Teenage Boys, is there an age roughly where it all goes pear shaped?

[myotherusernameisbetter]

Just wondering what to watch out for really - DSs are 14 and a half and 13 and a half, we get an occasional bit of chee k from younger son that I've learned not to react to (mostly) and it seems to have more or less died out but other wise all is well. I'd like them to help out a bit more about the house and spend a bit less time on screen but otherwise things are good. So for those who have had teenage boy issues, when did they start and were there any warning signs? Just don't want to get too complacent (or smug!) and working out when we can relax and think our job is done! :o

[ouryve]

If it happens, about the age they are now (don't have a teenager, yet, but have worked with many)

The vast majority actually stay quite human, albeit an awkward version of a human, throughout the whole process.

[myotherusernameisbetter]

thanks ouryve :) They are still remarkably human if very quiet. youngest had the terrible 2s until he was about 10, got a bit of the swag on when he went up to high school but has quietened right down and is reasonably respectful. Eldest always been quiet - tried one tantrum, got no reaction so just didn't bother again. slammed a door once about a year ago and that seems to be it.

I keep holding my breath and waiting for the onslaught....

[wannabslim]

hi there, My son started with behaviour and attitude problems at around the age of 12.....proper lad is what people called him.....it gradually got worse around the age of 14 and i was literally pulling my hair out,at the age of 15, i was literally at my wits end....and in the end, just after his 16th birthday, my parents decided to take him to live with them to give us both a break from each other. This left me heartbroken beyond belief, but i knew it was what had to be done. Im cutting a very long story short, as i get too upset to go over what i went through with him. But....this does get better, he comes to me regularly and we get on so much better. he still has his moments, but i HOPE beyond hope that we are through the worst. I thought I was the only one who went through this, but have found so much support just reading through posts on here, and actually realising that im not the only parent going through this.
Hope all goes well with the boys

[myotherusernameisbetter]

Aww thanks wannab it sounds like things are turning a corner for you now and you are getting your boy back. :) What do you think caused the issues? change of friends or just personality and hormones etc.?

I guess that's what I am scared about as people tend to say you either get it easy when they are little and you get payback when they are teens or vice versa, they have been relatively ok as children so I keep expecting a big change.

[Haffdonga]

Depends what you mean by pear-shaped.

In fact (best kept secret by parents of adult dcs) - most teens don't go pear-shaped. Sssshh. Don't let on that I told you the big secret! Most of us 'older' parents like to scare the younger ones shitless about 'just you wait for the teenage years'.

What they do do though, is get bigger, hairier, hormonalier and more independent. And it's bloody tough for parents to accept that. For example, right now my 18 year old ds is not home from school. It's 7pm. He hasn't texted. I'm guessing the last day of term and new girlfriend has taken his mind off letting mum know he'll be late for tea. or he could be taking drugs in a seedy joint

So, I could choose to panic. I could choose to be furious. Or I could choose to decide he's 18 and has to cut the apron strings. For some people pear-shaped, for others the natural order.

[wannabslim]

I believe he got in with the wrong crowd, and he is very easily led....saying that...he isn't completely blameless, if you know what I mean!
I do believe he was (and is) going through hormone changes and expected some trouble and strife, but no where near as much as what I got. He was sooooo angry, started self harming, and was absolutley vile and disgusting towards me at times, but then at other times, I couldnt have asked for a nicer son. It was like walking on egg shells, I never knew when he was going to errupt and how bad it would be.He willing went to doctors with me to try and get help,he saw Cahms, but nothing seemed to work.....apart from my parents! I saw on a thread on here about a book for parents of teenagers and it had lots of great reviews. Ive ordered it off ebay ( for £2.04!!! lol) and I cant wait to read it. Its called....Get out of my life.....but can you take me and alex to town first!....just incase you wanted to look it up.

P.s.....you may not need the book, but im really interested to see what it says....so many people say it gives you an insight as to why teenagers behave the way they do :-)

[myotherusernameisbetter]

Haffdonda :o I won't let on.....that is true, that it is the natural order of things :) I don't think I am too bothered about that side of it, though I will worry about them when they are out and about in Pubs, driving etc

I think I was more scared about the horror stories of drunken parties, drugs, stealing, fighting, hanging about street corners all the stuff we got up to in the 70s/80s :o

They have always been trustworthy, honest and "good". We always said that we wanted to raise children that we'd be proud to take anywhere and not be embarrassed about their behavior. It's gone to plan so far :)

[wannabslim]

Haffdonga......i agree with you on this.....Ive had to realise he is growing up and try giving him room to make his own mistakes....but this is quite hard....but im getting there! There is a knack to parents realising their teenagers need them less (or so they think!) than we actually need them......quite sad...but to a certain extent...true

[Rivercam]

My 12 year old us reached a teenager before my 14 the year old!

[myotherusernameisbetter]

I've got that book - tbh despite the big write up here, I was a bit "meh". I preferred Divas and Door slammers but that might just be me and I didn't finish that one either. I still find Toddler Taming works for me :o

Don't let me put you off though, as I said, there are plenty of people on here that found it incredibly useful it just didn't do anything for me. I tend to notice now that if DS2 is a bit moody, there is usually something else to it and a casual question about his day and a lot of praise piled on about things I've noticed that I am pleased with seems to be able to turn him around - I try not to fight fire with fire. 99.9% of the time it may be me or his Dad or brother that might get snapped at, but it's not usually us that is the issue. he just feels safe to take it out on us as he knows we love him and care for him. I am sure with your son it was the same.

[PseudoBadger]

I've been wondering whether challenging toddlers/pre schoolers are more likely to be challenging teenagers?
I was an angelic small child and a challenging teen, but DS (almost 4) has been a nightmare since 18 months and I'm already worried

[myotherusernameisbetter]

Rivercam - there is only a year between mine and younger son definitely was a "teenager" first - half his personality and half earlier puberty - eldest has caught up now and I would say they are developmentally at the same stage. Glad they still get on as they are both near 6 foot now and strong boys and I'd have no chance trying to break up a fight! Luckily haven't had to do that since they were about 6 and 7. A raised voice from me is still enough to instill discipline but I keep waiting to be found out!

[bigTillyMint]

OP, how fat are your two down the puberty line?
DS is 13 and a half and more like a 16 year old. He has always been "a proper lad" so we are used to calls from school etc but he is also pretty dependable and his confidence and independence is now a plus point out of school and the house

[myotherusernameisbetter]

Pseudo DS2 whilst good physically, was a verbal hooligan - he would argue black was white and always wanted to go the opposite way to everyone else just to make a point - bit of a chip on his shoulder but equally probably the more loving and caring of my two - at the moment he is lovely :) he went to high school, got a lot of attention from girls, that scared him rigid and he is now a wee lamb ;)

[bigTillyMint]

X post!

[myotherusernameisbetter]

big tilly - proper hairy boys, getting razors for Christmas for the mustaches though chins smooth - both nearly 6 foot but expected to be 6'4/6'5 neither that independent, like to be at home in their rooms playing on-line. DS2 very aware of his appearance and vain. No girls on the scene (too scary :o )

Neither like football/sport and I wouldn't say they were "lads" - does that mean I am safe? :)

[bigTillyMint]

Yes, I reckon you probably are

DS is probably (other than being tall and broad) the opposite

[springlamb]

Toddler Taming!
"It's not that they are locked in, they just can't get out'...that bit about tying the bedroom door to the banisters so it only opens a couple of inches.
Oh the 90s were so funny!

[myotherusernameisbetter]

Ah mine have been over cosseted and protected - DS1 would still be happily getting carried about, wearing nappies and being fed of a spoon :o he doesn't have an independent bone in his body, DS2 tried and and found it scary - I'm actually shoving them out rather than them wanted to leave the nest. They are not going to be living with me when they are 40!

[myotherusernameisbetter]

ha ha - my favourite bit of Toddler Taming is the bit about putting a square of chocolate in the mouths of the kids who the parents claimed had a physical deformity that stopped them being able to chew :o

[bigTillyMint]

PseudoBadger, DS has been a teenager in his head since he was a toddler. It is actually better now that he is one, although some of his teachers might disagree

[bigTillyMint]

Nooooo! I'm hoping DS started early and will finish early

[Heyho111]

Mine started about 16 yrs when hormones really got going.

[CointreauVersial]

Mine was pretty vile between 12 and 14 (he hit puberty fairly early), but now he's 15 he's actually quite nice. There are still a few years for it to go pear-shaped, though.