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Sink to their level or be a mug?

(33 Posts)
Number42 Mon 20-Apr-15 10:05:49

Most weekday mornings my dd14 asks me for a cup of tea when I am making one for myself as she is sincerely convinced that she has no time to make one for herself. I don't mind that, but I do mind that she is a typical lazy slobbish teenager who never clears up and never does anything for anyone else in the family. So I am torn between which of two important lessons to teach:
a) When you do something nice for me, maybe I'll feel more like doing something for you but until then no I won't make the tea.
b) We should be nice to people without expectation of reward so yes I will.

FriendlyLadybird Mon 20-Apr-15 10:19:40

Don't you offer her one anyway when you are making one for yourself? The 'lesson' I would teach is that you always offer drinks to everyone in the room. If you do it, it means that she will (perhaps with the occasional prompt) make one for you when she's making for herself.

SecretSquirrels Mon 20-Apr-15 10:24:18

Always b)
Love is not a balance sheet. You setting a good example will be better for her in the end when she transforms back into a human being grows out of this stage.

Number42 Mon 20-Apr-15 12:49:52

I agree love is not a balance sheet. I am influenced by my family history in this though. My mum was definitely on the make the cup of tea side and I don't think I ever appreciated it or learnt any lesson from her generosity; whereas I'm hugely grateful that, when at the age of 16 I complained about her serving the same dishes over and over again, she suggested I learn to cook if I wanted more variety. And I did and it was really useful.

BackforGood Mon 20-Apr-15 21:40:42

Sounds like a bit of fuss over nothing.
Habitually - wherever I am, not just at home - if I'm putting the kettle on I'd just ask around if anyone else wanted one. Doesn't everyone? confused

Tbf, none of my dc drink either tea or coffee, but they will all make me one if I ask, and are all trained to pop the kettle on and offer, if anyone calls round.

pilates Tue 21-Apr-15 05:44:26


clearsommespace Tue 21-Apr-15 06:22:29

In this example, B. But if it's a different kind of service perhaps insist that dc pull their weight first.

HSMMaCM Tue 21-Apr-15 06:26:07

Maybe you could do a deal where you make her a cuppa in the morning and she makes you one when she gets in from school?

Hakluyt Tue 21-Apr-15 06:27:02

"typical lazy slobbish teenager"

Lazy and slobbish is not typical for a teenager.

AlternativeTentacles Tue 21-Apr-15 06:27:59

But you have parented her to be a lazy slobbish teenager...surely if you wanted her to make you tea you would have taught her that from an earlier age?

Beloved72 Tue 21-Apr-15 08:43:03

Alternative - if one of your children is selfish and one is hard-working and helpful where does that leave you on the self blame front?

Georgethesecond Tue 21-Apr-15 08:45:44

Make the tea with a smile in the morning. See if she will make it so you can have a cuppa together in the afternoon. Teenagers aren't at their best first thing.

pasanda Wed 22-Apr-15 17:33:15

rolls eyes at Hakluyt's comment hmm ...

Ragwort Wed 22-Apr-15 17:37:35

I would make the tea because it would ensure less mess in the kitchen.

Making a quick mug of tea when you are already making one is hardly onerous, I also have a 'typical, lazy, slobbish teenager' (yes, they do exist Hak grin) but for every ten nice things I do he does at least one so hopefully he is learning something ..................

SoupDragon Wed 22-Apr-15 17:43:38

B but I would comment that it would be nice if they sometimes did something for me. <<glares at typical slobbish lazy teenage dragons>>

Lunaballoon Wed 22-Apr-15 17:47:59

Do you have teenagers AlternativeTentacles? I'm guessing not hmm

Floggingmolly Wed 22-Apr-15 17:48:12

If you have one that isn't, Hak ; I suggest you have them stuffed and mounted in a glass case. Their like will probably never be seen again.

Hakluyt Wed 22-Apr-15 17:51:32

I either have two that aren't- or extremely low standards!

Seriously- I hate the demonisation of teenagers.

Orangeanddemons Wed 22-Apr-15 17:55:18

I thought most teenagers were lazy and slobbish. It kind of goes with the territory....ours were anyway. Now they are delightful considerate adults

Whiskwarrior Wed 22-Apr-15 18:00:35

I've got a teenager. She's not lazy and slobbish. I've raised her better than that.

Self fulfilling prophecies springs to mind here.

SoupDragon Wed 22-Apr-15 18:25:08

Or, you've just been lucky. I thought I was a great parent when I just had DS1.

Whiskwarrior Wed 22-Apr-15 18:34:40

I'd buy that if DD was my only child but she's not. As the adult (the only adult) in my house I have certain expectations of my kids. Laziness and slobbish behaviour aren't acceptable because it's expected of teens.

I know quite a few people with teens who aren't lazy or slobbish. It's like saying teens are rude/uncommunicative etc. What, all of them?

I don't buy it.

chocoluvva Thu 23-Apr-15 12:00:10

Saying that most teenagers are lazy and slobbish isn't demonising them it's accepting the research into brain development which appears to show that the 'rewiring' of the teenage brain temporarily results in a decreased ability to be aware of the needs of people around them/have consideration and to be aware of the consequences of their actions.

Demonising teens IMO is criticising them for posting endless selfies or experimenting with their new-found sexuality and expecting them to over indulge in alcohol/drugs or slam them for aspiring to have the same material advantages when they become adults.

mathanxiety Thu 23-Apr-15 20:54:42

Me neither Whiskwarrior.

specialsubject Sat 25-Apr-15 15:09:52

If teens have a decreased ability to be considerate and to associate cause and effect (great -that's why I was such a brat); help them work it out, don't just accept laziness and filth as natural

fortunately my parents didn't.

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