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Completely and utterly worn out with teen tantrums

(78 Posts)
moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 21:29:21

.....give me the terrible twos any time ! It has been every day after work, before I have even had time to sit down or to get a cuppa or any food. Today's one was because she couldn't log onto the WIFI after we had a supplier change. Quite a few swear words so her phone was confiscated. She asked for her fone back after about two hours which I gave back to her but only because I had taken the Sim out of it. It is so hard especially as our house is so small that there is nowhere to get away from it all. Also no one to take the strain as I am the only parent.
There were a few parents discussing the fact that their DC tend to play up when there is a full moon, worth researching maybe but I doubt much we can do about it. Please tell me it gets better ?

Passmethecrisps Sat 06-Dec-14 21:32:53

As a secondary teacher I have no scientific evidence of the impact of the full moon or a high wind but I certainly have enough experience of staff rooms full of people commenting to think there might be something in it grin

My Dd is little but from a teacher perspective it usually does get better. Between 13-15 is typically the worst then they burst out their chrysalis all better.

Worth sticking around for as that is when their wings show all the lovely stuff you have given them. Bloody hard work though.

wine until then?

apotatoprintinapeartree Sat 06-Dec-14 21:36:18

Hello, it does get better.
Well with boys anyway they usually love their mums again when they leave school and all that goes with it.
I don't know about girls yet as dd is 10 and similar to yours, without the swearing. I'm sure given time though....
FWIW, the relationship you gain after all the tantrums is second to none, I feel so close to my sons now and I can't help but admit the time/space away helps a lot.
Your dd has nobody else to take it out on except you, and the saying goes "You hurt the ones you love, the most".
I have no suggestions as to where to go because its winter and dark.
Can you lock yourself away in the bathroom with some earphones?

ANLBXX Sat 06-Dec-14 21:37:45

My dd is 13 and has been horrific today

moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 21:49:13

thanks the comments so far have given me some hope. I usually go upstairs to my room but she has started following me there so I may have to resort to locking myself in the bath room. I may keep my ipod charged up in there. Bloody hard work though and very wearing

ANLBXX Sat 06-Dec-14 21:56:45

Yes I agree me and hubby are drained with it it has been too much today

Passmethecrisps Sat 06-Dec-14 21:57:38

I would avoid locking yourself in the bathroom. It's your bloody house! How would she respond if you followed her the same way?

Try to pick a calm moment and explain that in tough times when you are both cross you both need space and she must respect that. Set a time limit so she knows that you will come out after an agreed time so she doesn't lose the rag

moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 21:58:33

and definitely wine passmethecrisps. She had plans to go to a mates house tonight, part of me thought "no you are grounded!" but then I thought well at least it will give me a couple of hours to recharge. She still hasn't got her sim card back though.

Passmethecrisps Sat 06-Dec-14 22:00:35

That's fair enough. Compromise and pick your battles.

How is she at school? It can be reassuring (if pretty galling) to know that she is capable of holding it together on certain situations

mineofuselessinformation Sat 06-Dec-14 22:06:26

Make a plan in your head - three stages of consequences.
First stage, minor stuff, apology offered when asked (and meant sincerely), all ok.
Second stage, more serious or first stage not sorted, deprive her of something for 24 hrs. Apology still needed to recover what's lost.
Third stage, something pretty unforgivable (violence, extreme swearing, deliberate breaking things), she loses something for a week. Still needs to apologise to get it back.
When you have decided, tell her about it - and stick to it even if you continue to get an ear-full about it... All that means is she doesn't get it back yet.
Its a hard road, especially on your own. Having a set plan in your head is easier than trying to decide what to do on the spur of the moment when you're upset.

mineofuselessinformation Sat 06-Dec-14 22:07:30

And I forgot to say, in my case, turning off the wifi usually results in pretty swift compliance!

moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 22:10:05

She is respectful and well behaved, apart from the odd cheekiness said with good humour. I have had not problems or calls from teachers re her behaviour. Someone else said that the girl she is with me is not the person she really is but it is very hard to keep that in mind when the going gets tough

moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 22:12:30

mineofuselessinformation - what would you class as extreme swearing. The only reason I ask is because I am terrible myself but they do say that people who swear are more honest wink but obviously I know how to behave in polite society. I have never had any accounts of her swearing at school so I feel she is obviously pushing the boundaries with me

moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 22:13:25

re the WIFI if she has her phone then that has its own net connection but yes the thought did cross my mind.

moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 22:14:19

I suddenly thought the other day why on earth should I give you £20 pocket money a month AND pay for your mobile when you are treating me like shit. So stopping the pocket money may be the next thing after Xmas if this carries on.

Passmethecrisps Sat 06-Dec-14 22:18:26

She is letting you see herself warts and all because she knows that you won't push her away. The way she is at school is all the good, positive stuff you have given her and is a window into what she can be with you when she feels secure enough.

I like the suggestion of mine as often this behaviour reflects insecurity and setting clear boundaries eases this.

Pick your battles
Seek support from wherever it may come
Look through photo albums to remind yourself of the fanatic job you are doing
Agree with her that her life is annoying and frustrating and sometimes shit. And so is yours so you are a team

moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 22:19:34

She did apologise before she left and said can we talk about it in the morning so I am trying to write things down now, so thanks for the suggestions

mineofuselessinformation Sat 06-Dec-14 22:23:12

It has to be your choice, but for me, it would be calling me a cunt or telling me to fuck off.
It's not really about what I think though, but your own limits of what you think is acceptable.
But, as I said, sit her down in a calm moment and tell her what you've decided if you're going down that route.
As pp have said, I got the brunt of dd's behaviour yet she could be simply charming to everyone else. For the record, she's now absolutely lovely, so she did get through it!smile

moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 22:25:14

oh those have been said ! for me it wasn't a swear word that hurt me it was her calling me fat.

mineofuselessinformation Sat 06-Dec-14 23:06:35

If you think it's said to deliberately hurt you, then it's number 3?
As I said before, it's how you feel.
I'm not suggesting it's a magic answer, but for me it really helped to have decided beforehand so I could then follow through.

moomoo1967 Sun 07-Dec-14 14:23:41

I feel a tad better after having had some peace last night. I have asked her to think of 5 things she would do differently in the home if she could and we are going to have a chat after our Roast lunch later

moomoo1967 Sun 07-Dec-14 18:49:33

what am I supposed to do ? She is refusing to go to school tomorrow unless I give her her sim card back. I am not being blackmailed like that but I can hardly call the school and say she is refusing to go can I ?

mineofuselessinformation Sun 07-Dec-14 18:54:19

Yes you can - and tell her you will do it if she's not up and out on time.
She's upped the ante because you're standing firm and she doesn't like it.

But you don't like how she's behaving, so fair's fair after all.
Try not to let it get to you - recognise it for the teenage drama it is, and remember she can only win this if you let her.

Passmethecrisps Sun 07-Dec-14 18:54:43

Yes you can. Do exactly that. Don't rise to it

outtolunchagain Sun 07-Dec-14 18:55:51

Yes you can , she is banking on you not doing this, call her bluff .My bet is that she will go because she won't want to lose face at school.How old is she ?

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