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wanting a kid

(17 Posts)
teenagemum1999 Mon 29-Dec-14 21:17:51

Yes I am a teenager but I really want a kid to love and care for and I am aware of all the pain and the tantrums
And I am aware it won't stay a cute thing
And I am aware it will be hard as a teen mum
But I want your advice before I make any rash descions

TheFirstOfHerName Mon 29-Dec-14 21:23:07

If your username is based on your year of birth then I'm guessing you're 15?

I can understand the desire to have a child, but it would be better for the child if you first get some qualifications so you can earn enough to support him or her.

Anotheronesoon Mon 29-Dec-14 21:23:49

Don't do it! I have always wanted kids and my two babies are the best things in my life but I am so glad I had fun before them because once you have them you don't get the opportunities again- or at least not in the same way. Wait, have fun, get some life experience and then have your bubbas would be my advice. Also kids = money so make sure you get an education so you can get a decent job to support your kids and teach them good way of life smile

tabulahrasa Mon 29-Dec-14 23:39:37

Children deserve stability, financial, emotional...that is not easy to provide as a teenager.

To choose to have a child intentionally at an age where you're unlikely to be in a longterm stable relationship and have little to no earning power does the child a disservice.

Yes it's harder to be a mother as a teenager, but, that's not the point, once you have a baby it's not about you any more, it's about the baby and yes you might cope...but don't you want better than coping for your child?

Sparklingbrook Mon 29-Dec-14 23:43:16

The Teenagers topic is mainly used for people wanting advice about parenting their teenagers.

My advice to you would be don't do it. Or discuss it with your parents and see how they feel?

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane Mon 29-Dec-14 23:46:04

I felt like you at 15. I chose to do childcare and worked in nurseries and then schools. I'm glad I waited to have my sons. Talk to your parents if you can or an adult you trust about this feeling.

AyMamita Mon 29-Dec-14 23:46:09

I suggest you read some of the ragged bits threads... and if you want something to love and care for, get a puppy!

Fuckmath Mon 29-Dec-14 23:46:24

Wait a few years. You could do it in your early 20s and it will be a lot better.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Mon 29-Dec-14 23:47:50

My advice would be to go and live with someone who has a small baby and a toddler for a month. Do all the feeding, washing, playing, bathtimes, dressing, tantrums and see how long it is before you skip back to school and be thankful that homework is all you have to worry about.

Sparklingbrook Mon 29-Dec-14 23:47:57

There is of course the potential Father to consider in all of this. How does he feel?

BertieBotts Tue 30-Dec-14 00:25:35

I'm sure you'll get some patronising and/or scathing replies but I'll level with you: I wanted a baby at your age. I was pregnant at 19, had my son at 20 and it was really nothing like I was expecting.

It's nothing to do with the actual parenting part, that's alright, you just cope with it like you would at any age, but it messes up your plans for everything in ways that you don't even know yet.

As a teenager you don't know yet what you want from relationships - some people stay together with their teenage sweetheart but most people grow and change and what you want changes. Your boyfriend might change and become a total wanker or just really boring, but you're stuck with him now. Better to get out and kiss some frogs before settling down with the right person IME, and you need to kiss a few frogs to find out what you don't like. Being a single parent isn't a death knell for any and all future relationships, but it makes you a target for predatory bastards and when you do meet someone nice it messes up all of the time scales. It's sad knowing that when DH and I have a child it will be the first time for him but it won't be the first time for me, we won't be able to share it quite the same. And because I'm worried about the age gap with my DS we are maybe rushing into having children earlier than we would have otherwise.

I felt really totally and truly like I'd done all of my socialising and drinking and stuff and that was over and I was done with it. I wasn't, and while you can go out and your social life isn't dead forever, it becomes so out of step with your peers, and you don't really get how the lack of freedom affects you until it's been years.

I didn't understand that I really needed to live on my own for a bit. In a house share, perhaps - I'm not made of money! - or with a partner or whatever, but just living, not being looked after by my parents, being responsible but only for myself. Trying to figure out your own issues or what the fuck you want to do with your life is hard when you have a child around who does not allow you to take a day off.

Talking of money - it's a lot easier to save and get money behind you and work up to being able to afford a house, car, etc, when you only need a small and crappy one. At your age in your position you could buy a house - if you had a baby now, you're at a triple disadvantage. Firstly you take a drop in potential income by having to work out childcare or be a stay at home mum. Secondly you haven't had time to save up any money. Thirdly, your outgoings are higher than they would have been otherwise, much higher - it's not just food and clothes and stuff but needing a big enough, safe, clean house rather than a room anywhere, needing a car depending where you live, paying for childcare if you work.

It's really hard to think long term when you're a teenager, because (sorry this will sound patronising!) you just haven't had enough life yet. You're only really starting to be independentish from about 13, possibly 12, you've had three years to live. Not even that, you still live at home, still go to school. It's not living until you get out on your own really. Don't deny yourself that. Go and do it for a couple of years at least. You might like it. And then don't agree to have anyone's babies unless you've been together for at least five years.

Why does having a baby now seem like a better option than having one later, or any other thing you can do now? Is it about not feeling like any other option is better? Or about wanting a family of your own? Because the first one is a lie, and you have far more options before having children than after, and the second won't be fixed by having a baby, but will be fixed by getting out there and learning to love and appreciate yourself. THEN you can have a happy family. It won't come easily before that point.

Ledkr Tue 30-Dec-14 08:47:27

How's life otherwise love?
There's evidence niw that a traumatised brain with tell its owner to reproduce as a survival tactic.
I had my son at 17 and really wanted "a baby"
I saw myself in a nice place with a lovely baby and partner.
The reality was a rented dump, damp walls, no money for all the designer baby clothes if imagined, an arse of a partner who became violent.
I used to see all my mates going out or going off to college and I'd feel gutted.
The baby cried all the time and l didn't bond well with him. I was depressed and lonely.
I've never had a holiday with my mates or shared a flat with them.
I went on to get my life in order and marry sbd have chikdren later and WHAT A DIFFERENCE when I was older and more settled.
I bet you are sleeping right now like most teenagers.
Well that will be a thing of the past for sure.
You will average a few hours each night which also feels worse as a teenager.
Can you speak to a teacher or family member about this urge?
Maybe you will have chikdren young but at least spend a few more years preparing to bring them up properly.
I'm a mum of five now but because I got some qualifications I can earn good money and work part time and when I got divorced coukd support us all.
Good luck.
Think this through very carefully.

specialsubject Tue 30-Dec-14 10:43:36

at 15 you can't earn beyond pocket money and you can't rent your own property. So if you do have a baby, the rest of us will be paying for it. Luckily you live in a country where you won't actually be on the streets starving, but you won't like where you will end up.

Oh, and it is illegal for you to have sex too.

go start a childcare course, do lots of looking after kids 24/7, save, save, save.

SqueezyCheeseWeasel Tue 30-Dec-14 10:46:11

Bertie, that is a brilliant post.

CalicoBlue Tue 30-Dec-14 11:16:05

You have had some good advise from Bertie and Ledkr.

Forget babies for a while, live a bit, go out, have fun. Enjoy not having any responsibilities apart from yourself. You have so many options ahead of you, life is exciting, study and try different jobs, travel, meet people.

If you like babies, train to work with kids, be a midwife, lots of choices.

I did not have my kids till my 30's and I still wish I had done more before I had them.

GaryBaldy Wed 31-Dec-14 15:32:54

How are you going to be able to care for a child at 15?

Yes you are young so you might bounce back from pregnancy without wetting yourself every time you cough and your boobs won't be too veiny and saggy and you might not need to have stitches, but how are you actually going to be able to care for a child?

How are you going to afford to put a roof over their head? Afford food and clothes? How are you going to support them in their education if you have barely finished yours? How are you going to teach them about the world if you have never explored it? How are you going to help them cope with life if you haven't had the opportunity to live yours yet?

Youth is precious, freedom, independence, no responsibilities, go out and live before you have children. I have a 16yo with his whole life ahead of him, I would hate to think that he would not give himself the chance of a life first before having to devote his life to the life of a child. My DC are my whole world, I found motherhood totally fulfilling, but it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

It's not all choosing fancy pushchairs and pretty baby clothes.

lanbro Wed 31-Dec-14 15:47:03

I was more than twice your age when I had my first. I went to uni, I've been all over the world, lived with friends, slept around a bit, drank a lot, had nice cars, basically I lived. Wouldn't have changed a thing, couldn't imagine having a 19 yr old now!

Please enjoy your childhood and learn who you are before making such a life changing decision

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