How can I make my 16yr daughter see sense

[Newcastlemum50]

Had/still having nightmare with my 16yr daughter and her controlling boyfriend. All kicked off when she refused to come home from his house last week, ended up being threatened by his father and him with violence when we turned up to pick her up. Resulted with the police being involved who went to talk to them and we agreed for her to stay there overnight. Idea being things would calm down and we would talk properly day after.
Next day she turned up saying she was leaving but after taking advice from police told her she was still under our care till 18. They were even good enough to come round and talk to her. Asked them to also speak to the boyfriend and his parents about what our wishes were and also we were far from happy at being threatened.

Realize we can't stop her seeing him but made it clear she had to be in at a certain time every night. She is even pushing this by texts going to and fro saying she wants to stay out longer. As soon as she wakes up she dresses and goes straight round to his house. She knew we wanted to talk to her this morning but went straight out, so her dad texted her and asked why she'd gone straight out. This resulted in him receiving abusive threats from the boyfriend, we had already had a discussion with him about checking her phone for messages etc.

My first reaction was again to involve the police, I am really concerned what will happen if he turns nasty with her, but she won't see the guy is bad news. She says she hates living here, what do I do, would putting her into care be the best thing? We love our daughter dearly but we are not happy to be treated in this way. What now???

[PacificDogwood]

You cannot 'make' a teenager see sense.

You have made your wishes clear.
Involved the police every time a threat is being made or abusive texts are bing sent - I hope you keep a record/print-out of them?

What a hard situation for you all.

[Hassled]

I wish I knew what you should do - it sounds absolutely horrific for you. All you can tell yourself is that this will run its course - she'll mature and see things for how they are herself.

Just maybe make sure that the boyfriend doesn't have any sort of hold over her - that there's no emotional/actual blackmail involved - if you can.

[Newcastlemum50]

Just feel so helpless

[LaurieFairyCake]

Is she in sixth form or year 11? I'm asking because is this going to ease when she goes back to school in 2 days time?

[Newcastlemum50]

Been in college since September but she was talking about leaving, think we have managed to persuade her to go back. The boyfriend doesn't do anything

[nequidnimis]

I understand that the boyfriend has behaved in a threatening way towards you, but is there any reason to believe that your DD is in danger?

If not, I think you have to let this run its course. At her age she understandably prefers spending time with him, and resents you trying to control her. Calling the police and contemplating putting her into care is just pushing her into his arms.

I think you need to focus on the things that are non negotiable to you - for me it would be school work, a reasonable curfew and maintaining her other friendships.

When she's in a receptive mood could you help her to see that her life will be easier if she meets you in the middle, and of course you will have to make concessions too.

At the moment you've turned this into a competition and her boyfriend will be trying to piss you off at every turn, such as by asking her to stay out later.

IME she is currently more likely to stay in the relationship, even after she begins to tire of it, because she won't want you to be proved right.

[PacificDogwood]

I can only begin to imagine how helpless you must be feeling (my eldest is almost-12 so I have all this to come still).

I agree re the 'competition': do not engage in any escalating exchange with the BF. Keep lines of communication open with your DD, make sure she is welcome as and when she comes home. I agree also wrt laying down what you consider an absolute minimum of 'rules' she has to abide by and those rules might be different from family to family.

She is very likely to chose him over you just now because she is 16 and he is 'cool' and you are her nasty restrictive parents. But that should not stop you from telling her what your concerns are and what your behavioural standards are. She will hear all that and take it in and there is very likely going to be a time when she will appreciate that you were in her corner.

Don't hsitate to call the police or at least log a call every time there is some kind of confrontation with the BF or his family.

And yes, make sure that he is not coercing her.

Also, make sure you actively encourage/help her to access effective contraception (even if the thought of your baby girl having sex with this brute makes you cringe) - I deal with sexaually active teenagers in my professional life and the misinformation out there is staggering. Please make sure she is protected against unwanted pregnancy and STIs.

[Newcastlemum50]

Thank you everyone for the good advice, it has been useful.