So lazy ....is this normal(24 Posts)
DD 14 is not unhappy and has loads of friends .Her lack of energy is quite frustrating to the point she would rather starve and dehydrate than get herself a drink or fix a snack. Last week she asked/demanded a sandwich I was really busy and about to go out so i asked if she could do herself "oh im not hungry anymore" and she genuinely won't eat or drink!! She sleeps till lunchtime daily her rooms a pigsty she "can't be assed" to have a hobby or do any school work and just point blank refuses not bothered by consequences. She is happy to just spend 24/7 on the phone chatting to friends or they are here or shes at theirs .I even hear her saying to friends "can you get me a drink/turn light on etc" everything is effort!
How the heck do you motivate them?!
I have a couple like that and really sympathise! Cannot wait until school and uni resume!
16 & 19 here - exactly the same. I cook the evening meal but I am buggered if I am going to start running a cafe where they order when and what they want. Old enough - their decision if they don't eat.
Mind you the state of the kitchen if they do anything.
My 17yr old has only just emerged from her bedroom for the first time today when she smelled food cooking. To be fair there was some family to do with her boyfriend last night and I think they ended up staying up most of the night talking. She will also go hungry/thirsty/cold rather than shift her bum to do something about it.
Don't turn the wifi off , shout, give punishment unless you want huge arguments and don't want a close relationship.
This is normal teen stuff
Sleeping- sleep patterns change. Their body clock means they are not tired till later. They need 10 hours a night. Let her sleep in. Let her catch up at weekends. This will give her more energy.
Tired all the time- full of hormones. Development is exhausting too. She is going through adolescence. Her brain is in developmental overdrive.
Stroppy /rude - her brain is turning her slowly independant. To do this it makes her feel hatred towards her parents. Makes her challenge and not conform. They all get this to some degree. Some get it more. This is not down to parenting just different degrees of how they are effected by it.
Ignore , choose your battles, have a glass of wine. Your in for a bumpy few years. Sanctions won't work. They will just make her feel more angry towards you. She will come out the other end regardless of what you do. I used to argue, put in sanctions with my teen. It went very pair shaped. I now ignore and our relationship has turned round. We can now talk about the important stuff.
I expected this at home but not school.She literally refuses work just sits saying no no no and daydreaming its a big concern.Education has always been a sore point I think she will thrive more in a vocational setting.
The food thing just bugs me a bit I have tried to teach her but she doesn't want to and has never as much as got a bowl of cereal ! If its not there she'd rather not the fact she has always had issues with food means i find the tough love of get it yourself or go without tricky.I tried but she just didn't eat .
Thanks for the advice I do try to pick my battles or i'd moaning 24/7 . Its a tricky age as in many ways they push you away but need you there more .
Good advice, Heyho
My son has GCSE mocks after Christmas, so 6 days. He's spent all of the break on his laptop playing games. He's done nothing unless asked. The food and drink bugs me too, it's like he's waiting for me to be his maid (he's not, he forgets he's thirsty). I just feel like screaming sometimes.
Its hard to stay patient at times when they are behaving so selfishly .It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago. DD didn't get me a card or present despite having regular money and didn't even say happy birthday once left me feeling slightly unappreciated!
I'd echo what the others say here except for the bit about school. Is she very lacking in confidence? I'd chat to her in as non-pressured a way as you can manage about what she thinks she'd like to do after school. Ask her about how she feels about growing up, what sort of lifestyle she thinks she'd like to have eg does she want to travel, have a job she likes even if it doesn't pay well or a career. Try to get her to really talk and don't say much except to be encouraging about her good qualities.
Get her a good quality supplement for women of child-bearing age. Good brands are higher nature, solgar, viridian, new chapter, biocare and pukka.
Does she walk to school? I'm asking because my teenage DD gets no exercise except for walking. Everyone feels sluggish if they exercise (speaks from personal experience).
Sorry but you should have made a big fuss about her lack of appreciation and effort for your birthday.
I would also be pestering her to go to the GP.
Yes laziness is pretty normal for teens, but do be aware that do is depression.
My teens know there are limits, there are times they have to get up and do things. They certainly work at school (but then I can't imagine their school just letting them do nothing).
Being lazy, operating on a different time zone is normal. Being totally self centred is not, and needs to be reprimanded if they are to become acceptable members of society. They won't suddenly wake up and be wonderful caring individuals at 20, they are still learning how to be part of society. Parenting doesn't stop at 11.
Make sure they feel the consequences of their actions. Show you are upset/hurt if you are. Let them get hungry if they can't be bothered to help the,selves. Don't protect them from consequences.
All this sounds normal teenage stuff. My DS 17 is just like this, he will go all day without eating and drinking as he forgets and can not be bothered.
I will often take a glass of water into his room for him, with a bit of fruit or cake. I want him to eat and drink. I do get a mumbled thank you. Much nicer than a shouting match.
I also expect him to eat a family meal with us each day, which he does.
Chose your battles.
Thanks for the advice guys.She has seen GPs and CAHMS and has ODD which i maybe should have mentioned but i'm slightly on the fence with ODD as it wasn't in her nature to be defiant till hormones kicked in and its one of those "no cures".
Just wanted advice on strategies that worked as most of it is teenagery as opposed to SN .
She has no ambition I have tried chatting to her about the future she just says she'll be famous for being her .I did make a bit of a fuss about my birthday but it didn't register as I also got zilch for christmas even though I told her a card would be nice.
I'm well aware parenting doesn't end at 11 and this is by far much more challenging than toddler phase.She struggles academically rather than working hard to catch up she has given up so the gap is much larger now. She is quite immature for her age she asked for money last week I said I didn't have any till x day she said "it doesn't matter get it from cash machine" as if its a limitless pit!
I try an remain patient but its certainly testing !
I think you are underestimating her level of SN. And that is the real issue here. Do not accept "nothing can be done". Its just that you are going to need very intensive education to get messages through to her. She needs to over learn to just learn.
You would do better to post in the SN section. This is not normal teenage behaviour and trying normal teenage techniques will not work.
To be honest if she hasn't grasped that money doesn't "grown on trees" or magically appear in the cash point you need to be kicking up a fuss to get her specialist education.
I am not underestimating it but it is hard to separate the SN from the teenager behaviour at times. Her defiance kicked in in year 8 along with hormones so its not im disregarding it but many of it is teenage behaviour it is just hard picking out which bits which .
I am fighting hard but thats a whole new thread CAMHS is a very very slow process and it just strategies in the mean time.
Is ODD part of ASD? If so NAS might be able to help, ASD strategies might help anyway.
Young Minds may also be able to help. Just waiting for CAMHS will not help - in my experience they can get you a diagnosis, but unless someone is suicidal they don't have many more resources.
They are INCREDIBLY slow as she is low priority as no self harm . I have spoken to young minds they were quite helpful she is not ASD .ODD is oppositional defiance disorder but she has only had symptons since puberty which makes me feel slightly confused as to which bits teenagers which bits something else.
She has quite complex issues and teenagers are complex so its all a bit urrrmmmm complex!
She is super sensitive about being "different" so will not respond unless all the others have the same treatment at school which is difficult as she won't accept help she needs . At primary she had loads of 1-1 and thrived but to a teen thats embarassing so she refuses therefore not making progress therefore bigger gap between peers therefore more insecure /defiant !
I really feel for her as it must be bloody difficult with teens its all about image and I think she has found her place as class clown to please her peers but this obviously displeases teachers .Testing times .
Have you looked at Pathological Demand Avoidance as well? My DS has never been aggressively defiant (too lazy LOL) so ODD didn't quite fit, but has some of the characteristics of PDA - very passive as a child, cut his nose off to spite his face etc, under performing at school, etc. Just a suggestion.
Funnily enough DDs headteacher suggested that ! I have done quite a bit of reading on it and a few parts sound very similar apart from the role play bit DD hates role play always has. DD just loves the words "hate" and "no" . The thing with DD is the more authority someone has the more she defies them .She is lovely to her friends and many have been really unkind to her but she just wants to please them however headteacher,doctors and teachers she defies at every opportunity oh and me unless her phones in jeopardy !
Yes, my DS doesn't like role play either, so that bit doesn't fit. Nor does the verbal delay. But the other characteristics are quite descriptive. Maybe there is a spectrum and your DD may have this mildly rather than severely - which is why you haven't been able to 'diagnose' it until now when teen behaviour makes it worse. That's certainly how I see my DS (14). After years of trying to work out why he is just different from most other kids (friends were highly sceptical when I told them sticker charts never worked!), I began to remember my own behaviour as a teen and also how I am now still. Sad to report, he probably is a chip off the old block and I'm just as stubborn and avoiding as he is. Oh dear.
I don't have any solutions, except that I had a long talk with him about this issue and offered to help him gain more control over things like school work and a more healthy lifestyle (emphasising better sleep patterns, hydration and nutrition rather than how much screen time he should have). This seems to have chimed with him and he is actually a lot more cooperative now than even two weeks ago. Don't know if this will continue, but it feels like light at the end of a very long tunnel.
That's good to hear its just getting the balance. DD is complex as she ticks boxes for many things has slipped through nets despite my harrassment !
Hormones just add a whole new dimension she used to be bouncing off the walls hyper now its a case of trying to motivate her to do teeny things !
Does your son respond only to warm personalities ? DD will do as asked if smiley warm and very encouraging but many of her teachers appear cold to her which gets her back up straight away . She judges straight away if she loves or hates someone and sticks with it.
I was quite a cheeky teen but my behaviour was worse at home I was always polite to teachers made good excuses etc
So sorry to hear about your DD behaviour.
Having read your posts, I think there are few issues which needs to be addressed first;
- As your DD is having an issue with food, it looks like she is missing some important nutrients which are important for regulating her moods.Encourage her to eat more fruits, vegetables and nuts.
- Encourage her to exercise more,even if it is for few minutes daily.She can do this as part of her after school activity or do with you at home(just seen one video on this page, titled 'At home exercise:getting fit in 2015'
-It looks like she doesn't hang around with good friends. She needs to be with progressive-minded friends who have clear goals in their lives.
- Try to respond calmly and explain politely if she shows you an unpleasant attitude e.g if she thinks money comes from a limitless pit!
Hope this will help towards her self-help journey and who knows, maybe she won't need to go through the 'medication route' after all.
Just to add to my post above;
Regular exercise release chemicals called endorphins which trigger a positive feeling in the body.
Exercise has also been proven to reduce stress, boost self-esteem, increase energy levels, regulate hormones and also help keep fit and healthy!
Thanks so much.Its been a really tricky year feels like we replace one problem move on then another one arrives.
I love her to bits but she is hard to like at times . She used to do tons of horse riding althletics the lot and was much better company.She decided to quit and won't pick anything else but i'll persevere !
I'm sure this phase will seem like a distant memory soon (heres hoping in months as opposed to years!) .
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