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16 dd pregnant, self harms and has an eating disorder. Help...

(12 Posts)
budgetblues Tue 03-Feb-15 13:05:32

Just found out dd is 6 weeks pregnant by her bf of 6 months. She's 16, he's 17. Not surprised, could see it happening as have had lots of problems with her for the last few years.
She self harms and restricts her eating to 600 calories a day and exercises, although has made an effort lately to eat, but still eating nowhere nearly enough. She won't talk about her issues with us, don't know why its all started. We ask, she just stares straight at us and shrugs her shoulders. Its so frustrating!
Her bf also self harms and has a drinking problem, although I don't think his drink problem is as bad now. They both have suicidal thoughts as well. BF has just started counselling.
DD has got a youth support advisor who works with her on a weekly basis and has got an appointment with a psychatrist next week. We feel shut out from the professionals she talks to as they speak to her directly over the phone and appointments are sent in her name. Because of patient confidentiality we don't get to know. She's very immature, not organised and forgets to go to appointments or turns up late and she doesn't take information in easily. She never tells us about these appointments, we only find out by chance. Don't know where to turn!
She wants the baby but won't talk about it with me and avoids the subject. DH and I are trying to be supportive and talk to her about living arrangements but she won't talk. We're worried about social services getting involved as well.

ThePartyArtist Tue 03-Feb-15 13:25:54

This sounds very complicated... can CAHMS help, if only to advise what you should do (rather than break confidentiality by talking to you about her case)?

bigbuttons Tue 03-Feb-15 13:28:59

sounds like a nightmare.
|I think it would be best for all if ss did get involved. Infact I would phone them myself. Your daughter and unborn child need support. Especially the unborn child.

cadidog Tue 03-Feb-15 13:33:37

This may not be what you want to hear but in this case SS being involved is a good thing. Your daughter and boyfriend are clearly vulnerable and may well need support to look after your future grandchild, the sooner that support is in place the better.

It must be so frustrating to feel like you're on the outside but at 6 weeks pregnant there's still time for living arrangements etc to be sorted. Not everything needs to be resolved today so maybe give her some kind of timeline to gather her thoughts and obviously let her know that you'll be there, ready to listen, whenever she's ready.

claraschu Tue 03-Feb-15 13:33:54

I know you aren't supposed to say this, but I would rack my brains to think of any way I could to get her to consider an abortion. Six weeks is very early, and she could have a medical termination.

Dancingqueen17 Tue 03-Feb-15 13:37:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

budgetblues Tue 03-Feb-15 13:42:37

She's got her first doctors appointment tomorrow since she found out she was pregnant. The doctor already knows her history. Just concerned as what may happen with regards to her age and pregnancy in this situation.

ISolemnlySwearImUptoNoGood Tue 03-Feb-15 13:49:51

She will be advised of the effects that her eating disorder could have on the baby. And probably will need to be under a specialist midwife or a dietician. She will need extra scans. Probably be under a consultant. I would have thought that given her medical history, they will be well involved and may even require ss to be involved.

budgetblues Tue 03-Feb-15 13:53:42

Me and my DH would prefer her to have an abortion as we believe that's the best option. She can't take care of herself let alone a baby. She's adamant that she wants this baby although I'm wondering if deep down she really does want it because of the way she's acting. Her bf is adopted by a couple who are ministers so are devout christians. He doesn't want what happened to him to happen to his child.

sebsmummy1 Tue 03-Feb-15 13:56:05

It seems totally ridiculous to me that (I assume) she is living under you roof and you are trying to support her, yet are being shut out of any professional conversations.

Are you able to attend the doctors appointment with her? I would suspect SS will want you to be actively involved in raising the child if both your daughter and her boyfriend have eating disorders, self harming, alcohol abuse between them.

I really feel for you. Sounds extremely stressful sad

budgetblues Tue 03-Feb-15 14:05:06

DD and bf want to move out and get a place together. He will be 18 in July. We moved house 5 months ago so we now live 125 miles from her bf, they stay at each others house every couple of months. His family are moving to London in July because of their work, another 100 miles away. They're both at college atm. She's in her first year of a 2 year course. His doing a 1 year course that finishes in July. His parents are telling him to move up here sooner. I don't agree, think he should finish his course and where's he gonna live. They're expected us to put him up. Not sure we can financially afford it. Have 2 other children 11 & 9. DH is the only one working atm. I'm currently looking for work, wanted to get everyone settled up here before starting work. I agree ss would be for the best. Just wondered if they would take the baby off them when its born. We're worried that we will have to take parental responsibility for it which obviously will affect us in a big way.

budgetblues Tue 03-Feb-15 14:19:42

The system is crazy. She had an appointment with a psychiatrist for next Monday which me and DH was going to take her to (the letter was addressed to us). They phoned her yesterday to say they couldn't do that day anymore and arranged a day and time with her. Neither of us can make that day now! Why couldn't they contact me? She gets to choose if she wants us there or not even if we take her. She received a letter from hospital for her booking in appointment yesterday addressed to her. I opened it regardless. Went looking in her bedroom and found a piece of paper with the appointment date and time on it, so she must have spoken to someone directly over the phone to book it. If I hadn't opened that letter I wouldn't have known about it as she never told me. Will put letter on her bed for when she comes home from college and see if she talks to me about it as she has 6 pages to fill in. She doesn't know all the family history. Doubt it. Can't believe given her age and mental health they would send appointments directly to her!
I'm going with her tomorrow to the doctors and I'm going in to share my concerns. I only hope I don't get asked to wait outside which usually happens.

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