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dont know how much more i can take.

(27 Posts)
ghostspirit Mon 20-Apr-15 18:55:09

i have been having some problems with my 17 year old daughter on and off for a while. some of it is typical teen stuff. some of it feels like its more than that. shes at college 2 times a week. she would pick the kids up from school 3 times a week. and clean kitchen for me. in return she got money for lunch at college. 10 pounds a week. and her phone bill paid. if she has somewhere she wants to go/do i will give her extra money. the kitchen is never done properly. i let her have her boyfriend stay over more or less when he/she wants. can be a few times aweek.

my house was a bit messy. not really bad but needed sorting out and cheering up. over the past 2 weeks whilst heavely pregnant (im single) i have moved heavy things empied rooms pulled old carpets up laid new ones put everything back in the rooms. i have also painted. without any help. although my 12 year old helped a bit. no one wanted to help at all and did not seem to care about the pain i have been in.

sometimes i have spent hours cleaning just for people to mess it up again. one example i cleaned kitchen top to bottom. at 3am it was tidy. i got up later and it was a mess again. and that was because my daughters boy friend had eaten and just left mess. he stays here alot and eats in my house. and he pays nothing...

my 17 year old is always aguing/fighting with my 4 year old. the 4 year old does bug them abit when they first come in house and it causes an agument. but it comes down to the 4 year old gets excited when they come in. rather than say hello to the 4 year old in a positive way. there ends up being an agument... if 4 year old gos near her room 17 year old starts shouting or having ago at her.the 17 year old talks to everyone like poo. but seems worse with the 4 year old.

I have now started maternity leave. so i wont need the 17 year old to pick the kids up. im at home most of time now so wont need much help at home. although i do believe i should still get help as we all live here...

I gave birth to my son yesterday afternoon (sunday). at home. i had said to the kids can you answer me if i call you because it really hurts my stomach if i have to shout. all the kids were in my room. looking at new baby etc. i was getting really bad pains in my stomach. i was trying now to cry and it was really painful. the 4 and 17 year old started winding each other up. i asked the 17 year old just to stop and let the pain pass. i told her im in to much pain and i cant cope.she still carried on. i had only given birth about 3 hours before this... 17 year old then started shouting saying she was going to stamp on the 4 year olds face. i told her she was very self centered. she said she hates everyone in this fucking house and stormed out... i just left her to it... i messaged her later to see where she was. she was at her boyfriends work. she started sending positve type messages about how they might offer a job there... i asked if she had thought about how she had been she said she had over reacted.... i left it at that.

this morning got up everything fine. she went to college quite happy. her boyfriend then started messaging me asking if she gets a job will she still have to do house work... i said she would. then he was going on about theres not disaplin in my house and why should she help if shes working..then i had the 17 year old messaging me saying well he does have a point...

im now at the point of i dont know how much more i can take. i feel very hurt that she can act that way within a few hours of me giving birth.

i called my gp this afternoon but she was not about to talk to.. i dont know why i was calling her really all i know is i cant take anymore

ghostspirit Mon 20-Apr-15 20:02:15


Joyfulldeathsquad Mon 20-Apr-15 20:10:28

shock oh op here's s a (( )) hug.

Congratulations on you new baby.

Things sound tough at the moment and you need support.

Firstly I would stop your daughters boyfriend from staying. He has no right at all texting you about chores your daughters has to do. In your position I'd probally ask your dd to stay with her bf to give you a bit of peace.

I have a 19 year old dd and around 16/17 we really butted heads but I never stood for any shit and I don't think you should. Is there any one that can come and stay to help you?

Joyfulldeathsquad Mon 20-Apr-15 20:12:00

I'm really bloody mad on your behalf ! angry

pinkyredrose Mon 20-Apr-15 20:15:56

Can your kids dad help with the DC and house? Maybe 17yr old feels like she's taking on a housekeeping role she didn't ask for?

Congrats on your new baby!

ghostspirit Mon 20-Apr-15 20:16:57

no.there is no one... but i have now banned the bf from my house.only done that this morning... and im looking into if there is any sort of help for if i tell my daughter to leave. not sure if i would really do it. but i can at least try get some info.

titself Mon 20-Apr-15 20:17:23

It's very hard to advice since, I know from experience, it's easy to say how to manage teenagers but much harder to actually do it. You have just had a baby and she is behaving in a pretty dreadful way. The boyfriend has massively overstepped a line.

Do you have any support from your ex or a grandparent? If the BF texts you I would just text back that it is none of his business or not at all. Tell your DD the housework is what it is, and if she doesn't like it she won't get her pocket money.

Write a list of the jobs she has to do and only give her 1 week's money when all the jobs are done.

I'm so sorry she's behaving like this at this time, it must be quite overwhelming.

I hope you're enjoying this time with your baby

Joyfulldeathsquad Mon 20-Apr-15 20:28:56

Would she listen to you if you sat her down and told her how your feeling?

I would contact your HV tomorow and see if she can offer somthing.

How are you other children getting on?

ghostspirit Mon 20-Apr-15 20:30:55

all other kids are fine...told her how i feel she does not care

fannyfanakapan Mon 20-Apr-15 20:46:20

Im glad you have banned the BF staying over. Id also stop the BF coming round to mooch your food.

Id cut your DDs allowance - at 17 she is old enough to get herself a job, especially if she is only at college 2x a week. My DD is 18, but has had a regular job in a high street store since 16, plus she does waitressing through an agency. Earns around 300 a month working weekends, attends college 5x a week.

Certainly her attitude about her sibling is appalling. No child should have to live in fear of their sibling. Id be telling her to leave - she can go live with the BF. But if she wants to stay with you, she needs to pull her weight around the house and stop terrorising the little one.

ghostspirit Tue 21-Apr-15 11:17:32

thank you for replys... im waiting on gp to call me back see what support/advice i can get.

i rang shelter and they said if i kick her out then social services have a duty to make sure she has a form of accomadation because shes 17. i have told my daughter this. she said she wants to do it with her bf whos 18. it which case they wont get help because they would have made themself homeless.

so we are at she needs to get a job and save about 2000 for rent and deposit.

she does not know yet that im going to stop paying her phone bill and shes not getting anymore money from me...

there is food at home for her meals and hot water for baths/washing clothes...thats all she gets from me

Joyfulldeathsquad Tue 21-Apr-15 11:27:14

Morning ghost you sound a bit stronger today. flowers

Yes to pushing her to get a job as my dd has worked since she was 16 too so there are jobs available.

It's really hard as you want to do what's best for them but on the other hand how much do you take before you come to crisis point and snap.

If you or your other children become unsafe from her I would show her the door immidiatly.

How's are you and your new baby doing?

ghostspirit Tue 21-Apr-15 12:25:35

we are all doing ok. 17 year old stayed at her bf house last night. they dont often allow it. i don't know whats going on tonight. part of me hopes she stays there again. i also told her if they go out and he brings her home he leaves her at the gate. i dont want him in my house. and her reply was hes not a disease. i just think after past couple of days and that i can be treated like that within hours of giving birth has really hit home how she has no respect for me what so ever. think thats what hurts the most.

Joyfulldeathsquad Tue 21-Apr-15 21:32:20

Hi ghost . In glad your taking a stand . I bet you had done peace last night has she come back?

I moved in to my own place at 16 with dd1 so when she was given a very clear choice. Be respectful or mive out. I think as single mothers we can tend to do to much or over look bad behaviour.

I'm glad your feeling in a stronger place flowers

ghostspirit Wed 22-Apr-15 13:44:18

thankyou joy i have said she can come back but she is to follow my rules. and i have told her i dont want him boyfriend here for a while as i need some space.

they are talking about saying sorry to me. but she told me bf wants to say hes sorry but dont see the point as i wont let him in the house. and if i wont let him in the house then how can they proove things can change... im finding it hard to explain to her that if someone really is sorry then they will say that and mean it...but its coming across like they are not really sorry but will say it if it means bf can come back in the house....

fannyfanakapan Wed 22-Apr-15 21:17:37

How many chances do you give them? This is a time when you are vulnerable and tired and recovering from a major life event, and you should not be stressing about providing for another adult and clearing up after him.

Id accept the apologies but stand firm for at least 3 months until baby is starting to settle. If they don't like it - tough. You have no obligation to him. And she is old enough to support herself in terms of pocket money.

This may be the wake up call they need. The BFs parents dont have an issue with kicking them out the house, and nor should you. They do not have any right to co-habit in your house.

ghostspirit Thu 23-Apr-15 10:23:34

indeed fanny i think the problem is i have been to easy going. i have tried to parent in the same way my dad did. but it does not work because i would never have acted how my daughter does anyway lets hope things can change i just have to stand my ground.

does feel like its pick on ghost week though sad i feel like something that should have been special got ruined because of what i put in my op..

i then contacted a friend to say i have had baby she sent me really nasty/horrible messages back. sad

fannyfanakapan Thu 23-Apr-15 12:02:07

I think you should immediately post a picture of your squishy newborn, so we can all coo and cluck broodily and tell you how bloody marvellous you are for creating a brand new human. grin Its a wonderful time, dont let the selfishness of youth ruin a beautiful moment with the baby and your 4 year old.

mathanxiety Sat 25-Apr-15 04:04:51

Don't get involved in playing games about apologising.

Wash your hands of the BF. He is not allowed in your house. End of. And you do not want to hear any more from him, or from your DD on the matter, right?

Tell them to shove their apologies. Don't get sucked into that game. All they want is for you to cave and let the BF back in and then they will walk all over you again.

Tell your DD to hurry up and get herself a job if she wants adult privileges like a phone or a boyfriend and that you are no longer supporting her beyond what the 4 year old gets -- food, roof, heat, hot water -- since she has chosen to behave like a 4 year old.

I am really shocked at what you said of her behaviour right after you gave birth. There can be no comeback from that. She needs to grow up.

IhavenevermetAnthonyHead Sat 25-Apr-15 04:20:08

Why did your 'friend' send you a really nasty message after your birth announcement? confused

paxtecum Sat 25-Apr-15 07:32:14

I have sympathy with you all including the teenager.
Maybe she feels that she has lost her Mum to the four year old and the new baby.

It must be very hard to have a baby on your own and not have the practical help and support of a partner or parents. Your DD is a teenager and for her own reasons doesn't want to give that support to you.

ghostspirit Sat 25-Apr-15 12:31:36

pax its more to do with the timing of things...what she done was very wrong.. and no one with any consideration would stand there whilst their mum is in alot of pain and threaten to stamp on a 4 year olds face.

i spoke to gp. gp said what she done was wrong and although shes a teenager she knows right from wrong and that was wrong.and shes soon to be an adult she told me to stop mothering her let get on with it. if shes living under my roof she follows my rules.

she came in night before last... crying and screaming at me telling me she dont have to tell me a thing...last i knew is she had accepted what i had said about my rules and things. so i had no idea what was going on. turned out i had written on my fb silly cow with her stupid comments... instead of asking me what it was about she went on a mad one. when it was actually about the comments that the so called friend had made about me having a baby...

whilst she was at her was very odd :/ in one way she was sending me messages like she knew what she was doing and she does not need me. and they were angery sort of messages... then she would say i have had these clothes on for 3 days oh and i got no money..

when she got home she told me about the food she was not impressed. said they had given her sludgy pasta and a chicken burger on the top and it was digusting... and that bfs dad had kept saying what you doing here piss of...

bf mum had told her she could stay there for ever as she dont want to see her on the street... so i got a message of daugher saying she will come get her stuff all sweary type messaging. then she added bfs mum said she can stay for ever... i replied thats funny because she just said you can stay till friday and her reply was....oh

anyway its a time thing now. see how things go and make sure rules are stuck to

fannyfanakapan Sat 25-Apr-15 15:24:59

tough love required.

"These are the rules, if you dont like them, go live elsewhere. "

Shes a grown woman near as dammit. Cut the funding, make her do jobs around the house, if she doesn't do them or doesn't like it - see rule 1 above. Stand firm on the bf situation. He is a disrespectful child. You owe him nothing.

Theoldcauliflower Sat 25-Apr-15 15:44:31

I would get her to get a job and probably ask her to move out, she's taking the piss!
And her bf sounds seriously rude to text you about the chores!
I think your house would be a lot more chilled out if she wasn't there.

ghostspirit Sat 25-Apr-15 16:06:11

theo when she is not here there are not any problems. if there are then they are every day silly things.

she says she wants to move out i have told her she needs to do it in a positive way. ie get a job save for deposit and leave on good terms.

and yes there were a couple of sarky comments about bf not being allowed in told her to get out if she dont like it.

i dont really want her to go.. shes my daughter but things also have to change... one thing she did say was shes scared our relationship will become like mine and my own mothers... we dont talk.

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