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Previous abusive relationships triggered by daughter's behaviour

(11 Posts)
azA99 Thu 15-Jan-15 20:38:57

Firstly, don't suggest therapy as that's already a big part of my life!

I just wondered if other people, especially single mums, got triggered by their child's teenage behaviour?

My daughter belittles and mocks me and tries to catch me out until I lose my wits and ether yell or break down in tears, which she then says is unkind of me. I've only ever experienced this sort of thing from abusive people in the past, so I know it's not OK and my boundaries are in place - she's currently staying with her dad so I can support her through this stage at a distance and continue to work and live and be good to myself

But do others have this? The being - triggered thing? Reminded of past events that you'd rather not see repeated in your life? This is a kind of therapy/survivors question, less about our kids and more about ourselves and how we react to the bad memories.

Mumteadumpty Thu 15-Jan-15 22:12:23

Hi. I haven't had your experiences, but I do find my teen DD's behaviour towards me extremely challenging at times. I don't know if that is helpful or not, but I really have to ensure I take care of myself to be able to deal with it. I am sure that this must be even worse if you are the only adult in the home to set limits.

Heyho111 Thu 15-Jan-15 22:29:25

Yes , is the simple answer. Even a smell can trigger memories or feelings. It can catch you off guard as something unrelated can seem to cause it.

smileyforest Thu 15-Jan-15 23:54:58

Yes....from an abusive marriage...my youngest teenage DS has some of his Dads traits...and its very, very hard at times .....

azA99 Fri 16-Jan-15 02:18:52

These are really useful replies, thankyou.

I want her to see me setting an example about keeping myself safe and taking care of myself.

minifingers Sat 17-Jan-15 22:29:05

I haven't experienced abuse in my marriage or wider family, but I find my dd's behaviour unbearable at the moment. It IS abusive. She belittles me and disrespects me day in and day out and I sometimes feel broken by it.

willowbridge Sun 18-Jan-15 19:48:33

Mini that sounds awful. X

textfan Sun 18-Jan-15 20:03:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 18-Jan-15 20:32:22

DS1 has many of his father's characteristics - the good and the bad and it's been very difficult for me since we split. It feels as if he's echoing all the criticisms, comments, accusations that I've dealt with before and moved away from. He seemed to think he needed to take on the role of 'man of the house' and this has proved very challenging indeed. Our relationship has been affected long term and now we don't live under the same roof, things have gradually become easier, but there are still many issues in the background and the tension when we meet is palpable. sad

azA99 Tue 20-Jan-15 06:47:36

I'm so sorry other people are experiencing the same triggers : (

As for the 'man of the house' thing...my daughter does, I think, see it as some sort of alpha thing/power struggle/head of the household issue, although she's staying with her dad at the moment because it upset me too much. It's when I am infantilised & belittled, like you said minifingers, that I am reminded of other situations I've been in. But I (eventually) didn't accept those situations and I don't accept it from my daughter. When it happens, it does give me the same sense of shock after each episode, and I feel quite ill from it, the reminder of past episodes. I wonder if it's their way of working through their own experience of this stuff - to reproduce the behaviour? Just horrible. Trying to work through it carefully, kindly and safely is so hard.

I send much love to anyone in this situation.

MinceSpy Tue 20-Jan-15 06:57:26

Almost anything can trigger such memories and thoughts. Possibly your daughter was affected by the abuse she witnessed or may she is like her father. What ever the reason she is,abusive.

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