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Really worried about DD .

(15 Posts)
lucydaniels4658 Sun 25-Jan-15 10:23:03

I know a certain amount of slobbing round being grumpy is pretty run of the mill but DD has changed beyond all recognition.
She used to be soooo chatty and very sociable . In fact it was difficult this time a few months ago as she was out 24/7 had loads of friends went for sleepovers and to parties nearly every weekend . She was also very open with me spent all her time at home telling me all about x y or z !
Fast forward a few months she barely ever leaves her room when she does its either for an argument or a request to buy something or another from the net. She has given up all her hobbies and prefers to spend 24/7 on facebook/instagram etc.
She goes no where now . She won't come for a day out with me she cancels going out with friends saying "CBA" . She has attempted a couple of sleepovers but has requested being collected by 10 saying shes ill.She has friends here its always the same two who get ready in the morning and leave to do something DD cba to do!
At school she is very disruptive and non compliant and is very aggressive in the way she speaks to staff.She feels they are trying to get at her all the time as am I so any request is met by her temper same at home. She doesn't chat to me anymore and gives one word answers before being irritated and getting back to her room.
I am the worst mum ever at the moment as I won't allow her boyfriend to sleepover but "everyone else is allowed" he is allowed over lots but I will not allow a sleepover.
I just want her to be happy again and do something occasionally I can't force her out ! Last night she sulked all night as all her friends were at a party and wouldn't come to our house but she cba to go to party herself!She sees CAMHS but as many of you know the process is terribly slow.
I'm not sure what to do in mean time apart from worry!

TeenAndTween Sun 25-Jan-15 11:10:26

how old?

lucydaniels4658 Sun 25-Jan-15 11:19:12

Missed out that crucial part she is 14 in year 9.

TeenAndTween Sun 25-Jan-15 11:47:57

Sorry nothing too constructive to add.

I would suggest
- removing mobile / ipad / whatever except limited times
- making pocket money dependent on behaviour

But as she is seeing CAMHS maybe that would add fuel to the fire?

No way would I let 14yr old's boyfriend stay over.

Getting her to do exercise (somehow) may help.

lucydaniels4658 Sun 25-Jan-15 12:10:46

Thank you. She has no interest in pocket money as she doesn't leave the house to spend it! So she has quite a bit saved .
I have tried and tried to get her to exercise but she won't and says "you must think im fat if you want me to exercise" no matter what i say it is turned into me trying to make her feel bad about herself. She is like a broken record with her boyfriend sleeping over I won't back down but all i hear is "You must think im a slut.Nice to know my mum thinks that of me and won't trust me.You wonder why I'm insecure" .
It is a very testing time and I have no idea what to do !

Loopness Sun 25-Jan-15 20:15:15

Poor you, you have my sympathy. It is such a difficult time with know easy way to deal with it. Hormones are a dreadful thing and unpredictable. Hope you can both get through it. Try to keep communicating even though she may be horrid to you, teenage girls can do that to you (i have 2 of them) she will be your best friend again one day.
My dd2 had us all walking on eggshells around her. The slightest remark from me caused sparks to fly. She never wanted to go to school, wasn't eating, self harming and arguing with everyone. I actually decided to take a tougher line and not let her be cheeky to me and get away with it which i think helped because she needed that firmness. Try taking away phone/tablet or what ever she holds dear as punishment when she is rude
I spent many a night lying awake worrying about her but
we have definately turned a corner now though, she is 16.
About the boyfriend sleeping over i was really weird about that too and didn't let him stay for a while. But he stays over most weekends now (he is only 15) but thought well if they are going to have sex they may as well be at home. Took her to the doctors for contraception of course.
Think communication and honesty are key. Good luck! It wont last forever.
I have my dd3 to go through it yet.

liveoutloud Tue 27-Jan-15 05:14:05

OMG reading these posts it feels like there is some kind of epidemic going on at the age of 13-14. My dd is 13 and I am going crazy over her very similar behavior. She is not leaving her room, not socializing and spending whole day on Instagram. Mind you she has also started cutting and her posts are very depressing often talking about suicide. What do we do guys, how we survive this?

Pantone363 Tue 27-Jan-15 05:53:55

GET RID OF THE INSTAGRAM.

Cutting, self harm, teenage depression is epidemic at the moment. It's very much the "in thing" for teen girls. These are in the first 5 results I got for #cutting on Instagram.

Self harm glamorised with hash tags of #teenager #pain #depression

Post after post of depressive quotes, pics of scars, razor blades, broken hearts and nobody understand me.

It's a bloody plague

bowbear Tue 27-Jan-15 08:39:35

Sympathies from me too! My DD 14 has been a nightmare and it looks set to continue for the foreseeable future. It is very hard to enforce boundaries when there is no leverage. One thing I have learned over the last year is that no matter what DD does I need to be steady and strong throughout (whilst she is around - I do plenty of sobbing when she isn't!) She is currently lying in bed and refusing to go to school again.

I completely agree with you about not letting the boyfriend sleepover - definitely stand your ground on that.

I wish I had more words of wisdom for you - good luck x

lucydaniels4658 Tue 27-Jan-15 16:54:58

At least i'm not alone ;-) .Most people i know with kids say "oh no we don't have those problems our are pretty good try hard at school help around the house etc etc" and I think shit I'm clearly doing something wrong!
She is currently packing her bags to leave home "forever" as I have again said no to her bf sleeping over . She does this most days but never gets as far as her bedroom door . She is also texting me from her room to tell me how much I must hate her to make her so cross oh and I am having a rare night out which obviously means "I never cared about her" baffled !
I love her but treading on eggshells every day at the moment as every night is a mission to guilt trip me to get her own way it won't work but she is bloody relentless and I've heard of nothing else for weeks. She also wishes so and so was her mum which hurts a bit but hey ho!

anthropology Tue 27-Jan-15 18:37:57

I'm not sure what camhs are offering,as I know provision is worse than ever, but have you thought of an ed psych assessment (WISC 4) as well ?. This is the age where the nature of school work changes , and its common that hidden dyslexia, asd or memory processing issues can reveal themselves (in my DDs case through depression) in kids who have done very well in school previously, who suddenly find it harder to cope but don't know why.

lucydaniels4658 Tue 27-Jan-15 19:37:50

Funnily enough she is being assessed by ed phyc in March as her levels have not progressed since primary and its hard to tell if there is a learning disability or her behaviour is stopping her progress .
CAMHS are slow but DD refusing any input from them or help from teachers at school.She is awaiting formal diagnosis for a long list of possibilities ADHD ,ODD and generalised anxiety disorder. However i doubt DD will enter the room que more waiting. I just hate the whole emotional blackmail thing she does every bloody day!

Loopness Tue 27-Jan-15 20:52:32

All you can do is stay strong and stand your ground. Good for you going out too its so easy to forget to look after yourself and the whole situation is very hard on you emotionally.
strange that dyslexia is mentioned as that is the case with my DD and i know that her self confidence took a dive when she was diagnosed and she does find school difficult. This came out in her being very angry but as i said she seems to have turned a corner now. Got her GCSE's coming up and she does seem to be coping not too badly.

lucydaniels4658 Tue 27-Jan-15 21:14:20

I know Its quite consuming.This is my first night out in a year and I'm being guilt tripped ! How do you cope with the "I'm leaving home I can't live with you your horrible etc" I'm never sure whether to go with the softly softly "Don't go darling" or b) ignore or c) play along "If thats what you have decided ....."
Also did your DD accept help from staff at school? I find it so frustrating that she has this defensive stance and will not allow them anywhere near her to get the help she needs?
I know its a bloody hard time for them but its hard to remember that when they are spoiling for a fight 24/7.

Idiotdh Tue 27-Jan-15 23:35:33

I haven't got exact same experience but did have a trying dd in her teens...a lot of pester power for bf to stay over etc and have her own way coupled with mean comments when that didn't happen.
It's pretty horrible but its also obvious that you are not the problem, just she is having a go at you because she wants you to fix everything and going on at you is the way she thinks she can let off steam and maybe feel better.

I would advise just positive tone and treat her as a slightly exasperating niece... Repeat' I have already discussed this issue and said no..don't keep bringing up the same issue and asking the same questions.'

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