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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Caught them 'at it!!'

26 replies

SoftInHead · 02/01/2015 20:22

Son is 16, he had friend over to watch a movie. I knocked and went in and they are having sex. I said to get dressed and went back a few minutes later. I told them it wasn't on and they it was disrespectful and unacceptable. He just laughed and said it was up to him as he is 16. I said it's not on.
I went to the shop and when I came back I knocked and went in again and they had their kit off again. I said to get dressed. I gave them a roasting again and he just laughed. He said that I slept with my partner so what's the difference. He's not even in a relationship with this girl. I told him he's not bringing random girls here for sex! He just says I'm over reacting and actually laughed at me. I could have slapped him, I didn't tho. I am on my own with him and I can't even tell my partner as I am just so embarrassed that he would behave like this.
I just seem to go from one thing to another with him just now!

Has anyone else had to deal with this or have some words of wisdom.
Thanks x

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Pengyquin · 02/01/2015 20:24

Not the first time he's disregarded what you've thought though, is it? Complete lack of respect for himself, you or the girl.

This is why you clamp down when they're young, not now. . I'd say the horse has already bolted on this one. Sorry.

ihatethecold · 02/01/2015 20:26

Well that was useful advice Pengy!

PiratePanda · 02/01/2015 20:27

Didn't want to read and run, and thank god I don't have a teenage DS (yet)! Your house, your rules, obviously, but it sounds like you have a bigger problem than your DS having sex at 16 (many parents would not have a problem with this). It's the rebellious attitude towards you and the disrespectful way he speaks to you. Leaving this incident out of it, is this a much wider problem you have with him?

PenelopePitstops · 02/01/2015 20:30

Well he is 16 and can legally have sex.

I rather think you are shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. When the girl has gone, sit him down and have a conversation with him about sex and the difference between sex in a loving relationship and having sex with random girls.

Fwiw I think you over reacted, going into the room to have a go at him in front of her isn't a low confrontation way of dealing with this. Treat him like an adult, you may find he acts like one.

usefully · 02/01/2015 20:31

The sex per se isn't so bad but his dismissive attitude towards you is shocking.

I'd be telling him if he wants to be treated on a par with the adults in the house he should be paying rent and doing his own cooking and washing.

I'd be coming down hard on this one.

usefully · 02/01/2015 20:32

Oh he wouldn't be having friends over until he treats his family with a bit of respect either.

MrsDiesel · 02/01/2015 20:38

At that age I would have died of embarrassment and scarpered if caught at it. I can't believe the front of them to have another go!!

Sorry not useful advice, hopefully wont be dealing with this for another 8 years at least!

ElizabethHoover · 02/01/2015 20:39

are other kids in the house?

cleo14 · 02/01/2015 20:47

Unfortunately I don't think the 'disrespectful attitude' is alien to teenagers these days! However I feel for you as it must have been a very difficult situation. I agree that it's your house and your rules and I think he needs to be reminded of that. Good luck x

SoftInHead · 02/01/2015 20:51

That's great pengyquin, thanks.
Actually we have a good relationship normally but he is really pushing the boundaries now. I just feel alone, unsupported, ashamed and at a loss and a shit parent.
Maybe I just came to the wrong place for a bit of help.

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usefully · 02/01/2015 20:56

Ignore pengyquin, some people are just twats.

It's not a reflection on you op, but it is something you need to deal with now, before he gets any bigger for his boots.

Pengyquin · 02/01/2015 21:00

What, so I'm honest, makes me a twat? Interesting.

At that age, I also would have died of embarrassment and scarpered.

Of course he's pushing boundaries, he's a teenager. But this smacks of the icing on the cake, not the first time he's tested your reaction on 'bigger' issues!

I'd be coming down hard. Big time. The only twat (hate that word) here is your son for his grotty treatment of his mum (and the girl)

usefully · 02/01/2015 21:02

Ok, here's what I'd do.

Sit him down, just the two of you. Over dinner, a cuppa, whatever.
Tell him you want to talk to him about what happened.
Give him the opportunity to apologise to you for the way he spoke to you.
Tell him clearly that this is NOT about having sex in your house. That is a separate issue. It's about his unpleasant attitude and lack of respect.
Ask if there's any particular reason at the moment why he feels he needs to treat you like dirt.
Be prepared to listen. Is there something going on at school?
Make it very clear, calmly, that you will not tolerate the way he speaks to you or treats you.

If he is not prepared to have a rational, adult discussion with you then I suggest getting mediaeval on him and giving him the "you want to be treating like an adult, fine. You do your own cooking, washing, clean your room, buy your own food and toiletries" etc etc.

Then stick to it. Do nothing for him until he shapes up.

And no friends at home for the foreseeable.

SoftInHead · 02/01/2015 21:06

Thanks. Probably I did over react but I just didn't expect that. It's the cheek of doing it when I'm in the house plus the attitude towards me. He thinks the my rules my house thing is ridiculous as it's his house too. I have said if he wants to be all grown up then fine but I won't be supporting him.
I just feel low and sick about it.

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SoftInHead · 02/01/2015 21:18

Usefully , that's useful and sounds like a plan. Thanks. I don't know how I'm meant to react as it's new to me this arsey thing. Well at this level and I feel out of my depth.
Pengy, you have a point. I don't think you're a twat. There haven't been bigger issues but things have been difficult already. Just shocked at how he spoke to me. This has just upset me so much.

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SoftInHead · 02/01/2015 21:21

Elizabeth , no just him and I.
Usefully , it does need to be sorted properly or I'm just going to be pushed around by him.

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mygrandchildrenrock · 02/01/2015 22:20

I came home at lunchtime once and found my ds clothes and his girlfriends clothes in the hall and on the stairs. I turned round and went back to work and never mentioned it.
My ds was 18 though, and so was his girlfriend and it was A level results day!
I think you ought to try and work out if it's the sex that's bothering you, or his attitude to you. (It could be both!)
If a 16 yr old having sex isn't the biggest issue, then try and set some ground rules about privacy etc. When you knocked on the door did you wait for him to open it or say come in, or did you just knock and walk in? Do you not want him to have friends round that you don't know? There are some things you can negotiate/compromise but there are some things that you will want to set as house rules that will need to be spelt out.
Good luck!

SoftInHead · 02/01/2015 22:31

Mygrandchildrenrock, thank you. Actually when I thought about it, I was hoovering and hit the door with the Hoover and it opened. I normally knock and wait a few seconds and normally he'll say to hang on if he's changing.
I think I am upset that he Would do that when I'm around the house, plus his attitude towards me was horrible.
I don't mind his friends here. I put quite a lot of trust in him as normally he's quite sensible.
Plus the casual sex thing isn't too clever

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Mrsgrumble · 02/01/2015 22:38

I think he was very cheeky and rude to you to do that in your home and then laugh and go at it again.
You haven't done anything wrong.

But his behaviour aside, contraception is going to have to be your priority when talking to him.

I hope that there is good advice on here for you.

DrLego · 02/01/2015 22:39

Sounds horrible for you. I have a very young DS on my own, yet already very teenager and boundary pushing. It's difficult. I can only say that perhaps from his perspective, you were embarrassing him hugely in front of the girl and if he hadn't spoken back to you and shown the hideous attitude towards you, he'd have felt belittled and ridiculous himself. So perhaps you need to do as others have suggested and have clear ground rules, eg.. knock and wait count of 3, or no sex with random strangers in your house, or simply never be disrespectful in your house or consequences a,b,c. You need to come down hard, but you need to also realise, I think, that he may have been in a difficult position himself and you may have made him feel bad.

Biscuitsneeded · 02/01/2015 22:39

Thing is at 16 it's not THAT unusual that he would want to have sex! If you knocked and went into his rom without waiting for them to indicate readiness then you walked in on something you weren't meant to witness. Of course it's not ideal that he is having sex with someone who isn't even a girlfriend. But telling them to get dressed there and then makes you look fuudy-duddy and outdated. Can you wait till a better moment when it's just you and him, and then say that ultimately it's his business if he wants to have sex but that while he's under your roof you would vastly prefer it if it was in the context of a loving relationship and not just a shag. And that from now on female friends don't go in the bedroom unless they are an established girlfriend.

SoftInHead · 02/01/2015 22:54

Mrsgrumble. Yep the contraception thing is a must.
Drlego. I think you're spot on, I did embarrass him and he was saving face. He did the same later when she wasn't in earshot. Although when she left he was more confrontational.
Biscuits. I prob did look fussy duddy. I didn't know how I should have reacted. I was so shocked lol

Thanks all. You have been a help. X

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chocoluvva · 03/01/2015 14:34

Try not to be too upset Soft. So you didn't handle it perfectly? Well, you weren't prepared and we're all human. Your DS is having sex? That makes him one of the 50% who have had sex at his age.

To put things from his perspective - he probably thinks his behaviour is fine and that you are out of touch with the lifestyle and morals of his generation; making a fuss over nothing. And as you've said he was embarrassed. He probably doesn't understand that it's unpleasant/uncomfortable for you (and most people) to be aware of other people having sex in your house in the day time.

Would you feel differently if he had asked if he could have a gf stay over for the night? And been quiet and discreet? It goes without saying that it's your home and therefore your rules, but it's worth bearing in mind that it's his home too, he's not doing anything illegal and if he isn't allowed to have sex at home he'll have it somewhere else. Maybe at the girl's house....

My sympathies - it's unsettling when you first realise that your DC are sexually active at the best of times, let alone without walking in on them!

Mrsgrumble · 03/01/2015 15:23

Biscuit I'm sorry but I don't think op should give a shit about being fuddly duddy and outdated

He's a young boy with little respect.

Surely we are not entering I'm the coolest mum in world competition ..

What an odd spin on it?

azA99 · 03/01/2015 17:42

I agree that being a cool mum is not a great plan! I've tried that and it backfired. Then they react even more rudely when you stop and become uncool.

Setting up agreements between you about what you both think about sex on the premises is a good plan. Another thing to think about is what the parents of the other teenager might think. I was quite permissive and then found out that the other parents weren't, and I had to find this out myself by calling them and I had been tricked by taking the teenagers seriously and trusting what they'd told me.

I was also allowed to sleep with my boyfriends at home when I was growing up and the lack of discussion and the murky boundaries didn't make me feel good at all, it just made me feel lost. I don't think there's a 'right way' to do this, it's about negotiating all the different factors and different people and different feelings involved. And having those kinds of conversations about consent means that our kids are more mindful of consent in their sex lives, which is the key thing.

You have my sympathies! It's horrible being unpopular and they can be especially cruel.

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