My 13 year old is smoking weed, advice needed!

[Alvah]

I have been reeling from a revelation that my son (13) has been smoking weed/green/pollen. I have no idea how long this has been going on, if he is addicted or why he is doing it. I am yet to confront him with it tomorrow when I see him for the first time after finding out. Him and a group of friends had arranged a party at a girls house on a Saturday. They arranged to steal alcohol from parents and to buy drugs. The house was wrecked, my son had gotten really drunk (and I assume stoned) and was sick on the carpet and apparently had a rage in the girl's mum's bedroom. Then he had fallen asleep, then they went to Tesco and lastly he went home for his dinner at his dad's at 6. We were completely unaware as he always seems 'normal' when he comes home from being out with friends. He admitted to have drunk 'a beer' at the party and been there, but his lack of involvement in the 'trouble' was a complete lie. This was revealed in a group facebook chat they had had before the party. He was non-chalantly arranging to bring weed and said things like 'the stuff we had the other day'... I feel sick to my stomach and unbelievably disappointed. I feel like it is a bad dream that I am just hoping to wake up from. Knee-jerk reaction is to not let him go out again apart from to school, order drug tests (as apparently it is available at school!!!) and make him pay for damages done to the house. He is not showing signs of taking responsibility yet, but I hope to God he can see that what he has done is seriously out of order. If not we have even more problems... Should I inform the school, perhaps anonymously, in order to ensure they are aware of the problem? Should I make him take drug tests randomly and say that if it is positive I will inform the police? What do I do? I have two younger children too, I worry that he will make them think it's okay to use drugs. Any help deeply appreciated.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Oh God.

I have no useful advice but didn't want to read and run?

Probably don't rage at him, could you perhaps sit down with him and several family members and talk calmly?

I'm shit, I know but my DS is only 18 months.

and for you.

[smileyforest]

Its terrible and gut wrenching when you find out your children are doing drugs...Never ever thought my two teenage sons aged 18y and 16y would touch it...but they did and still do! Its around everywhere, peer pressure I guess. There was nothing I could do to stop it as can't be with them 24/7. Police are aware its a big problem, walking past the skate park with my pooch-it stinks of it! Its very common for teens to do it now...doesn't make it right of course but I wish you luck trying to stop it x

[Claybury]

I found out my DS was smoking weed regularly at 14, this was two years ago. I sympathise. It was such a shock for us. My DS also seemed fine when he came home, I think it's much easier to hide than people think. ( walk home, spray Lynx and chew gum !)
I have to tell you you may not be able to stop this. However, you do need to talk to him about it.
Depending where you live there may be a drug counselling service for you to get in touch with. We literally put DS in the car and drove him to see the counsellor, and after that he willingly had some 1-1 sessions at school.
I have to say though, he still smokes at the weekends, there's nothing we can do or say to stop him.

He also tried a few other things, like mdma and ketamine, although he says he won't again. The big thing round here is nitrous oxide balloons though. He thinks it's totally under control, all a bit of fun at the weekend, he's doing well at school and thinks we are just out of touch. I would have a long chat with yours about all drugs, especially mdma. ( look up Daniel Spargo Mabbs)

Your DS is quite young, I'd be getting strict about curfews etc, making him educate himself about the dangers, limiting funds.
I had a good experience talking to school. They weren't shocked at all, and they were supportive. I can't say all schools would be like that though so be careful.

Sorry I don't feel I've been helpful.
Good luck, it's a horrible thing to deal with.

[wannabslim]

Hi
My son is 16 and a year ago he came home with some weed he had picked up for a 'friend'! As soon as I smelt it in his room, I hit the roof and without hesitation called the police! I firstly phoned the parent of the 'child' my son had got it for, and I told her I would be mentioning his name (there was a text confirming it was for him) and she agreed with me as he had been using it for 2 years and she didnt know what to do!
Cutting a long story short, Police came, gave him a talking too, we went down to Police station a week later to chat to a counsellor about the effects on him and others (mainly me as I was absolutely distraught) and he was put in touch with a Youth Support Worker in school as he was having quite a few problems with anger and behaviour and also self harming (some of this was probably related to smoking weed as he did tell me he had a couple of times). We also had other agencies invovled, but this wasnt really due to the weed, it was his behaviour.
I got straight in touch with school the day after the police had come and they were not shocked at all.....apparently its very common! I was also told by the Youth Worker how common it was and she found it amusing that i was actually shocked by this news.
A year on.....after a very difficult year.....he tells me he does smoke it occassionally...which i hate....but i have no idea how to stop it. hes now at college and its very hard to keep a track on when they are out of the house.
I do have rules that nothing like that is to EVER come into my house again, and he is also aware that I WOULD phone the police again ( This Im not 100% on as to whether I would as it could ruin his career with a police record....but im happy for him to think I would ).
I personally think with my son, that it is a social thing that teenagers think make them look good amongst peers.....it is also the same with cigarettes, but he never goes out to have a cig at home, or over a weekend, so to me, its not like he is dependant on it.

I dont know really what advice to give......i guess i wanted you to know you are not alone.....just wish i knew the answer to it

[emeline]

How do they afford it?!

[wannabslim]

Apparently.....my DS "has drags" off others...this is a question ive asked many times....some of his friends work, so i guess thats where their money comes from. I refuse to give him money....but...he does have dinner money....which is only £4 a day....i know for a fact he buys food and drink as he has the wrappers in his bag when he gets home!

[Alvah]

Thank you so much for your replies, advice and sharing your experiences, it really does help to find I am not on my own :)

I tried really hard to be calm, but I was so upset about it that I failed, tears have been welling up at the thought of it. It doesn't help that he is denying it still! He almost makes me believe him, but I won't because I read their facebook chat and it was clear. I think he is just hoping that if he denies it for long enough I will believe him. And things will go back to how they were. I think he gets where I am coming from, but he clearly isn't planning to work with me on this one. In the mean time he is under house arrest and missing out on socialising with his friends, under my watchful eyes of any signs of addiction/cravings.

I've pointed out that it is not about what he has or hasn't done that is the issue, but rather that it doesn't happen again. Even if it is a futile mission to stop him, I want to be clear that it is not a lifestyle choice that he is going to be allowed to make at this age. I don't know what will happen when he is allowed to meet his friends again, but I am armed with drug testing kits to put him off and letting him know that if I suspect he has done it again I will be in touch with the school about him and not just the availability of drugs at school. He reels at the thought of me mentioning his friends involvements so might have to use that as a deterrent.

I think possibly lunch and pocket money is used, so will have to put his money on lunch card and savings instead of cash.

You have all helped me so much by replying and sharing, so thank you very very much!

[Singleandproud]

Try Talk to Frank it's a great website about drugs awareness.

[Alvah]

Thanks for advice, I emailed them, Talk to Frank. They kind of said there's nothing I could do, which is not really where I am at just now. I want to stop him from doing it, he is only 13 and I don't want him to feel that this is okay for him to do, at least at this age.

Thanks again for all advice. The tears and shock have wore off now, he has been at home for the last 10 days, very calm and lovely, I just want to keep him close and safe for the next few years :)

[Claybury]

I truly feel for you as I have been there and you sound like you have the same attitude as me. I found lots of parents either bury their heads in the sand OR are relaxed about it.
Is it one particular group of mates ?
I am 2 years down the line. As DS is now 17 we have had to be more relaxed about curfews, and he has a babysitting job which is good for him but means he has cash. He is becoming a more pleasant person at home with maturity.

I don't think there's anything more I could have done to stop him smoking weed. However his behaviour is generally good, and he got A's in all his GCSE's. ( this 'proves' to him that weed cannot affect motivation and disproves all my arguments ). I suppose so far all I can say is the situation hasn't deteriorated ( for example he doesn't smoke one a school night something he says he wouldn't do ) - but only last night he had 2 mates over and I caught them smoking out of his window when the whole family was downstairs. I was so disappointed because he knows it is not allowed in the house and it makes me wonder how much of a habit it has become.

Pleas talk to your son calmly about the dangers of other drugs, in particular mdma, ensure you are well informed. And do look into a counsellor - DS said the counselling work he did put him off trying cocaine.....
Someone told me 2 years ago I was in for the long haul - they were right. It has parenting really tough for me.

[strugglingparent]

When my son was under the care of the crisis team, mental health, I was told every kid his age they visited was smoking cannabis. It has changed my son, he is addicted, and he will steal to get it. The stuff they sell now is very strong and certainly isn't harmless. Some people can be completely unaffected but for others its dangerous. If I were in your position I would copy the Facebook post and ask the Police to challenge him about it. He is very young and it might make him think about the consequences.

[Elysianfields]

If it helps my tear away, drug taking, piss taking brat of a teenager is the most lovely adult I know.

I have spoken to him recently about what I could have done, and he feels nothing would have helped, and overreacting would have just made him worse

I am thinking of you, it is so hard, and whatever you do will feel wrong so just go with your heart and your gut.

[summer68]

I'm a bit late for this post,Alvah, but there was something I wanted to add to the other comments- be very careful of believing everything you read on face book, it's extremely common for teens to exagerate and even lie to impress each other. A male student where I work told me he had often bragged about taking drugs, on Facebook chat, however he said it was all lies. Also my own ds posted that he met some locals to get weed while we were on holiday in Cyprus ( this made my dh and me laugh as my ds defiantly did not ) . My ds has also ( bizarrely) posted that his dd was seriously ill .
I hope you've managed to talk thing throgh with your ds.

[Alvah]

Hi, I just had another look at this thread, as our first real argument since the incident happened today (he wasn't allowed to go to a sleepover and so declared me the worst mother in the world) and found some more comments. I am truly grateful for all your advice, care and shared experience. It means so much to know that I am not alone. Summer68, this is what he says; that they were joking about it. I have had him on drug tests since it happened and they have been negative. He maybe had done it, maybe not. I can't tell. I just don't want him to be doing it, especially at this age. Realistically I do believe that they will try when they are older, but it is different at 17 than at 13.
Following my gut and heart is the best advice, thank you. There is only so much control we can exert over them and so keeping a good and open relationship becomes more important. I remember the days I used to worry about him drinking energy drinks, then smoking cigarettes ( he says the only reason he is not smoking is because he doesn't want to let me down). In a few years it will be even worse, when they start driving and are out on their own a lot more (harder drugs available at parties). Just got to love and guide him the best I can. Thanks again

[missymarmite]

Hi, just wanted to add my support. My son started smoking nearly a year ago. This coincided with a completed breakdown in his behaviour. He is now 14 (was 13 when he started). I tried to ground him initially and it lead to him running away, after climbing out of his bedroom window. He had been stealing from us to buy stuff. He stole my DH's prescription codeine and diazepam too. So we cannot keep cash or medication like that at home. He got caught shoplifting, which he had to have an official warning for. He had run out of 'community resolutions' with the police and now has received an official caution for possession of cannabis.

We have had to call the police twice due to his violent behaviour. The house has been trashed, holes in the walls, dents in several doors, chairs broken, all sorts.

He was getting in constant trouble at school and had various interventions, exclusions, was moved to a PRU temporarily. Finally the school had enough of his behaviour and he has been permanently excluded and has been at home with no education since two weeks before Easter.

At one point I got so distressed I just wanted to kill myself. I felt like an utter failure and admitted to my best friend that I was on the brink. She called the doctor and I was taken into hospital for nearly a week. During that time my DH (who is not DS's father) refused to have DS in the house because he had been violent towards me and he was afraid for my three DSDs. So DS went into foster care for about two weeks. He became even more angry since then.

At then end of the day, for my own sanity I have had to distance myself emotionally from my DS. I have had to admit that I have absolutely no control over him or his decisions. Now I just ask that he let me know where is staying over night and try to keep calm with him. It makes me feel ashamed as we live in a small town and everyone knows everyone. I feel like people judge me for his behaviour.

I have also been surprised though, at how many people have had serious issues with their kids and drugs. It is a real problem. The community gets frustrated because people know who the drug pushers are and nothing gets done about it. It's easy to say 'people who sell drugs to kids are scum' but the way it works is older kids buy and sell on to younger kids. I am afraid that one day my son will be the one who is selling to younger kids. It wasn't what I wanted for him. He had so much promise. He was going to be an engineer. Now I feel it is all hopeless.

If your son is smoking but still doing well at school then I just want you to know you are not alone and it could be a lot, lot worse. xxx

[KipseyDoser]

Alvah, my 13 yr old and his group of friends are into cannabis and nitrous oxide and it is a real worry. How have things panned out for your son since you posted in 2014? Any advice?

[RedEmma67]

Hi, we are having the same problem with our 14 year old, I think he has been stealing money from me as well, he's not doing well at school, won't do homework and doesn't seem to think its a problem at all.
It's the lying straight to my face that I'm really struggling with, we found some resin in his coat and a grinder, which is apparently someone else's, his friend who is a bad influence and has problems, but we said that makes you neven stupider if your looking after that stuff for someone else, but I think he has been smoking it out of the window in his room and the bathroom when he's apparently having a shower so that to me means he might be a bit addicted as i can't believe he would do it when i'm in the house. My husband and him came to blows the other day, i agree with what my husband is saying its the way he says it he's not really acting like the adult its like having 2 teenagers and I'm trying to keep the lid on a terrible atmosphere for my 10 year old daughter. I don't know what to do and I feel completely helpless and exhausted. I would be nervous of going to the police. He got suspended for one day from school but it didn't seem to bother him at all. realise this is no help to you but good to know i am not alone.

[RedEmma67]

I didn't realise how long ago the original post was, I just put teenager smoking weed in, i'm new to mumsnet so this was a desperate early morning google as I don't know where to turn or what to do for the best.

[Smaysmay]

I have always pointed out drunks and druggies on the street when I’m with my kids and always explained how sad addiction is and what a slippery slope it can be. I have casually deglamourised it and said drug taking and excessive drinking just details people from their life goals and aspirations and is a waste of time and money. It has given my kids that it is not really something they want to aspire towards. I’ve done this without sitting them down and having a ‘big talk’ but in passing when the timing is appropriate. I’ve got a 19 and a 15 year old, who both have friends that partake in these activities but they don’t see the point in at. Might be worth a try? Good luck

[Cha1974]

I've just discovered my 13 yr old is smoking weed and I feel sick and totally devasted, i feel a failure of a mother . The reason being my 17 yr old also smokes it . Where have I gone wrong and what do I do now. I've just burst into tears and told my 13 yr old I love him do much but don't know who he has become to which he burst into tears Nd said " I'm still me mum " ive told him he is grounded until the end of the month and I'm phoning school on Monday to discuss the situation . I'm worried it's my fault as I moved him to another school as we moved house ... he wanted to move as he has friends there , however I think his behaviour has changed for the worse and I don't know any of the "friends" he is now socialising with .

[JennyFisher12]

Try not to blame yourself- it’s not your fault. It’s incredibly common and the vast majority of teenagers will try weed at some point. Is it a one off or is he regularly smoking it?

If he’s doing well in other areas of his life such as in school and doesn’t have any apparent problems at home I would be more ‘guiding’ rather than come down hard on him. Talk to him about the dangers and give him facts, do your research.

You can’t deal with teens the same as younger kids, they will push back by becoming sneaky and just lie about what they are doing. It’s really important to keep communication open with your son.

If it helps the vast majority of teens stop smoking weed and go on to lead ‘normal’ lives unscathed.

[Cha1974]

Thank you for your reply I have calmed down considerably this morning and wil today be talking with him calmly

[vege10]

We have just found out our 12( nearly 13) year old has been smoking weed on a fairly regular basis, obviously devastated. Things we have put in place are

• curfew on straight home after school
  *no pocket money
  *drugs counselling and stopping smoking counselling
  
• checking social media
  The problems we are having are deciding weather to move school as the area where his school is has become the place to smoke cannabis and also weather to involve the school? The group of people who are involved are all older than him- really scary and our lives are currently consumed with his well being - but really paranoid at the moment and I can talk to him about nothing else than his habit and his declining school life !!!! Any advice appreciated. Really struggling