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15 yo dd sneaking 18 yo BF in to house what should I do?

(15 Posts)
iknowimcoming Fri 30-Jan-15 16:42:05

Dd is rarely left alone in house at least not for any great length of time but yesterday while she was home alone her 18 yo bf was secreted in for half an hour (until the time I indicated I would be returning). Will try to keep it brief but not drip feed, he is not officially/publically her bf and they only physically see each other in school (he's in sixth form) their relationship is purely via messenger, Skype etc and she will not admit anything about it to us, although we haven't said anything to indicate any particular disapproval. I only know about him as we have had problems with her talking into the night with him and have had to restrict phone/internet access to curb this.

To be honest I don't know how to feel since if she had asked me if he could come round I wouldn't have a major issue with it so I guess it's the deception I have a problem with mostly and worrying if it will lead to more lies and deception in the long run. She's a bright girl and I'm as sure as can be that it will only having been kissing/cuddling at most and I'm not really bothered by that as I was a 15 yo girl once too, I'm more bothered by the secrecy and why she/they feel the need to be furtive or is that just fuelling the excitement?

The other thing is I've seen some of his messages pestering her for photos of herself in leotards, and a conversation with one of her friends about how he has a fetish for leotards (him wearing them) with a photo (no face and anonymous of a boy in a leotard from Instagram which appeared to be him but I'm not sure). I have spoken to her extensively about not giving photos etc and being careful on facetime etc because screenshots can be taken and she seems to be saying all the right stuff about being sensible etc but I'm worried all the same. Where do I start with this without driving her more into secretive behaviour? Help!

chocoluvva Fri 30-Jan-15 17:38:40

She was probably too embarrassed to ask if he could come round if she's hoping that their relationship is going to become a bf/gf one. Or, if he already is her bf she maybe doesn't want to tell you because she's embarrassed at telling you. Perhaps she thinks you'll react in an 'embarrassing' way. Or maybe she thinks you won't let him come round.

How did you know he was at your home btw? And how do you know about the instagram photos/messages? I'm not surprised that she's trying to reclaim some privacy if you read her private messages!

She will only be more open if she's confident that you're not going to make a big deal about it.

Teens these days have much more detailed awareness of things to do with sexual activity than we do and they like to show off by demonstrating to each other that they know all the words (IYSWIM). You won't find out anything useful by looking at her messages as you don't have all the info and they aren't intended for you.

I feel for you. It's difficult parenting teens, especially the 14-16 stage IME.

iknowimcoming Fri 30-Jan-15 17:55:43

(Nosey) neighbour spotted him coming and going and it was obvious before I went out that she was up to something (she actually hung up her wet towels and put her laundry in the basket) as she was persistently nagging about what time I was leaving returning etc and had been questioning me about being out the house for a few days beforehand. I don't actually read all her messages and can't anyway but I have seen some in the past as we had been keeping an eye on the time she was messaging iykwim so just snippets of messages (I seriously don't have time to read all that!) and the leotard thing caught my eye.

Reekypear Fri 30-Jan-15 17:57:08

She's underage. He's an adult.

iknowimcoming Fri 30-Jan-15 17:57:55

She's had boyfriends before and we haven't made a big deal of it. I will talk to her and explain I don't have a problem with him, but the sneaking about/ lying isn't on I guess sad

iknowimcoming Fri 30-Jan-15 20:00:44

Well that went well hmm

Apparently it's not lying as I didn't ask if he was coming ..... I really can't talk to her at the moment as I feel so upset with her attitude, really sad sad

nequidnimis Fri 30-Jan-15 20:03:16

I think that's all you can do OP, let her know that she didn't get away with it and that the secrecy isn't on.

I would be worried about the age gap too. At my DC's schools everyone laughs at the guys who go after the younger girls. 3 years wouldn't seem like much at 19/22 but it does now. But then I don't suppose she'd stop seeing him at your request, so you just have to set ground rules.

And I wouldn't be complacent about them just kissing, or about them exchanging photos, because some of DC's friends are up to stuff that you wouldn't suspect if you knew them, and I know their parents are oblivious.

nequidnimis Fri 30-Jan-15 20:09:03

Sorry OP, I hadn't seen your update when I posted.

I'm sorry your conversation didn't go well.

My advice would be to make sure you don't turn this into a situation whereby they're star crossed lovers and you'll never understand the potency of their lovegrin

She needs to think you understand, approve and are supportive even if it kills you, but stand firm on the lying; she knows she's talking crap about it not being a lie.

iknowimcoming Fri 30-Jan-15 20:17:58

Thanks nequid, the whole star crossed lovers thing is what I'm really trying to avoid so I'll try again later

Heyho111 Fri 30-Jan-15 20:18:36

You said if I'm right that you wod let him round if she asked. Well there you are .... That's why she's sneaking him in because realises this would be the case. You disapproving makes him much more desirable. The age gap is fine. Why you don't leave her on her own at all or for such a tiny length of time is a little strang to me. You need to be building independance into her growing up. You have an air of anti growing up / letting go even through you say you were 15 once. I might be getting this wrong as it's only a snap her have relationships. That's fine. The leotard thing is probably showing off the body without being naked rather than kinky. But yes don't allow her or suggest she doesn't send photos. But let her play at relationships. We can't go from nothing to an adult relationship. We need to practice it , get it wrong, then get it right.

iknowimcoming Fri 30-Jan-15 20:37:24

I said I wouldn't have an issue with him coming round! Also the dc are left in the house alone regularly, not for hours on end but more often than not ds (13) is here with her as well, didn't explain that fully perhaps

chocoluvva Sat 31-Jan-15 11:02:40

Is she nearly 16? The age gap would concern me.

However, a relationship is unlikely to last long at her age.

SunnyBaudelaire Sat 31-Jan-15 11:04:30

tell her that age is just a number but so is a prison sentence. lol

Mrsjayy Sat 31-Jan-15 14:20:10

It is only a 2ish year age gap not huge dd was going out with her 18yr old boyfriend at 15 (they are still together 5 yrs later ) op 15 yr olds are cagey at the best of times sorry the conversation didn't go well id be annoyed at sneaky behaviour too it drives me daft but as long as you say your friends are welcome to the house.

DropYourSword Sat 31-Jan-15 14:29:20

I was 15 when I started dating a 19 year old. We were together for 6 years. Firstly it doesn't automatically mean they are having sex becuase they are dating. You've said yourself you don't actually have a problem with him coming round. Think about this another way, does she have to ask permission every time she brings any friend around? If so, and it's a normal house rule, then I agree she's being deceptive. But if not, then you can't really argue to her thats she's being deceptive for not following a rule that has previously not existed! Like you say, creating a star crossed lovers scenario will just make things more intense. I wouldn't say my parents were happy I was dating a 19 year old at 15, but they didn't actively forbid it or do anything that would make me rebel against them. I think it's far better to let her know he's welcome round but spell out the house rules you expect, whether that's bedroom door open or advance notice etc.

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