Teen dd - meltdown over small bedroom!

[christmaschristmaschristmas]

So, 14 yo dd bedroom is extremely small (only has a bed, wardrobe and bedside table in and to add to issues has a very low ceiling and is L-shape!) and she gets very down over it. Apparently ALL of her friends bedrooms are massive, with double beds, sofas etc. She gets invited over to theirs for sleepovers and loves them but won't invite anyone back due to embarrassment of them being uncomfortable/having to make do in a very small space. I have said to her to just invite them (if they're real friends they won't mind, it's part of the fun etc!) but she just won't.
I've suggested alternatives such as:

• having the living room where we have a sofa bed
  

-using brothers when he's not here, but would defeat object of sleepover as not together.

What else can we do to make things easier? She can't have a desk in there so can't work or do her homework in her room, can't have sleepovers, is uncomfortable.

I feel so bad as she is often crying over this. I worry the upset is not just over this though....

TIA MUMSNETTERS! X

[Ratbagcatbag]

How old is her brother? And has he always had the bigger room? I tend to find generally (don't shoot me as not trying to stereotype) teenage boys are happy so long as they have a tv and games console. Is there any chance of a swap?

[GraysAnalogy]

There's nothing really much you can do and to be honest she needs to stop making you feel bad for something you can't change (and I remember being the 14 year old who couldn't have sleepovers, I know how she feels)

If she's constantly crying over it though I think you're right that there may be something else on her mind. Maybe she's stressed and it's manifesting itself in the obsession over room size?

Really feel for you because it must be hard

[OftheTwilighttheDarkness]

When my dd has a sleepover we always let her use the living room, I would encourage her to try this ( the rest of us go and sit upstairs).
I do worry that our house is not as 'nice' as a lot of her friends but she has not said anything so far.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

Let her know she's fortunate to have her own room. My teenage did shares with my youngest two dd's without complaint (and her friends love it here!). If your dds friends would really judge her over her bedroom, maybe she needs new friends?

[DustInTheWind]

We had the same problem of a small room, so DD had a campout in the garden. They had a firepit and everything and it was apparently very exciting.

[marne2]

Both my dd's have small rooms, no space for sleepovers, luckily they havn't invited anyone over though dd1 has asked. We live in a area where there are a lot of big houses, dd1 often goes to friends houses where their front porch is the size of her bedroom , our house is a very small 3 bed and tbh the 3rd bedroom ( dd2's room ) is more of a cupboard and getting the bed in there was a tight squeeze.

It must be hard for them seeing their friends in huge houses but I'm sure the children from the large houses don't really notice. I used to stay at a friends house, their house was small so the bought a old caravan to put in the garden for when their teens wanted sleepovers, we thought it was great fun.

[christmaschristmaschristmas]

Thanks, you're all making me feel better - not the mean old mum!

Unfortunately ds bedroom is just as small but he has a double bed in there and chest of drawers etc in corridor, so moving rooms wouldn't work as such.

Organising a camp out in summer is a lovely idea DustInTheWind. I'll suggest that to dd and maybe we could do that for her birthday.

Think there's something else on her mind really and the immediate issue (not being able to have friends over) is the one coming to the surface iyswim... She seems to have lost a few of friends this year ?

[Theas18]

I'm with the last poster, if her friends are bothered she needs new less shallow friends!
Yes swapping with bro is a good idea.

But overall " keeping up with the Jones' " leads to misery in all areas of life at all ages. My eldest had/ has the smallest room (she's at uni now) and had sleepovers in the living room - we don't have bedroom TVs anyway. Her friends houses ranged from smaller than ours to several palatial country places, including one with horses, a paddock for camping out and bonfires, and a flat over the stables with a home cinema!

(Dd1 was quite happy to have the box room in her uni house too and save money as she didn't feel hard done by!)

[beatricequimby]

Her friends may all have lovely big rooms but this probably isn't true of everyone in her year at school unless you live in a very wealthy area. Lots of kids share rooms and have small rooms. Maybe she could swop rooms with your son or have a corner of a downstairs room for her own desk. But don't beat yourself up about it. She is choosing not to take up the reasonable suggestions you are making to enable her to have a sleepover. Maybe it's more about her confidence with her friendship group than the practicalities of her bedroom

[christmaschristmaschristmas]

We don't live in a wealthy area, the opposite really, but she seems to have just made friends with rich kids.
I thought living room was a good alternative but apparently !

[christmaschristmaschristmas]

Bloody hell! Just went up to check she was alright and she was there crying and smoking out of the window. No more sympathy from me dd!

[DustInTheWind]

It looks like your thoughts about other things going on were right, you need to have a go at finding out what's wrong and how you can support her.

[christmaschristmaschristmas]

Finding it very odd actually. Obviously I don't know her friends as well as I thought I did, but they don't often meet up and seem friendly. This is also the dd with severe asthma. For heavens sake!
Need to get to the bottom of her issues....

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

If she's lost a few friends this year, maybe she's over focusing on sleep overs as a way to maintain the friendships she has? Are there other ways her and her friends can spend adult-free, quality time? Maybe suggest/ help her to plan some things with her friends, for her to look forward to?

Definite yes to garden camping, if you have space! We do this, plus lounge camping.

I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it, bless her and you too!

[bloodyteenagers]

She's 14 and the world hates her.
You find a solution for her current situation, 10 minutes later there will be another problem.

Ask her what her solution is.

[ChillySundays]

We live in a decent size house but DS room is tiny (DD has the big bedroom). Sleepovers are downstairs and even when my DD has them it was normally downstairs unless it was only one girl sleeping over.

Like bloodyteenagers said they always find something to moan about

It might not be her friends making an issue over it but just how your DD sees her homelife

Maybe she has lost some friends over the fact she smokes

[christmaschristmaschristmas]

Thanks for suggestions, want to get her socialising more in new year. Any ideas on how she could make a few new friends ladies? This is what she needs I think.
Another thread is needed but just been through her room after catching her smoking (she's flounced off to dads round the corner) and smoke smells very sweet.. Oh dear dd.

[ChillySundays]

How long have you and her dad been apart. Could that be part of the problem?

[Floggingmolly]

Does she have a room at her Dad's?

[christmaschristmaschristmas]

Sorry when I said dad I meant my dad, she is very close to him. But he has sent her back home. Me and her father are happily married, so no issues would be to do with that I don't think.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

What sort of things is she interested in? Is there anything she wants to try out? I've found drama, art school, rock climbing, archery and creative writing groups near me and they've proven to be great ways for my DC to widen their friend groups outside of school

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

What sort of things is she interested in? Is there anything she wants to try out? I've found drama, art school, rock climbing, archery and creative writing groups near me and they've proven to be great ways for my DC to widen their friend groups outside of school

[beatricequimby]

Maybe speak to her school too. They might have some ideas about how she could mix with some other kids in her year. I think friends from other schools are always important too. Not mixed up with all the dramas of school life.

[christmaschristmaschristmas]

She does hockey, loves it but doesn't really seem to particularly make any friends there thag she would see outside. Has a few other hobbies but, again, they seem to be just people she sees at those clubs. Any more ideas on how to make friends? Next step forward I think.