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Is this normal??

(10 Posts)
Faithope Fri 16-Jan-15 17:35:39

Ok so this may be long so please bare with me..

DS1 is 16 years old. He works full time (I did anther thread on keep) and lives at home with me mum, dad and baby brother (soon another baby is going to be arriving).

DS1 has a female friend that he knows from school. Now here's where my 'issue' is. DS1 is close to the mother of this girl, he has her as Mumsy 2 on his phone which I will admit, hurts.

DS1 and I have always had a close relationship as I bought him up alone for 7 years. We chat and I am only 36 and feel like a young mum still. He knows he can chat with me about anything at anytime. Yes things are harder now that he has a brother and my time is taken up more by his brother but I always make time to ask how his day went, whats the latest gossip etc.

DS1 is spending more and more time at this mothers flat and even told me he was leaving home to move in with her and her 3 girls and boyfriend (into a 2 bed flat owned by the council) which I put a stop to as I said I would phone the police if he did. He had no reason to leave except that I have rules and boundries, this mother doesn't. She was going to charge him for living at her flat. I did speak with her and told her as an adult she should be discouraging a minor not to leave home, not encourage.

Now DS1 had an Acute Absence Seizure causing acute confusion on Monday and was hospitalised as a result. We had no idea he had this condition until he turned up at school on monday (he left last year) and was found wondering the grounds. He thought it was 1998 and he had forgotten who his family was. Amongst other things. He has had an array of tests-MRI,CT Scan, Lumber Puncture and EEG done over the last 3 days. He is at home in bed recovering with a very bad headache from the lumber puncture.

My OH saw this mother at the hospital and assumed (rightly or wrongly) that she was there to see DS1 even though we hadn't told anyone except family that he was there. I calmly and polity asked that IF she was there to see DS1 then please do not, as he is in a confused state and until he was well, I rather see stayed away (the same as we told family). She claims she wasnt there to see him.

She replied that I was a paranoid parent, that i was to 'check myself' and to let DS1 be trusted and stop controlling him. Not anywhere in that reply did she ask why DS1 was in hosptial??

I again, calmly asked her to respect my wishes as his parent to stay away and not contact him.

I found out that yesterday DS1 had phoned her to tell her how he was as he was getting lots of confused texts.
So today I yet again said that she should have asked me first before speaking with him as the confusion from monday was still there in places and he needs to rest and get well.
Again my parenting skills were battered.

Then to top it off, My friend who has passed away from a brain haemmerage just after Xmas, her son and my son were best friends when growing up and I had him texting me with lots of questions about DS1 and worrying himself silly that DS1 was going to die in the same way as his mum!! I had not told him for this very reason yet this mother took it upon herself to tell her daughter who then told DS1 friend whos mum had passed.

I am livid that this woman is trying to parent my DS1 and sticking her nose in when I have asked her to step back. DS1 needs to recover, is it too much to ask another mother to respect this??

He is a minor and still my responsibility to parent him the way I see fit.

Am i wrong??

Heyho111 Fri 16-Jan-15 19:33:45

Wow this is terrible.
The reason I think your son talks to this woman is because she isn't his mother. However great you are you still have rules etc and your sons development at his age makes him naturally move away from you.
Put that aside she should not encourage it. Some of my kids friends say stuff like I wish I had a mum like you or I can really talk to you. Their parents are great. They can talk to me because I am not their mum so not emotionally involved. And I tell them this. Also my kids look at them like they are idiots because they would rather talk to their parents which they do sometimes.
She really needs to back off your son. She is being selfish and stupid. She thinks your son talking to her is someway making her a better parent to you. She is wrong. Very wrong. A teens brain is making them be independant. To do this it makes them feel their parents are embarrassing, feel hatred towards them and anger.
There is a Q and A at the top of this thread. I would copy this into it. You need professional advice on how to deal with this woman. I would even be inclined to ask for legal or pice advice on it. She is not being appropriate.

Heyho111 Fri 16-Jan-15 19:35:21


Faithope Fri 16-Jan-15 20:40:31

Thank you I was worried I was being over protective or silly. I must also say that I am sure he is giving her money. I can't prove it and I have asked him but he has denied it. The thread I wrote about keep and how his money disappears within two weeks and has nothing to show for it, makes me wonder if he is giving her money. She is on benefits (not an issue as such as I was once on benefits and know how hard it can be on them) and I have been told but don't have the proof, that she is a shop lifter.

confusedaboutparenting Fri 16-Jan-15 21:06:59

just some info from child line you might find useful

Until you turn 16, your parents, carers or guardians are responsible for you.

At age 16

You can leave home without your parents' or carers' consent (you don't need their permission). If you become homeless and you're 16 or 17 years old, you may be entitled to help with money, housing, education, training and support from social services.

You can get practical advice on your rights and what you can do to find a place to live by calling Shelter. Your local council will be able to give you more information on the help you're entitled to.

Although you can't usually rent a home or claim benefits before the age of 18, there are exceptions. Help is available if you are 16 or 17 years old and can't live at home. Your local council or a housing advisor will be able to tell you about housing support for under 18s.

i would talk to your son and let him make his choices honestly or he will resent you

Faithope Fri 16-Jan-15 22:05:41

He's in no fit state to make any decisions right now. He's trying to regain his memory. Leaving home was a small part of this issue. He's over it now and knows home is where he belongs until he is independent enough to look after himself.

textfan Sun 18-Jan-15 20:42:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Faithope Mon 19-Jan-15 09:36:14

Text fan-thanks for your reply. Grooming has been mentioned by others when I have told them the story. It scares me to think how much she has turned my son against me. Since he's been home from hospital, he is the boy who we knew before he started going around to hers. I am taking small steps with him to get him well and have explained to him that we are going to keep a closer eye on him because off his condition. I'm trying to work out who to contact. I have no idea where to start.

textfan Tue 20-Jan-15 00:35:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Faithope Tue 20-Jan-15 09:21:14

I was surprised the hospital just let him go with no help with counselling-maybe this will come when we go to his hospital appointment? I am wary of contacting SS-I have read too many horror stories. I have dealt with SS before when DH adopted DS1 and they were lovely. Gosh, so much to think about.

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