No motivation

[fatherfurlong]

I am new to this site so this question has probably been posted many times before. My 17 year old son did well in his GCSE's, so well in fact that he managed to to get into a sixth form with a very good reputation and high success rate. Initially he was unhappy there and said he would like to move but persevered.
He has made good friends and his social life has picked up and he has also got his first girlfriend who he is smitten with. We are very free and easy parents ( I think) and welcome all his friends/girlfriend into our home. I am just glad he is happy.
So what's the issue? He wants to go to Uni in the summer but his grades have dropped since he has been there. His teachers say he is a bright articulate boy who contributes to class discussions readily, makes valid contributions and is well liked. I want him to succeed but I never see him revise or pick up a book. Every weekend he is out, during the week he often goes straight to his friends without letting me know so I have to call him to find out where he is or he brings his friends back here and they watch films or play X box.
He has a Uni interview soon and I have told him to read up on the course, think of questions he would like to ask, tips on what to say etc but it is all met with such a lack of enthusiasm. I even said if he changed his mind about Uni and didn't want to go that was OK too but that if he did he has to prepare now. He'll only get a few minutes to make a good impression and if his grades aren't what required his attitude and passion for the subject might. All he says is that Uni is a better option than no job or dead end job which is true but it is so much more so why is he so indifferent to making himself an attractive prospect with potential. On results day I am so worried that while the others are celebrating he will be disappointed but it just goes in one ear and out the other. His attitude also causes friction tween me and hubby as he thinks as I do but puts it less tactfully.

[fatherfurlong]

I am new to this site so this question has probably been posted many times before. My 17 year old son did well in his GCSE's, so well in fact that he managed to to get into a sixth form with a very good reputation and high success rate. Initially he was unhappy there and said he would like to move but persevered.
He has made good friends and his social life has picked up and he has also got his first girlfriend who he is smitten with. We are very free and easy parents ( I think) and welcome all his friends/girlfriend into our home. I am just glad he is happy.
So what's the issue? He wants to go to Uni in the summer but his grades have dropped since he has been there. His teachers say he is a bright articulate boy who contributes to class discussions readily, makes valid contributions and is well liked. I want him to succeed but I never see him revise or pick up a book. Every weekend he is out, during the week he often goes straight to his friends without letting me know so I have to call him to find out where he is or he brings his friends back here and they watch films or play X box.
He has a Uni interview soon and I have told him to read up on the course, think of questions he would like to ask, tips on what to say etc but it is all met with such a lack of enthusiasm. I even said if he changed his mind about Uni and didn't want to go that was OK too but that if he did he has to prepare now. He'll only get a few minutes to make a good impression and if his grades aren't what required his attitude and passion for the subject might. All he says is that Uni is a better option than no job or dead end job which is true but it is so much more so why is he so indifferent to making himself an attractive prospect with potential. On results day I am so worried that while the others are celebrating he will be disappointed but it just goes in one ear and out the other. His attitude also causes friction tween me and hubby as he thinks as I do but puts it less tactfully.

[FruChristerOla]

Sorry, I can't actually help you, fatherfurlong, but hopefully this will 'bump' your thread for you.

[Kleinzeit]

My guess – and it is just a guess! - is that two things are going on. One is that he’s enjoying his social success and feeling good about it, so obviously he wants to spend time on that side of life. And the other is that (having unexpectedly got into this very demanding 6th form) he is now feeling scared and anxious about his academic achievement, so he’s avoiding that side of life.

If that’s right (and apologies in advance if it's not!), then you and your DH would need to be take a different approach to what you say to him, so as not to say things that might make him feel even more anxious about it. Do say anything that will raise his confidence about his academic ability. Praise him for his perseverance and comment on anything he does that looks vaguely perseverance-like. Instead of scaring him that he wont get into university, bear in mind that there’s always clearing and next year and it’s really not the end of the world, he’s a bright lad and in the end he will do well.

And leave him to sort out the interview himself. Your suggestions may be helpful but to him they probably also feel quite undermining, as if you don’t trust him to make a reasonable showing either at the interview or in the exams. You might say something like “if you’re worried about the interview I’m happy to talk to you about how to really show off what you can do, but the school have probably told you all that stuff already. But just ask if you want me to go over it with you.” And then leave it up to him.

[CalicoBlue]

A friend of mine had a similar situation with her son in the first year of A levels. He suddenly got a social life and it took over. He had to resit his first year of A levels, did ok in the end and started university this September. It has all turned out fine.

As said by pp, you do have to leave him to it, try and be encouraging and show that you have faith in him. Offer him advise but try not to add to the pressure.

[chocoluvva]

Good advice IMO.

My sympathies - my two are the same. The older one did okay in her final exams and got into a very competitive course. However after nagging/bribing/stressing I'm still worried about her as she's not equipped to do things by herself having had (at her request) two tutors and every possible support with her studies - asked for or otherwise.

When she got her exam results she told me that she'd have had a better attitude to studying if she'd known it was going to be worth it...... Teenagers eh? But seriously, encouragement was what she needed more than anything else. Your DS is probably the same.

Difficult though it is - try to go for as long as possible without mentioning his exams/applications etc to take the pressure off - I didn't think I was putting my DD under pressure but I probably was. And be encouraging and pleased for him when things go well.

So stressful.

[HowDoesThatWork]

A bad outcome would be that he poor/middling grades and then goes to a uni (everyone else is) to do a course that he does not really want to do. Whilst there, he continues to do jack shit and gets a useless degree and 50k of debt.

Ask him if that is what he wants.