/c&sh clinic. Longer term, can't forget and not affected by d&v etc

Fleecyleesy Tue 05-May-15 14:11:10

Oh, plus I remember 2nd and 3rd years being extremely predatory towards freshers and playing "fuck a fresher" immediately as we arrived.

happygirl87 Tue 05-May-15 14:13:34

You CANT prevent them having sex- unless you ban her from parties/friend houses and collect/deliver her to school each day. Believe me, there is always somewhere if they are determined. I think you are doing right to be pragmatic now it has happened, just keep reiterating points about safety and consent- she must ever feel pressured into doing anything she doesn't want to.

Behooven Tue 05-May-15 14:16:18

I don't think my response would have been EEK

Reginafalangie Tue 05-May-15 14:18:36

I think you have done all you can OP. You have supported your DD and although she knows you are not happy with her choice she does at least trust you and can be open with you which is always a good thing.

You know your DD better than us randoms on here and if you feel she is happy with her decision and has not been forced into having sex then you are respecting her choice.

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