Sons and Dads???(11 Posts)
My DS is 16 (17 in March) he is a good lad we have had no trouble with him, but his dad (my husband/ still together) Although I know loves him dearly doesn't give him much attention and can often be very negative, although I have tried to speak to him about it and am always trying to be the calming inbetweener. I am really finding it hard at the moment, my DS says he hates his dad and will make faces behind his back and threaten to leave home. Does anyone have any advice. I realise the problem is mainly with his dad but I can't see him changing and now its a case of he can't do anything right in my DS's eyes.
I think this will resonate within many families. Our DS is 17 and has a poor relationship with DH. So bad we once sought help from a child physiologist who is apparently a leader in his field. I was really surprised when he didn't see that much wrong with our dynamic. You can't view his interaction with your DS through your eyes because you both play different roles.
Possibly you think he is a good kid, but he is openly rude at home. Perhaps this annoys your DH. In any case, I don't know what your family life is like and don't want to presume, but I do think men come up against each other at that age. Don't get in the middle. If he hates your DH, thinks he's an idiot, etc. blah blah. Whatever. It's the same for all of us with teenagers. Being respectful is an important skill to learn and unless his self-esteem is suffering and if your DS has had a solid, loving background he is probably fine, I would form a united front with your DH and push for the priorities you both believe in.
You need to set boundaries that work for you. For me, making faces behind DH's back would be outside these boundaries, particularly if you're not pulling him up on it, which would mean by default that you didn't think he was far wrong and giving him carte blanche to get one over on him.
I really sympathise - have been there.
I have two teenage boys (one 12 so not yet a teen officially) and from speaking to others this is normal.
In our family I see it as my husband sees the boys as competition , my son is as big as him now, better looking etc etc. added to this the male hormones and LearNing curve, what is right and wrong as an adult!
I get very angry myself as my do is so transparent asserting he is the man of the house, I often find it pathetic but then I feel sorry for him and understand he's probably jealous of our sons and the life they're going to begin!
Also the boys are complete mummy's boys who I would bend over backwards to help whereas I wouldn't necessarily do it for my do.
I know I've spoken to other. U s who find that it is normal and you have to accept parts of it.
I'm sorry i wasn't really clear, the conflict is on both sides that's what I'm trying to say to you .
Not in my house.
DH has always had a loving relationship with both boys. He will bend over backwards to do stuff with them and they are very appreciative.
I wonder whether in some cases it's male macho competitiveness? DH is a gentle and kind none macho type and so are the DSs
Thank you, I do agree with you about jealousy, I also believe that with them they both want me all to themselves!!!
But I am extremely grateful to hear your comments it really does help not to feel alone - and as I do not have many friends with teenage children.
It could be a king lion battle going on. It's really common that when the son reaches adolescence it causes the father to strut his stuff and try to keep his alpha male roll. The son starts to try and subtly try to become king pin. Both parties don't realise they are doing it. Dad downs his son. Disingages with him and argues with him. Dad will either complain to wife about him or refuse to talk altogether about it. Son is sarcastic, opinionated. Condescending verbally or vocally. They will also be passive aggressive. Eye rolling, body stance. Lots of complaining to mum and threatening stuff.
They both react to you to try to get you on their side. Who gets you is the stronger male.
They both won't realise this is happening and will think your daft for thinking it. Stand back and try to watch them as a show rather than in the middle of it. You'll start going omg yes look at this and that they are doing. In a few years hopefully they will regain their relationship but as adults not adult and child. Good luck
I saw just a hint of this a couple of years ago, it really threw me and upset me. No answering back at all from DS, it was all purely on DBH's side, starting to complain about costs of things, lights on, food eaten, work made for us etc. Yet DS was still at school and a really helpful boy, loved dearly by DBH. My solution at the time was to haul out all the photos of him with his dad and remind him of those times when he would have killed to protect him. DS loved seeing the photos too. DS is now at uni and they are the best of friends, even during the past 6 weeks when they have both been here for four of them.
Madein Kent's idea sounds like a great way of improving their relationship, alternatively OP would your son and husband agree to do an activity together as a way of bonding.
The father and son relationship does nt have to be characterised by tension, and I do nt agree that you should just wait for things to get better.
I think the father needs to examine his behaviour, but the son needs to as well. Face pulling is nt very mature and he must know this.
I'm not convinced the problem is jealous or an alpha male thing, it could be they feel they did nt get enough attention, or just kicking off against an authority figure.
The face-pulling behind his dad's back is presumably an expression of disagreement made instead of being openly confrontational.
It's hard when DC are old enough to realise their parents' faults, but not yet mature enough to accept that all parents have their faults and begin to view them as people rather than just a parent. (IYSWIM)
I agree it's pretty common - it's the 'alpha male' / only one lion in the pride' thing going on... establishing dominance.
It is another phase
They do come out the other side.
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