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Controlling boyfriend

(14 Posts)
MymumisaG Mon 15-Dec-14 14:25:26

My dd is 16 and recently I have noticed how her bf of 7 months is really very jealous and a little controlling. He is 18 months older than her and so they have different social groups, get invited to different parties etc. Recently he gets very angry if she is going out without him and texts her constantly so she can't enjoy herself. He also turns up at parties and hangs around outside waiting for her to leave. She is quite shy and very non flirty and us absolutely besotted with him so he really has no reason to not trust her. This weekend he insisted on picking her and her friend up from a friends gathering and walking them home. He kept shouting and swearing at dd and when she asked why he was so angry he said 'it's your fault you always provoke me' which really set alarm bells ringing for me. Her friend asked how dd could be provoking him by doing nothing at all, just being herself at which point he shoved her friend away, pulled dd off by the hand and practically dragged her home. Next day he was very apologetic and dd forgave him straight away which I thought was a mistake. I've tried talking to her saying this isn't normal, and to not listen to what he's saying, it's him who has the issue but I feel like it's falling on deaf ears. How would you handle this and am i over reacting by thinking this is emotional abuse?

greeneggsandjam Mon 15-Dec-14 20:23:41

I think you are right to be worried. I have no idea what the best advise is but I hope you manage to help her get rid of him asap!

ChoudeBruxelles Mon 15-Dec-14 20:26:32

I don't think you're overreacting. Ds is only 8 but is be mortified if he treated someone like that.

BIWI Mon 15-Dec-14 20:28:09

If she won't listen to you, I'd make sure I was super vigilant and present as much as possible, so that you can do the parental thing and take him to task about it. Make it very clear that you know what he's up to.

I'd also be speaking to your DD's friend's mother and telling her - it sounds like he assaulted her from the way you've described it. This needs to be nipped in the bud as soon as you can.

BIWI Mon 15-Dec-14 20:29:12

And I'd show your DD this video about teenage domestic violence.

BuffyWithChristmasEarings Mon 15-Dec-14 20:30:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Mon 15-Dec-14 21:01:26

My first boyfriend when I was 17 was an abusive wanker. I dated him for 9 months and he shattered my confidence and alienated me from my friends by saying I couldn't have both him and my friends.

EVERYONE could see it and told me so, unreservedly. But the more they told me he was bad for me, the more I dug my heels in.

I came to the realisation myself when I asked if he was ever going to trust me and he said no. So I left.

My advice is don't get on at her about him. When he really fucks up she won't come to you, to save face. Or because she doesn't want to prove you right. Just be her mum, try and protect her from the sidelines. Tell her how beautiful, clever, funny she is, spend time with her when you can. Encourage her own freedom.

Sorry you and your DD are going through this. thanks

MymumisaG Tue 16-Dec-14 19:56:13

Thanks for your comments, I'll be keeping a careful watch. Now that dd's best friend has seen what bf can be like she could have more influence than me on dds opinion!

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 18-Dec-14 22:56:24

Introduce her friend to the red flag concept, and the traits of controlling men.

Oceanpurple Thu 18-Dec-14 23:06:11

'Pulled dd by the hand and practically dragged her home.' Dragging her = abusive. Sorry but he's showing inherently controlling traits and it will not get any better. Please support her to break up with him.

specialsubject Fri 19-Dec-14 13:15:42

introduce YOUR DAUGHTER to the red flags. This guy is already showing violence.

she is better than this and needs to realise it NOW before his fists start on her. Or worse.

repeat - she is better than this. He swears and screams at her and is now getting violent. What does she get out of this relationship? Nothing.

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe Fri 19-Dec-14 13:26:42

Why don't you phone Women's Aid and ask for their advice?

It's really obvious to all of us, that this boy is an abuser.

But what to do about your teenage daughter being involved with him, is a really tricky one and tbh I have no idea what I would do in your shoes because interfering might make her dig her heels in and move in with him too young, leading to years of her life being horrific, while not interfering may lead to her moving in with him leading to years of her life being horrific... there's no one size fits all solution to this.

I would want to talk to experts in the field who could give me some pointers about how to do the least harm and the most good in this situation. They'll be only too pleased to help you - they'd rather have you on the phone trying to find out how to nip this in the bud and divert her away from him, than have her on the phone in 10 years time needing a refuge urgently. Women's Aid

azA99 Sat 27-Dec-14 13:19:47

I agree, he sounds bad news in every way. Is there a link to a well-regarded list of red flags? I googled it and got a whole range of approaches, and some were what I'd call red herrings and quite confusing.

I also agree that intervening can make things worse. It's very tricky. It's good to hold firm about what you think of him, but when I've been too opinionated about my daughter's boyfriend I run the risk of just being a controlling presence in her life myself, which defeats the object.

johnson33 Fri 02-Jan-15 23:57:09

I have a 16 yr old daughter and she dating a 17 yr old boy and he very disrespectful to me and her father. He sent her nuke pictures to her and I find one of her on her tablet. So we took everything away for her. And we told her we don't want her to see him. She still want to see matter what we said. He is control to.

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